Our first grandchildren

So I am only 38 and was not at all excited to be called grandmother. But life is not always (read never) about what you want and what you are excited about so when the step daughter turned up pregnant, we tried to embrace it. We were scared for her because we knew she was not ready to be a mom. We were scared for us after we found out it was twins because we knew that in all likelihood we would end up raising them. One baby she might have been able to do but two would be beyond her. We tried to gently guide her to adoption but the noteriety of twins had her burying her head in the sand about the reality of the situation.

Yesterday morning, at 10:30 am we found out that her water had broken. I ran to the hospital down the road. After examination they sent her in an ambulance (at 105mph) to a larger hospital an hour away. After many hours and many tests, it was determined that the pregnancy could not be saved. 12 hours after the ordeal began, she delivered the first twin. An hour later, the second was born. To see my child in that much physical and emotional pain is something I hope to never have to witness again. I guzzled bottle after bottle of water, praying that Cletus would hang in there throughout the long day on my feet and he did thankfully.

Step daughter is trying to move forward. We are trying to adjust to yet another sudden change. We were quietly rearranging our life in preparation for full time parenting of newborn twins and we no longer have to do that. Tears are very close to the surface today. The whole experience brought back memories of the birth and death of my daughter 15 years ago. I pray for peace for my step-daughter and my poor husband.

I have never seen a fetus at 19 weeks gestation and had no idea that they would be red. They were both perfectly formed, though the girl was much larger than the boy. They had fingernails and toenails and were beautiful.

Growing older, growing fatter, hopefully growing wiser

I have found that for me, the hardest part of parenting is letting go. Our three oldest children are all out of the house now and living independently. It is strange to think of them as adult children but I guess they are. None of them ask us for money or support of any kind. They all make their own decisions. So I guess they are adults. It is hard for me to not "rescue" them when I see them struggling but I have seen way too many kids whose parents helped them too much and they never became independent so I have learned/am learning to back off. I bite my tongue when I want to offer advice and let them make their own mistakes. It's very hard.

I am 28 weeks pregnant now. From the fiasco of bedrest last time, I know that if the baby were born now he would have a 98% chance of survival and a 95% of a normal life. But he's gonna stay in for awhile I hope. Still not really any Braxton-Hicks contractions and not any complications. I finally see the midwife again in 10 days or so. We ended up going over 6 weeks between appointments this time and that feels like a long time. Not that I have anything to discuss with her....all is well in babyland. I think that Joe would now be ok with a homebirth but I have not discussed it with the guys. The are busy and worried and I refuse to try to sell them on homebirth. When/if they come over, they can talk to the midwife about it. But I am still resigned to laboring at home and delivering in the hospital. Cletus has had a growth spurt recently and I definitely look alot more preggo now than I did two weeks ago.

Today will be a roofing day. The roof leaked in the last rainstorm and needs a bit of a patch job. Can't wait to pay off the rest of our debt so that we can start socking money away for a new roof. And siding. And windows. Our house is 100 plus years old and is a money pit if I ever saw one but we love the space. Our master bedroom alone is 600 square feet and easily holds two large dressers, a massive desk, a queen size bed, and a small table with enough left over floor space that both Joe and I can do yoga.

On the subject of debt repayment, we have paid off our line of credit, which was actually the old credit card debt. We are left now with our car payment, two student loans and the mortgage. The plan/hope is to pay off the car by the end of 2011, the student loans by the end of 2012, and then start saving for housing repairs. We will never use a credit card again because we feel as if the last 5 years of our life have been devoted to paying off the debt from the previous 10 years. No thanks. From now on, if we can't afford it, we are not buying it.

The two kids that still live at home just had eye and dental appointments. Thankfully all was well with both at both places so we just paid our co-pays and were done. One of them does need braces but I don't believe in braces until the mouth is done growing. So many kids get them now at 10 and then need them again at 14. No thanks. We'll wait until he's done growing. Next up will be physicals for them and then dental appointments for Joe and I.

And that is our life. Boring, same old same old stuff. Just the way we like it.

Life

is just never gonna get easier is it? No I'm not whining or complaining. And no, this is not surrogacy related. I am just so tired of some things and I wish I could change them but I guess I can't and that just sucks.

So

I was talking to my counselor the other day. My agency requires that you talk to their counselor once a month to make sure you don't go all "crazy surro" and try to abscond with the babies or blackmail their parents to get a new Maserati. So nice to be trusted. Anywho, the counselor and I have discussed a few times the fact that the agency might need to know about the cancer to figure out the legal aspects following delivery such as what to do if LO can't come and it turns out to be his baby, etc. The other day the counselor had a "what if" conversation with my agency and it became apparent that they knew nothing of this situation. She gave away no details at all, not even mentioning my state. She left it in my ballpark whether I let the agency know anything further. I honestly don't know what to do. I do not want to violate the guys' privacy in any way. This is their situation and I do not in any way want to dictate how they handle it. However, I would like to make sure that there will be no issues after the birth. Missouri does not do PBOs so my name is on the birth certificate for a period of time after the birth and so I do have a bit of a stake in making sure things go smoothly. What would you do? At this point I have decided to give it another few weeks, hoping that maybe the guys will know how LO is reacting to his chemo and thus will know if he can come for the delivery or not.

Meanwhile, I will continue to grow Cletus. I am hoping for a big baby born on or after his/her due date.

91 and 65

This baby is due in 91 days.

I have 65 days to work until my due date.

I think we will make it. Still feeling good.

26 weeks. Pregnancy number 6. Baby number 8. Older than dirt.

Comments

So what an idiot am I....I just noticed that I have comments on some of my posts. Comments make me feel famous.

Gonna take some pics of the enormous Cletus in a bit and will post them. I am fat and sassy but loving every minute of this pregnancy (well not the emotional turmoil of an IF with cancer but other than that.....) Back later with fat chick pics.