Thursday, April 28, 2011

Med screening

scheduled for June 3rd as long as my body cooperates and AF starts by then. Last time I had to go to CT for med screening it was a 22 hour day. Leave home, drive to St. Louis airport (2.5 hour drive), fly to ny, make it to ct, do screening, drive back to ny, fly home, drive from stl to home. LONG LONG DAY. At least it's a Friday, right? I will know more as I get close to that date. Contract negotiations are ongoing. Not much else going on. Rehearsal for wedding tomorrow and then wedding in two days.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Doom and gloom no more

So I found my spirit again and I'm back and kicking. You know the old can't keep a good dog down.

I spoke with the attorney today about contracts. I have a standard contract I use every time and it's a pretty simple thing. She already submitted my contract to the other attorney and so far the only change is a life insurance thing....I was trying to save them some money since I already have life insurance but they insist on buying another policy. No big deal to me. Once contracts are done, I anticipate medical screening in the next few months and then if I pass and the egg donor passes, we will go to cycle synching and then transfer. I am hoping that on the transfer trip I can meet up with a few people on the east coast. My first surrogate babies (toddlers or actually kids) live in Boston and I have not seen them in person in over four years. They will be five in December. Wow. I also have a friend from the surrogacy world I would like to meet up with.

I have a business trip planned in August and hope to meet another surrogate at that time (that is if she has not flown the coop and left Sioux Falls for California).

That's all I have for now. Wedding this weekend. The brother in law is coming and staying at my house. Kill me now. :)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Speed demon?

I don't speed. Ever. If the speed limit is 55 then I'm that one crazy driver going 55. I set my cruise at 55. Not 57. Not even 56.

Imagine my co-workers surprise then when I bought a chevy cobalt ss turbo. The speedometer says 160 and feeling the "get up" under the hood, I believe it would do it.

One c0-worker leaves work right after me pretty frequently. And he passes me on the way home every time. He is a speeder. He passed me on the way home yesterday and then came in the lab today. He was jokingly teasing me about the SS in my car name standing for Super Slow. He was jokingly teasing me about my car only needing a 3 speed transmission. He said I should go ahead and speed because even though it's a red car, I'm a woman and wouldn't get a ticket because I have boobs. He was kidding and I took it as a joke. I replied that I only have big boobs when I'm pregnant and that I'm not currently pregnant. That is all I said. And then, out of the blue, this man who I have worked with every day for four years, this man who I thought was my friend, crossed the line that so many think it is okay to cross. He said, "What are you going to do when you want another car in a few years? Have another baby for another fag?" I was dumbstruck. I wanted to bite back. However I attempted to maintain my dignity and merely said that that comment was not okay.

I am tired of this. I am tired of being judged. I am not a saint. I am also not the devil. I do not cure cancer with surrogacy but I also don't cause pain or suffering. I help make families. Why is that so bad? What is it about surrogacy that makes others think that rude comments are okay? I spoke with my boss about it because I feel like if these comments are still coming at 5 months postpartum, when I never speak of surrogacy and my c0-workers have no idea that I'm planning another surrogacy, things are never going to die down. What did my boss say? My Christian boss said, and I quote, "You are doing something immoral. You can't expect people to treat you well when you are doing something that is so wrong." And she walked away. I was speechless. I ranted to my c0-worker for a moment and noticed that she was not answering. I looked in her face and could tell she was on their side. I don't talk about surrogacy at work and never will, but really? Really? I feel so alone sometimes. I wish I lived in a big town. I wish others understood why I feel compelled to be a surrogate. Is it just the money that others find offensive? No one in my town knows what I get paid and the few that have been crass enough to guess have greatly overestimated the amount.

I dream of taking a job where no one knows I'm a surrogate. Perhaps I will some day. For now, I will hunker down and hold my head high. These people, who I think of as my friends, will not make me cry and if they do, they will not see the tears. I am doing what I feel is right. I stand behind my decision to help create families. I know in my heart that my choices on this matter are right. I just wish that I was not so alone. I wish I had one good friend to stand by my side, to stand up for me on this issue. I wish someone other than my husband and children had my back on this. When I started down this road 5 years ago I had no idea how lonely surrogacy would be. I have online surrogate friends and I treasure them but somehow, when standing in a plant full of men, trying to prove myself in a male dominated field, those online friends seem so far away. My husband seems so far away. It feels like it is me against them and even though I know I am right, there are more of them and even though each mean word of theirs only inflicts a small wound, those wounds add up over time. Note to self: surrogacy number four is going to require some thicker armor.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Speedy aren't we?

Today I opened my email box and what should I find but a rough draft of my contract. Wow. Can we say fast? I am not even 5 months postpartum yet. I can't believe how quickly this is going. Of course things will slow way down now. I have to be scheduled for my all day medical screening in CT and that probably won't happen until June or July. Then they will put me on BCPs and synch my cycle with the egg donors cycle. I am still thinking that if everything goes perfect (which it never does) we still won't be transferring before September. This summer is going to fly by though so I am thinking I will be transferring before we know it. But I guess I should not assume's always possible that my medical screening won't go well. I'm no spring chicken anymore.

I am on a cooking binge lately. I made some pulled pork in the crockpot tonight that is to die for. I then put it on hoagie rolls with ham and turkey and swiss cheese and mozzarella and then put them in the broiler. They were so good. I also made a homemade chocolate mousse. Not to mention the cupcakes. Let me describe these cupcakes:
Double chocolate cake
Chocolate mousse filling
Chocolate frosting
Chopped up snickers bars on top.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Yay. Guess they liked me after all. I am so excited. More to follow later. Off to an incredibly boring Catholic school play tonight.

Monday, April 18, 2011


Today I got pictures in the mail from my Swedish guys. Aurora is getting so big and chunky. The boys are both thinning out and look like boys and not babies. Wow. I spoke with the Canadian guys on Saturday. I thought the conversation went really well but then at the end of the conversation there was a pause where in past matches we have all agreed to work together. Nothing was said, however. I emailed Circle and told them I would gladly work with the guys. Had the guys felt the same way, then they would have emailed Circle also and Circle would have emailed me today. I got no email. I think it's safe to say they have decided to pursue surrogacy with a younger surrogate who has not had 3 c-sections. I can't say I blame them. As an IP, you want to hedge your bets so why pick a surrogate with 3 c-sections when you can have one with none? I actually have no hard feelings about it. As I told them during our conversation, they need to pick a surrogate who they feel meets all of their needs. If that is not me then I accept that. Not sure what is next. Life here is so busy and stressful right now. I honestly don't even want to think about anything but surviving the next two weeks. We have one daughter getting married and a very important OB appointment for the other daughter. In 2 weeks I will be a mother-in-law and in 6 months I will be a grandma. I bought an adorable frog onesie this weekend and gave it to my step-daughter. It's really fun to buy baby clothes. :)

Friday, April 15, 2011

A link

I don't usually link other blogs here but this one is really, really great. The surface back story is that this is a mother who found out at 32ish weeks pregnant that her baby had passed away. She is a wonderful writer. Now, 16 years after the death of my daughter, every single post of hers brings me to tears. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her that it does get better. But I know that she would not believe me because when people gave me a hug after Samantha was born and then passed away and told me that it would get better, there was no way that I could see through the fog enough to believe them.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The call

Match phone call will be Saturday morning. Circle sent a long detailed email on how to not be nervous. Um yeah people. Been through this twice now. Know how to make small talk. Updates to follow Saturday. Will they like me? Will I like them? Will we make a baby together? Who knows.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sally Fields post

"They like me....they really like me." (If you are too young to understand this reference then boo on you. Talk to me when you have a gray hair or two). Phone consultation being set up. They were not horribly offended by my geriatricness. Yay.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Reviewed the profile. Remember how I said I just wasn't quite sure about the first profile I saw? That is not the case with this profile. These guys and I have ALOT in common. Let's see if they like me. If they do then we will agree to talk over the phone. If they don't then I will wait and go back to my retirement mindset.

Monday, April 11, 2011

You have got to be kidding me.

I'm not bi-polar. Really I'm not. And I promise that when I make a decision I usually stick with it. But sometimes.....well....I might be just a tad indecisive. Which brings me to today. So you know how I went all zen a few posts ago. Done with surrogacy. Happy to be done with surrogacy. Happy to have my body back. Blah blah blah. Ringing any bells? Today I got an email. From Circle. They have a couple that wants to transfer one embryo. Am I interested? This is the part where you would think I would say no after all my soul searching and enlightenment, right? Yeah not so much. My stupid indecisive heart went pitter-patter and got so excited you would have thought I ran a marathon. For pete's sake. So I responded that I would love to see their profile. That was 9:30 this morning. I obsessively checked my email every 19 seconds (give or take a second) for the rest of the day. No profile. Usually Circle will send one right away so I'm not sure if they changed their mind or just got busy or (heaven forbid) have a life. Surrogacy is always a roller coaster but this time is crazy. Approved, not approved, Couple found, couple lost. Sibling wanted, sibling not wanted. So I wait. Again. Meanwhile, I will strive to find my lower abs.....I know they're in there somewhere.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


Think how much better it would be if I had actually eaten right too. Oh well. Still some pudge there at the waistline but so much better than when I started. I think that after the active summer we have planned I will have another few pounds gone and a whole bunch more tone. Hopefully.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

What retirement feels like

I have to admit that all the times before when I said I was going to retire I did it with my fingers crossed behind my back. I knew I was probably done but a part of me still hoped to have one more journey. Now I know that that won't happen. I could carry again for my Swedish guys if they ever wanted it and I could carry again for another couple that would be okay with a one embryo transfer. But there are not many couples seeking a one embryo transfer and my Swedish guys are mostly sure they are done. Every now and then they get a baby craving but I think as time goes on they will decide once and for all that they are DONE. So I am done. I thought I would have mixed emotions about retirement. After each surrogacy I would get an almost frantic feeling when I thought about never being pregnant again. I'm glad to say that I don't feel that way now. What has made me come to this wonderful, zen-like location? Three events in the last week or so:

  1. I was at work and went to put away a tote full of DDGS. It weighed about 50 pounds and was an awkward shape. I had to climb a set of movable stairs with it and lift it straight up over my head and put it on a shelf. I have never been able to put them away before and always had to get one of the guys to help me. On Friday I thought I would give it a try and I got it put away by myself. I realized that I had p90x to thank for that and almost simultaneously realized that if I were to ever get pregnant again, I would lose this level of fitness. I don't want to get out of shape again. I don't want to miss the kids activities because I'm tired. I want to do more than be a bystander in my own life. I want to LIVE it and I don't think I can any longer if I'm pregnant.

  2. We went to Devils Icebox today. It is an underground cave and stream system that also has a ton of trails. I could keep up with the boys every step of the way. We jogged up stairs, down trails, and around sinkholes and they were sweating and complaining before I was.

  3. I tried on my itsy bitsy teeny weeny pink bikini that I have had for years. I will always have my c-section scar and "shelf". I will always have some stretch marks (thanks alot ESBs). But I didn't look half bad. In another six months I will look even less half bad. On the scale from yucky to hot I want to keep heading in the hot direction. I am tired of torturing my body and expecting it to grow children, work 40+ hours a week, lactate, and chase my own kids. I want to take care of and baby my body from here on out.

So there you have it. I am, once and for all, retired. I feel good about it. I can't wait to see what adventures life has in store for me now. My five surrogate babies now range in age from 4.5 to 4 months old. My own children range from 20 to 12. I would definitely say it is time to leave behind the time in my life when pregnancy and breastfeeding take center stage and move on to other things. I can't wait to see what those other things are.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A kick in the teeth? Sure sign me up for that.

So when I last blogged I was approved for surrogacy. How quickly things change. Now they are not sure if my uterus can handle twins so I am not approved. Don't get me wrong....if my uterus is not okay then I'm not one of those surros that wants to jump through hoops trying to be accepted. Call me crazy but a ruptured uterus, loss of blood, possibly injured or deceased babies and a possibly dead me is not my idea of a perfect journey. If it's all the same to you, I would like to come out of surrogacy alive, preferably with a bambino or two to present to their parents. So my agency is now trying to verify if I can have two embryos transferred or not because most IPs want to transfer two. I am somewhat confused because the same RE that approved me for two embryos last time is the one who is not sure now but like I said above, if it's not safe then it's not safe. Pregnancy and surrogacy have enough "what ifs" floating around without throwing in a ruptured uterus. So I wait but in my heart I think I know I am done. The strangest part is that all of this feels so forced and when I realized that I was done with surrogacy, rather than feeling panicked or sad, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. Guess that's the surest sign of all that I'm done. So yeah...not so much a kick in the teeth. It feels more like I was saved from something that might have been wonderful but could also have been very bad. Thus I will consider Cletus my swan song in the whole uterine renting arena and move on with my life. Speaking of which, I look SMOKIN now that we have finished p90x (not really but hey it sounds good. In reality I look somewher above horrendous and yet nowhere near SMOKIN). I have lost 6 pounds since giving up chocolate for Lent. I have a good kid update too but will save that for another day (good kid update on the one that is frequently nowhere near the straight and narrow so yay)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

First profile received

Why am I not surprised that it is not the MO IFs. In fact there was not mention of the MO IFs. Are they mythical IFs? I was so looking forward to being able to actually know some IFs long term. I have a great relationship with my Swedish guys and I love them like family but let's face it...they live half a world away. How cool would it be to get to have the parents at an OB appt before the point where they are just wishing the baby would get the heck out of me? How cool would it be to actually get to pump for a surrobub long term and not just the month that it takes the parents to get the baby a passport? I'm not sure how I feel about the couple they presented me with. They seem nice. But I'm just not sure. I really only wanted to talk to the MO IFs....they supposedly did not want to transfer until November (which is the timeline I would like). I'm not sure I'm even up for another journey if it is not my idea of perfect....but then again I never would have guessed how perfect things turned out with the Swedish guys. I guess I'll just take my time and see. Very disappointed right now.