NO NO NO....

Okay....I have reached the end of my rope. I am thrilled that Cletus is healthy. I am thrilled that I am healthy. I am thrilled that I worked the whole entire way through a full term pregnancy and only took half of one day off. I do understand how blessed I am. But I am going to whine for a sec here:

1. Wanted a homebirth. Sorry....not gonna happen.
2. Wanted a midwife. Sorry...not gonna happen.
3. Wanted to deliver at the local hospital so I could labor almost completely at home. Sorry...not gonna happen.
4. Wanted to go into labor right after Lennart got here so I could avoid feeling like a watched pot that was inconveniencing him. He's been here two weeks. Sorry...not gonna happen.
5. Wanted to get stripped at 38 and 40 weeks. Not dilated at all. Sorry not gonna happen.
6. Wanted to labor alone and then call Lennart at the end. Since we are all meeting ath the hospital at 7 am to either have my water broken or have a c-section....sorry not gonna happen.

7.WANT A VBAC.

Can I please have number 7? Hey, can I at least just go into labor on my own so that even if I have a c-section, I know that Cletus is ready to come out? Please.

I am doing okay. I have resigned myself to the section because after two weeks of doing everything on the "self induction" checklist daily, my cervix is still stubbornly closed. I think I might even be able to make myself sit on the table and endure the placing of the epidural even though just the thought gives me a panic attack. I can do this. I signed a contract and I will do this. But I sure as hell don't want to do this.

Due today

Cletus, however, did not get the memo. Worked all day. No contractions. No show. Sigh.

Due tomorrow

So I went to the OB yesterday. Lennart went with me. Our hope was that she could check me, strip my membranes, and send me into labor. We are creatures of hope. Fruitless hope it turns out.

She checked me. I was 39w5d. This is my SIXTH pregnancy. I stand over 40 hours a week at my job. How dilated was I? None. Nada. She couldn't even get one skinny digit inside my cervix. Sigh. Cletus is a stubborn, stubborn, baby.

Then she says, "Well if you really want to have YOUR BABY today we can do a c-section." Lennart got all excited and I had to shoot him down. I am not doing a voluntary repeat c-section when I am not even due yet. AND IT'S NOT MY BABY LADY.

So we decided that on 12/3, when I will be 41 weeks preggo, we will check into the hospital. If I am dilated at all, they will break my water and try to throw me into labor. If I am not, they will section me. Joy. Cletus has 8 days to evacuate on his own. Either way, in 8 days this journey is over. I am praying to go into labor on my own before that but so far, it is not looking likely.

Come on....please?

Unlike alot of surrogates, I don't particularly enjoy the end of surrogacy. Now don't get me wrong....I love handing the baby to the parents and seeing their joy. I love sitting back and watching the parents fall in love with their child. I love getting to go home and sleep through the night. I enjoy getting my body back.

So what is it I don't like? I don't like the emotions. I hate the crash of hormones. I hate the emotional ups and downs. I hate pretending that all is "hunky dorey" in my world. I hate the way I can't ever find a moment of peace, by myself to cry when I need to. I hate how everyone watches me to see if I am ok. Well frankly I am ok but I'm not. I do get attached to the baby and I do miss it. I miss feeling like I'm part of something bigger. No, that doesn't mean I want to keep the baby. But I am not one of those lucky surrogates who can just say, "here's your baby" and walk away with no emotional "fallout". It hurts for awhile. I am sad for awhile. Then the hormones calm down and I am fine. The whole process takes anywhere from two weeks to a month.

So anywho, here I sit, incredibly pregnant, and emotionally ready for what I know is to come. And the baby won't seem to come. Yes, I get that I am still five days from my due date. But I am ready and sitting here, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop is really hard for me. Everytime I get up at night to go to the bathroom, I find myself begging and pleading with God to let me go into labor. I just want to get started on this next part so that I can get through it. Yes, I will miss the baby and the dads but I am ready.

So come on....please?

Geared up for another week

Well there are no signs of anything happening in the ole uterus so I am gearing up for another week at work. Monday I have to do mycotoxin testing which takes a few hours and will make that day go fast. Tuesday I have a very important meeting and I have to sign up for benefits for next year. Plus that night boy #2 has a basketball game.

So the next "window of opportunity" for Cletus begins Tuesday evening and ends next Sunday morning. Maybe he/she will come during that period of time? Maybe. In another week I'm going to throw away my whole "window of opportunity" thing and just start telling the kid to get out. 39w2d today so he/she still has time. I know that at 41 weeks the docs are going to start wanting to get aggressive (aka induction or c-section) and I am really hoping Cletus comes before then. We shall see I guess.

Shopping, Red Lobster, and Walking....oh my

Meeting Lennart today for an early dinner at Red Lobster. I adore Red Lobster and thankfully, so does Cletus. You see Cletus and I have had a few arguments this pregnancy about food. A few times I have insisted, and gone ahead and eaten a non-Cletus-approved food. In those few cases, Cletus has come out the victor. At this point, I am mostly eating cereal, fruit, veggies, and rice because that is all he says he will put up with. So rather than argue, I pick my battles and remain thankful that crab legs are tolerated by my resident parasite.

Boy #2 has a parade today and then we are off to Columbia. We will shop until we drop (darn kids outgrew their clothes AGAIN), eat until we are stuffed, and then shop some more. We also plan alot of walking today. Maybe, maybe, maybe, I will get a few contractions (stop laughing at me).

Bullet points

** I just realized that one of the blogs I follow is the surro who delivered for Neil Patrick Harris. Strange. Color me oblivious. I can't imagine carrying for a celebrity...I would rather eat poo. I like my privacy.

** My OB cancelled my appointment today. Again.

** I am 39 weeks tomorrow.

** The check stub I got today for the past two weeks had 92 hours on it. Yeah. 46 hours a week while this preggo. Go me.

** Starting to get a few BH contractions but not a ton. I don't feel like the baby has dropped and I don't see much happening with my cervix until he/she does drop. I checked my cervix in the bath tonight because it finally was low enough for me to find. It is completely closed. Hmmmm.

** I have decided to let the OB break my water on 12/3 to try to send me into labor. If that doesn't work I will consent to a section. Lennart is here and waiting and at that point I will be 41 weeks. He needs to be able to start his paperwork to get the baby back to Sweden. And he needs to be home with Lars-Ove and the twins by Xmas.

** Constipation is my only pregnancy complaint. Not sexy but it is what it is. I am literally full of poo. Gross. Maybe that is what is keeping the baby from dropping?