Tuesday, November 30, 2010

T minus

61 hours until the baby comes, one way or another. Pumping is still not working and neither is anything else so I have stopped everything and am just enjoying my last few days with Cletus. I am sad to have a c-section but at this point I know the baby must be mal-positioned since I'm not dilating at all. I have always been at least dilated to a 3 by this point in the past. I feel very strongly that the baby is posterior and has a huge head and all the yoga in the world is not turning him. Oh well. The point of surrogacy is for the parents to get a baby and in 61 hours I get to give them just that.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Bleeding nipples

Yep...so I pumped so much yesterday that my nipples are bleeding today. During the pumping my contractions were two minutes apart. As soon as I stopped they would space out. I checked my cervix after all the activity and NOTHING. Still stubbornly posterior and closed. I guess I should just keep trying the positioning exercises to get him to turn from posterior and resign myself to another week of working (hey only four days of working since day 5 will bring major abdominal surgery complete with painkillers that I hate and the resultant constipation and swelling that make me miserable for weeks on end). Running away to Alaska is starting to seem like a brilliant plan.

So this is my last week to be pregnant ever. I had always pondered doing one more after this time but I can't imagine it now. After three c-sections who would want me? And I can't imagine starting over, finding a new family to help, etc. So this is my grand hurrah. I will miss pregnancy immensely. And I will miss how special surrogacy makes me feel. But the time has come to embrace my gray hair and my teenage kids. The time has come to stop growing families for others and concentrate on my own family. And the time has come to halt the spreading of the arse and bring about the shrinking of the arse.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

NO NO NO....

Okay....I have reached the end of my rope. I am thrilled that Cletus is healthy. I am thrilled that I am healthy. I am thrilled that I worked the whole entire way through a full term pregnancy and only took half of one day off. I do understand how blessed I am. But I am going to whine for a sec here:

1. Wanted a homebirth. Sorry....not gonna happen.
2. Wanted a midwife. Sorry...not gonna happen.
3. Wanted to deliver at the local hospital so I could labor almost completely at home. Sorry...not gonna happen.
4. Wanted to go into labor right after Lennart got here so I could avoid feeling like a watched pot that was inconveniencing him. He's been here two weeks. Sorry...not gonna happen.
5. Wanted to get stripped at 38 and 40 weeks. Not dilated at all. Sorry not gonna happen.
6. Wanted to labor alone and then call Lennart at the end. Since we are all meeting ath the hospital at 7 am to either have my water broken or have a c-section....sorry not gonna happen.


Can I please have number 7? Hey, can I at least just go into labor on my own so that even if I have a c-section, I know that Cletus is ready to come out? Please.

I am doing okay. I have resigned myself to the section because after two weeks of doing everything on the "self induction" checklist daily, my cervix is still stubbornly closed. I think I might even be able to make myself sit on the table and endure the placing of the epidural even though just the thought gives me a panic attack. I can do this. I signed a contract and I will do this. But I sure as hell don't want to do this.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Due today

Cletus, however, did not get the memo. Worked all day. No contractions. No show. Sigh.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Due tomorrow

So I went to the OB yesterday. Lennart went with me. Our hope was that she could check me, strip my membranes, and send me into labor. We are creatures of hope. Fruitless hope it turns out.

She checked me. I was 39w5d. This is my SIXTH pregnancy. I stand over 40 hours a week at my job. How dilated was I? None. Nada. She couldn't even get one skinny digit inside my cervix. Sigh. Cletus is a stubborn, stubborn, baby.

Then she says, "Well if you really want to have YOUR BABY today we can do a c-section." Lennart got all excited and I had to shoot him down. I am not doing a voluntary repeat c-section when I am not even due yet. AND IT'S NOT MY BABY LADY.

So we decided that on 12/3, when I will be 41 weeks preggo, we will check into the hospital. If I am dilated at all, they will break my water and try to throw me into labor. If I am not, they will section me. Joy. Cletus has 8 days to evacuate on his own. Either way, in 8 days this journey is over. I am praying to go into labor on my own before that but so far, it is not looking likely.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Come on....please?

Unlike alot of surrogates, I don't particularly enjoy the end of surrogacy. Now don't get me wrong....I love handing the baby to the parents and seeing their joy. I love sitting back and watching the parents fall in love with their child. I love getting to go home and sleep through the night. I enjoy getting my body back.

So what is it I don't like? I don't like the emotions. I hate the crash of hormones. I hate the emotional ups and downs. I hate pretending that all is "hunky dorey" in my world. I hate the way I can't ever find a moment of peace, by myself to cry when I need to. I hate how everyone watches me to see if I am ok. Well frankly I am ok but I'm not. I do get attached to the baby and I do miss it. I miss feeling like I'm part of something bigger. No, that doesn't mean I want to keep the baby. But I am not one of those lucky surrogates who can just say, "here's your baby" and walk away with no emotional "fallout". It hurts for awhile. I am sad for awhile. Then the hormones calm down and I am fine. The whole process takes anywhere from two weeks to a month.

So anywho, here I sit, incredibly pregnant, and emotionally ready for what I know is to come. And the baby won't seem to come. Yes, I get that I am still five days from my due date. But I am ready and sitting here, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop is really hard for me. Everytime I get up at night to go to the bathroom, I find myself begging and pleading with God to let me go into labor. I just want to get started on this next part so that I can get through it. Yes, I will miss the baby and the dads but I am ready.

So come on....please?

Geared up for another week

Well there are no signs of anything happening in the ole uterus so I am gearing up for another week at work. Monday I have to do mycotoxin testing which takes a few hours and will make that day go fast. Tuesday I have a very important meeting and I have to sign up for benefits for next year. Plus that night boy #2 has a basketball game.

So the next "window of opportunity" for Cletus begins Tuesday evening and ends next Sunday morning. Maybe he/she will come during that period of time? Maybe. In another week I'm going to throw away my whole "window of opportunity" thing and just start telling the kid to get out. 39w2d today so he/she still has time. I know that at 41 weeks the docs are going to start wanting to get aggressive (aka induction or c-section) and I am really hoping Cletus comes before then. We shall see I guess.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Shopping, Red Lobster, and Walking....oh my

Meeting Lennart today for an early dinner at Red Lobster. I adore Red Lobster and thankfully, so does Cletus. You see Cletus and I have had a few arguments this pregnancy about food. A few times I have insisted, and gone ahead and eaten a non-Cletus-approved food. In those few cases, Cletus has come out the victor. At this point, I am mostly eating cereal, fruit, veggies, and rice because that is all he says he will put up with. So rather than argue, I pick my battles and remain thankful that crab legs are tolerated by my resident parasite.

Boy #2 has a parade today and then we are off to Columbia. We will shop until we drop (darn kids outgrew their clothes AGAIN), eat until we are stuffed, and then shop some more. We also plan alot of walking today. Maybe, maybe, maybe, I will get a few contractions (stop laughing at me).

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bullet points

** I just realized that one of the blogs I follow is the surro who delivered for Neil Patrick Harris. Strange. Color me oblivious. I can't imagine carrying for a celebrity...I would rather eat poo. I like my privacy.

** My OB cancelled my appointment today. Again.

** I am 39 weeks tomorrow.

** The check stub I got today for the past two weeks had 92 hours on it. Yeah. 46 hours a week while this preggo. Go me.

** Starting to get a few BH contractions but not a ton. I don't feel like the baby has dropped and I don't see much happening with my cervix until he/she does drop. I checked my cervix in the bath tonight because it finally was low enough for me to find. It is completely closed. Hmmmm.

** I have decided to let the OB break my water on 12/3 to try to send me into labor. If that doesn't work I will consent to a section. Lennart is here and waiting and at that point I will be 41 weeks. He needs to be able to start his paperwork to get the baby back to Sweden. And he needs to be home with Lars-Ove and the twins by Xmas.

** Constipation is my only pregnancy complaint. Not sexy but it is what it is. I am literally full of poo. Gross. Maybe that is what is keeping the baby from dropping?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Not yet Cletus

Because you know that you can schedule when a baby comes, right? So I'm telling this one not for a few days (not that I have any signs that his/her arrival is imminent). The next few days are crazy. Monday and Tuesday are always our busiest days at work. I am finishing up a few studies and want to get those done before he comes. Plus boy #2 has 3 basketball games this week and boy #3 has tae-kwon do twice this week. Not to mention the OB appt I have this week and the working and the rest of the sundry stuff we call life. So Cletus must stay put until Friday morning. Every week I sit down and tell him our schedule and explain his "window of opportunity" for that week. This past week his window was from Thursday to Sunday. Now that we find ourselves at Sunday evening, he will have to wait for the next window. That's how it works, right?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Still here.

Still pregnant. Very, very pregnant. 38 weeks pregnant to be exact. Cervix is still holding strong. No contractions. No bloody show. NOTHING. The dad will be here tomorrow and while I'm glad he will be here, I hate to think of him sitting around, twiddling his thumbs waiting for this baby to come. But I guess there's not much I can do about that so it is what it is. When I go to the OB next time she will strip my membranes if I want her to and that sometimes will bring on labor. I have only had mine stripped with one pregnancy and it did bring on labor a few days later. We shall see. Not really ready to not be pregnant but also don't want to be the one holding up the show when Lennart is waiting on the sidelines to hold his baby. Hmmmm. Decisions, decisions.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Does not cause labor. Just saying. We have been attempting to get some "pre-labor" signs going on by having a bit of fun at night. Poor DH has been cut off for several months (I never feel comfy having sex between 28 and 36 weeks when it is someone else's baby....I just can't imagine having to call the parents and say I went into pre-term labor because I wanted a bit of "afternoon delight"). Anywho, we resume activities a few days ago and not a darn contraction. Not really in BH either. No spotting. No bloody show. No mucus plug. NOTHING. Cletus has settled in for the long haul I think. Wonder if I will be overdue? It's neat to wonder when he/she will come.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A moment of immaturity

After my last pregnancy, I think I'm allowed a brief moment of immaturity. So turn away if you are offeneded by a touch of "neener-neener".


Ok. Sorry about that. I am back to my usual not quite so immature self. My co-workers dad is in the hospital so even though I was hoping to go into labor in the next few days, now I guess I'm back to hoping that we wait a few weeks. There is no convenient time to deliver in my schedule at work or at home right now so I guess he will come when he comes.

Off to work now.