31w1d photos

31 weeks

****starting to be a bit uncomfortable but nothing too bad yet.
****got my paystub for the last two weeks. Worked 90.3 hours.
****number 2 could be partially to blame for number 1.
****31 weeks today.
****No contractions really yet other than a few BH daily.
****Will take pics tomorrow....look as if I have an alien in my belly trying to get
out.
****Busy weekend planned. Must tar roof (again), pull out broken windows that
cracked from the cold last winter, take out air conditioners (it is finally
cooling off here), go to local festival, oh, and try to rest a bit.
****Exhausted alot. Still swimming twice a week (heavenly), walking in the
mornings, doing yoga twice a week, and walking some evenings.
****Gained alot of weight recently. Had to choose between cutting out sweets
or exercising more. Decided to throw scale away instead. Definitely the
right choice.

Darn scientific studies

I am a scientist....a chemist in fact. When I was in school we were encouraged to read scientific articles and studies and to really analyze them. To this day, I get a little excited when I find the abstract of a study (or even better, the actual study). I won't read the parts of studies that make it into the regular news because in general the media tries to distort the data to make it read the way they want it to. They usually have an agenda.

Anywho, today I was perusing some journals and made the mistake of reading a study about bonding. They were talking about how a baby hears the voice of the mother/carrier and bonds with them. And how if they don't hear that same voice after that they will miss the mother/carrier and mourn for her. Let's just say that I was crying after reading that. I don't want to think that the baby misses me, even for a brief point. I know that the guys are everything the baby needs but it makes sense that the baby would miss the voice it knows.

30w2d

We had a massive thunderstorm come through this morning around 4 am. Lost power, lightning hit the back house (no damage thankfully). Anywho, turns out that the massive change in barometric pressure caused me to have a ton of BH contractions. It felt weird since I haven't really had any yet. Thankfully my cervix is still tight and closed. I honestly never knew that barometric pressure changes could cause contractions. Guess it makes sense that since a full moon can, then so can a massive storm. Luckily as I said, they were all false contractions. So we continue on. I am starting to think about delivery and wondering where I will deliver and when.

Going so well

So I saw the midwife today and things are going so well that I still only have to see the midwife once a month instead of every other week. I am 29w4d and I see her again at 33w4d and then will go to biweekly appointments.

Weight gain is 16 pounds. BP is great. Cletus is great. No gestational diabetes. Iron level in blood is wonderful. In other words I am healthy as a horse and so is Cletus.

After the midwife (who Joe also loved) we went Xmas shopping. Got about 75% done and we got something for the boys that they are going to love.

Have I mentioned how much I am loving this pregnancy? I hate to say that it is easy because I will jinx myself but so far it feels easy. Loving it.

Back and feeling like myself again

Well we survived the funeral and I am feeling much better. Funny note about the funeral.....a friend of DD's made a slideshow to play on the laptop showing DD preggo and then pics of the babies. The music they chose was rap music. I kid you not. The same song, over and over again. I finally went over and turned the volume way down. I think they were too scared of me to call me on it.

So DD has moved in with her boyfriend and now lives about an hour away. Other DD is involved in school and work. Oldest DS is busy with his friends and doesn't live at home anymore either. We are back to our nice calm life with our two 12 year olds and we are loving it. Praise God for calmness.

Cletus has had a growth spurt. I was measuring the boys today to find out what size pants to buy them next week, so I measured my waist also. It is 39 inches, up 4 inches in just 2 weeks. Egads. I have gained about 18 pounds which I guess is okay. I don't worry much about the weight because I know we have a massive workout schedule ahead of us after this baby comes.

Confession time: I am really hoping for a vaginal birth for many reasons. It's better for the baby, better for me, and easier to recover on. Yet a part of me (here comes the confession) really wants a vaginal birth so that I can carry again. I know that that is crazy. I should be done with surrogacy. After this journey I will have delivered 5 beautiful babies to three wonderful men. That should be enough. Why am I already having this craving again? What is wrong with me? It's not that I can't find fulfillment in other areas of my life....it's just that nothing makes me feel as complete and as wonderful as surrogacy does. But my DH would KILL me if he knew I was even thinking of another journey. Oh well. I need to get this baby grown, delivered, and then physcially recover from that. We are doing P90X immediately postpartum and then I'm going to do a triathalon. By the time I do all that I will be 39 and hopefully too old for surrogacy. Plus the kids just keep getting busier each year. I am not going to rush into anything and I hope the craving will go away.

My breaking point

Exhaustion tends to be what breaks down my walls and today I am exhausted so for the first time in a LONG time, I bawled like a baby for hours. I just feel like I can't take anything else and while I know it is just because I am so tired from lack of sleep and emotional stress, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with any of this crap. I am just so tired.

My breaking point came while watching Juno....more specifically the scene where she has delivered the baby and is laying on the bed with her boyfried crying. I have never watched Juno (although I have seen parts of it) and I would highly recommend it but not while exhausted and hormonal.

I am so tired at this point that I don't even know if I'm making sense. I just don't feel like emotionally I can take one more thing. I cried for the guys and the baby and the twins and what they are all going through. I have been the parent left behind, the one that dries the tears of the kids and it is a horrid place to be. I cried for myself and the lack of contact with the dads this time and my worries that this baby will be ignored. I cried for my stepdaughter and the horrors she had to endure yesterday and the emotional journey she will have to make now. I have been down her road and it is not an easy one. I cried for my oldest son that does not live with us but refuses to make the right choices in his life. I cried for myself and the emotions that I know are ahead at the end of this journey.

Yes I sound whiny and yes I know that things will look better tomorrow. But today....today I am exhausted.

Note to self: Adding Juno to the list of movies to not watch when exhausted.