Sunday, July 31, 2011

Best case scenario, worst case scenario

So I am going Tuesday for a lining check. Best case, if my lining was thin and everything went perfect from here on out, I could be transferring at the end of August. Worst case, if nothing goes right, transfer could be October or never. Who knows. I have everything crossed for good results.


We have AF. I emailed the clinic. I am thinking that we will do a check late this week or early next week to see if my lining is gone. Please, please, please, pray for no lining and low estrogen numbers.

We have started a fitness challenge at work. It was optional, yet mandatory (anyone who works for a large company will understand this). Anywho, I weighed in Friday afternoon. It lasts 10 weeks and I figure if I get pregnant, that would be a perfect excuse to gain weight, right? I have gotten off to a great start, eating my weight in chocolate for each of the last two days. Go me. I weighed in at 2 pounds above my prepregnancy weight so that's not actually too bad. If I can drop those 2 pounds then I will be right back where I started....just in time to do it all again. Woo hoo.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Boy #2

This is boy #2 at basketball camp. Getting his trophy. For outstanding camper or in basketball language, MVP. He is an awesome kid...not because he's good at basketball but because he has a dream and is not scared to put the work in to achieve it. He plays every single day and has an awesome attitude. We are very proud of him.

Could it be?

I have spotting. It is not enough to proclaim this to be day 1 yet but it is spotting for the first time in a few weeks. If it continues and gets heavier, I will email the clinic on Monday and tell them that Saturday was day 1. Trying to be hopeful.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Anyone wanna listen to me ramble?

This will probably turn into a long rambling post that makes no sense. Just fair warning up front.

On the message board I belong to, there's a common misperception that surrogates have all the "power" in the surrogacy arrangement while the Intended Parents (IPs) have all the money in the relationship. Which in itself is a weird conclusion since in most of our society, money = power.

I, however, don't agree with either one of those perceptions. I don't consider myself to have any "power" in surrogacy. Nor do I see the IPs have having power. We are two (or three) people thrown together, by choice, into an awesome/frightening/incredible adventure. Now some would say that the IPs are not there by choice. But they are. Now granted, infertility is not a choice. Obviously they would prefer if they could in some way have their own child. Infertility bites. Having to use a surrogate to have your child bites. But that is just part of surrogacy and it is neither sides "fault". So yes, surrogacy is a choice by all parties. I could choose to not be a surrogate. IPs could choose adoption, childlessness, surrogacy, etc.

As to the common misconception that surrogates are poor and IPs are rich, what a stupid thing to assume. Perhaps the IPs have saved for years and years. And even if they are well off, 100,000 dollars is alot of money, and that is what the average surrogacy costs, once you add up the surrogate fee, clinic fees, medical copays, egg donor fees, medications, etc. Even if I had a million bucks in the bank, it would still hurt to part with 100,000 grand of it, even if it was to fulfill my dream of having a child. I have never thought of any of my IPs as rich. When we go out to eat, we take turns covering the ticket. It makes me uncomfortable to know that when I travel to the transfer, my IPs are picking up the tab. In fact the whole money issue makes me uncomfortable.

I also find it ridiculous that surrogates try to order what they want in a relationship up front. They sound like they are picking car accessories from a menu. "I want contact x number of times a year, and friendship, and a stereo." How can anyone know up front what the relationship will evolve into? I love my relationship with my Swedish guys but that relationship is the product of a lot of time spent together, a lot of texts, al ot of trust on both sides, and the fact that we are all decent people. I know how lucky I got when I matched with them and I dare say they know how lucky they got when they matched with me. My relationship with my first IF is not close at all but that is ok too. In reality, I am a stranger that grew his children. The Swedish guys and I chose to be family. My first and IF chose not to be. And that is ok. How will it be with my Canadian guys (assuming I ever get out of Lupron hell and move on to cycling?)? Who knows? How ridiculous it seems to me to try to force a relationship. Every time Circle asks me what kind of relationship I want after the surrogacy is completed I tell them the same thing. I am comfortable with whatever the relationship evolves into. And that is the only genuine answer that I think either party can give. If I end up with more family at the end of this journey, great. I can always use more family. If I end up with some close friends, great. If I end up with acquaintances, great. And if I end up with nothing, that is okay too. The only thing that all parties to a surrogacy can do is be honest, open, and hang on for the ride. There is no way to predict the end result or the relationship.

So what is the point of all this rambling? I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of this illusion that there is a divide in surrogacy, with the IPs on one side and the surrogates on the other. In most surrogacies, that is not the case at all. Most surrogates feel that they are receiving as much from surrogacy as they are giving (and no I'm not talking about compensation). I personally feel that surrogacy has enriched my life in so many ways that I'm the one that should be saying thank you to my all of my IFs. It makes me sad and angry to see how many people misunderstand surrogacy. It is such a beautiful thing.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Cricket noises

Cricket noises can be heard throughout the land. And in my uterus. I am having no hope that AF is around the corner or even in the next county. Day 80 billion on Lupron (give or take a few). End nowhere in sight. Lovely.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Ask and you shall receive

Email to clinic: (paraphrased a bit but you get the idea) Hey. remember me. Girl going crazy on 10 units of lupron since 6/25. Yeah. That's right. 31 days of it. Plans? Do we have any? 'Cause lupron makes me mean. And I'm already mean by nature. And lupron makes me hungry. I ate a whole cheesecake yesterday. And lupron makes me fat. My fat pants are tight. So yeah....hmmmm...plans?

Email back: stay on lupron until you get a period. Will reasses.

Go to my friend Mr. Google. He says that you will not get a period on lupron. I know you get one at the beginning of an IVF cycle and you are on lupron then, but your period is triggered by stopping your bcps. I am not on bcps. Hmmm. So yeah....what will make me bleed? Hope? Anger? Cheesecake?

Loving surrogacy. Loving it. If my family lives through another month of me on Lupron, we just might make it to transfer. But I doubt it since I have to bleed and I haven't bled. Was told last week that if they wanted me to bleed they would induce it with provera. Now this week, apparently, my super magical special uterus can be induced to bleed without provera. Go me. Off to kill myself now. More later.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


Maybe, just maybe, I will hear something from the RE this week. I kind of thought I might get a schedule last week and know when my next lining check would be but I didn't hear from them, other than a phone call on Wed to tell me to stay on 10 units of Lupron. I am thinking that we will maybe do a lining check late in the week or early the following week and if I am suppressed we can move forward. I still think I need to bleed more since my lining is hanging out around 6 and I know they are wanting it to be more like a 3. Can your lining go down without bleeding? I can't imagine that it could but I'm really not sure. Gotta love how surrogacy can make you feel like a newbie even after 3 successful surrogacies and five transfers.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

A link

Here's a great story about gay marriage. Their baby was carried by a fellow surrogate on the message board I belong to. Enjoy.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

And the plan is:

to continue on the same dose of the same crappy Lupron hoping that it will eventually supress me. When I asked if they were going to induce a bleed because my lining is still thick the answer was maybe. Brilliant plan. So I guess we continue on as before. Oh and I ordered more Lupron today and had to pay for it myself because that is the policy with refills now. Brilliant. Loving surrogacy right now. All the bad side effects of lupron with none of the intended results. Loving it. Onward and upward. We will get there some day.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Lupron didn't work. Ovulated through it. Lining is thickening. Released 3 follicles. So much for fertility decreasing at age body knows exactly what it is supposed to do and it is doing it...Lupron be damned. So they are going to retrieve the ED, make the embies, and freeze them. My body will be reset and we will start over. I anticipate a FET around Sept or Oct if the Lupron works this time and supresses me. We shall see. Meanwhile I'm going to do whatever I can which includes really cleaning up my eating. I am going to go vegetarian (plus chocolate....please don't make me give up my chocolate) and increase my exercise to see if that helps. I am already drinking gobs of water. I am waiting on instructions from the RE but until then, I am staying on the 10 units of Lupron that is wreaking havoc on my body. Go me. Urgh. Oh well. At least I don't have to feel bad about delaying the ED any more. More to follow when I find out what's up.

More bloodwork

Again. Same bloodwork. Again. Today at 4:15. Almost out of Lupron so let's hope everything is good and I can lower the dose. No results until tomorrow since the appointment is so late. Pray for good news or really bad news....I just can't stand another week on 10 units of Lupron.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


from the wilds of rural MO. Lining is still thick. Estrogen is still high. Cycle is still delayed. More bloodwork Tuesday along with another lining check. If everything is not ok by that point then I'm going to ask to just cancel the cycle and restart. I have been on 10mL of Lupron for a month now and the headaches are becoming unbearable.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Gone baby gone

Signing out now for a week. Won't be back into the internet world for the next week. I plan to get sand in every crevice and relax and enjoy my family. Can't wait (although that sand crevice thing might be a smidge uncomfortable). See you on the other side. :)

Get over it

Warning....warning.....Small rant ahead.

I am going to make a t-shirt. It is going to say

I am a surrogate for GAY MEN

I am going to wear said shirt everywhere. To mass. To Catholic school functions. To work. To the grocery store and the library and the bowling alley and every damn place I go. And maybe, ten years from now, when the shirt is old and dirty and holey, people will finally get the heck over it. Because you know what, I'm not gonna stop carrying babies for gay men. Even when I am retired, I will still be a surrogate for gay men in my heart.

Rant over.

The fat lady is warming up

Lining was still a six. If I had to guess I would say that that is too thick. We shall see what the clinic says but I would say we are done for this cycle. Not sure where we go from here. Oh well. Time will tell.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Follow up

Follow-up lining check is tomorrow bright and early. They wanted it to be next week but we are out of town all week on vacation so that is not possible. I had my first check on Wednesday and my lining was an 8. I continued to bleed (though not heavily at all) the rest of Wednesday. I spotted a bit on Thursday and just a tiny bit today. So as much as I hope that my lining is thin in the morning, I don't expect it to be. I just don't see how I could have lost 8mm of lining. I was stupid and did not ask the clinic how thin it needs to be to start estrace. I would assume between a 2 and a 4 but I don't know. I am supposed to ask the clinic what the measurement is when I am there tomorrow. I will then email this measurement to my clinic and they will give me instructions. My estrogen was a bit high but not horribly is my understanding that my estrogen level won't delay the cycle but my lining will.

So I guess tomorrow morning I will know the fate of this cycle to a certain extent but not really since if things don't look good I am not sure what they will do about the egg donor and her window of only one week. Oh well. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. And meanwhile I am less than 48 hours away from my first vacation in years so even if the monitoring clinic tells me that my lining is now a 17.4 and there's a polar bear in there, I don't think it will bring me down for long. (No...I'm not really that nonchalant about it...I want my body to do the right thing so that it does not mess this up for everyone else...just trying to think positively.)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Uh oh

Longer post later but to sum it up:
Lining did not shed enough
Estrogen is still too high
Cycle is scrubbed

I have been reading alot of surros having this reaction because we are all getting our Lupron from a pharmacy that compounds it themselves and it is not right. But it could also be that I am old and my body is old and tired. Who knows. Waiting for instructions since I know ED had only one window. I think there are several possibilities:

1. They will retrieve the ED, freeze the eggs and we will do a FET
2. They will scrub us both and wait for her next window which is like December
3. They will find a new surro super fast and use her with this ED in this window

I am ok with any of those. Whatever works best and gets the guys the baby they are dreaming of. Off to work.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Into week 2

Of p90x that is. So far so good. I really love the legs and back workout and the kenpo workout. I endure the arms and back workouts because of how strong they make my arms. Someday I really need to concentrate on my eating so that my arms can be more cut. A fellow surro has awesome arms that are so cut...but somehow I doubt that she eats her weight in chocolate every single day. You can see her arms here: Pretty cute baby bump too. :0)

Once again we have no kids this weekend. Three out of the last four weekends have been kid free. It feels really really strange.

I have to work tomorrow on the holiday but I'm not complaining. I get double time for the time I am there (about 4 hours) and I get my holiday pay for 8 hours. So basically I work for 4 hours and get paid for 16. You won't hear me complaining. Joe is laid off this summer and while money is not tight, I am definitely not turning down any chances to make a few extra bucks at work.

Off to walmart to find a swimsuit that does not ride up or make me look fat. This should be interesting.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

We have AF

My last BCP was Thursday and AF arrived this morning. The timing is perfect since the bleeding should be almost done by Wednesday when I have my date with the weenie wand, and will be completely gone when we leave on vacation in a little over a week. Woo hoo. So far the old gray mare is reacting well. Let's just hope the ovaries are quiet. I was woken up last night by my left ovary twinging and that usually means that I ovulated. How on earth I could ovulate through Lupron and BCPs I have no idea....but then I am hyper fertile.

Off to find something to do indoors. It is beastly hot here (last time I checked the temperature outside was 98 and the humidity is sky high too). Love living in the armpit of the nation. Love it. It's beastly in the summer, frozen in the winter, and best of all, inhabited by narrow minded individuals that actually believe they are being Christ-like as they spew their hatred of gays, surrogates, and any other topic that their country music has not educated them about. (BTW, Lupron makes me mean...can ya tell).