Continuing Along in my TMI vein

Yesterday I passed a large clot.  After dissection (hey I said in the title TMI...if you are still reading, that's on you) I decided there was no baby in it.  Bleeding remained heavy for awhile but has slowed significantly now and is just brown blood not red.  This is the first slowing since Tuesday.  I am hopeful that we are going to catch a break here.  Maybe....

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.  You know how I said that I had quit my job.  Well not 3 days after giving my notice, my coworker got very ill and they asked me to stay on for a bit longer.  Of course I agreed.  I have no issues there, I just have a way to work at home.  So I've still been doing two jobs, while pregnant, and now bleeding.  I am TIRED.  Things are calming down now though.  I finally have an "ABSOLUTELY THE LAST DAY I WILL WORK" day for my lab job and it's in less than a month.  I am finally getting some more sleep.  The bleeding is slowing down (for now...from reading it seems like most SCH's bleed for many weeks, on an off).  And best of all, we are going on vacation in less than a week. 

Looking forward to the very near future when I will wake up, take a leisurely walk, type for a bit, clean house, type for a bit, etc.  Hubster is settled back into his job and is content to work there full time forever so my options are definitely opening up.  I see my little bakery in the very near future, with typing to pay the bills while I wait to get famous off my cupcakes.  :)

A positive spin on things?

In general  I try to be a positive person.  No matter what life throws my way I try to see it in a positive light.  So this whole bleeding thing...I'm trying.  This time I started bleeding on Tuesday I think and I've bled steadily since. Sometimes heavy, sometimes light.  Sometimes horrible cramps, sometimes light.  Always bright red blood.  I no longer assume that this means there's a baby falling out of me but no matter how many people tell me their stories about SCH, my brain just keeps screaming...

ITS NOT NORMAL TO BLEED DURING PREGNANCY.


I have no restrictions, in fact the clinic acts as if nothing is wrong. Hmmm. They were very upbeat and positive with the guys so I will be too. No one seems to even want to hear that I'm bleeding so I won't tell them anymore (or still).

In the pic below the small sac is the baby and the large sac is the bleed.  Yeah, that totally looks normal and positive and upbeat. 

The fat lady is in a holding pattern

We have a baby.  We also have a sch which is larger than the gestational sac.  The larger the SCH, the more dangerous it is to the pregnancy.  So for right now there's a baby but we were told to be cautiously optimistic.  I am still bleeding but looking at the size of the sch I guess I can expect that.  Now another 3 week wait for the next ultrasound but at least we are reassured that things are ok for this moment. 

Fat Lady Auditions in Aisle 3

So today brought more cramping and more bleeding.  We have managed to talk our way into an emergency ultrasound sooner than Monday so at least we will know something.  I am tired of bleeding to death.  My guys are tired of waiting and wondering.  Tomorrow we will know something, maybe. 

Good news?

Well the swiss army knife of pregnancy tests (as my IFs refer to it) has not arrived yet...probably because I ordered it yesterday.  But I did take another FRER and the test line is so dark that it stole almost all the dye and there's hardly a control light at all.  So I'm hoping that's a good sign.  It seems noticeably darker to me than the one I took a week ago right after the bleed but I guess we'll see.

On to the really good news. 
Hubster got a full time job.  With benefits.  And it's a job he likes and we know he can do and keep.  Hallelujah. 

Intolerable

This whole not knowing if there is a baby or two or none or a pomeranian or a hedge hog residing in me is intolerable.  This whole continuing on with shots and meds when more likely than not I miscarried six days ago is intolerable.  This whole wait until seven weeks for an ultrasound when we all know that at 5 weeks we could see a gestational sac and get some reassurance and at 5w6d we might even see a fetal pole is intolerable. 


And if it's this intolerable for me, I can't imagine how it must be for the guys.  This is their child we're talking about here.  I have never thought CFA to be insensitive but in this situation, I think they are being insensitve to my guys.  For some reason they seem to be thinking spotting while I am talking murder scene/blood trail bleeding. 

Oh well.  11 days to go.

Well that can't be a good sign

So last night as I was sitting in bed getting ready to lay down I started getting menstrual cramps.  Sort of on auto pilot I headed to the bathroom to get a pad when it struck me, "Hey idiot...you are supposed to be pregnant.  This is not good."  Neither was the ensuing bleeding and cramping.  These were not "meh" cramps either, these were "oh God now how does that Lamaze stuff go" cramps.  So I get up this morning and I'm still bleeding though nowhere near as heavily.  I e-mailed my IFs (I was going to wait if the bleeding had stopped but since it hadn't I felt they should be in the loop) and then went for my already scheduled bloodwork.  While there I tried to finagle an ultrasound but no go since the clinic had not ordered one.  Bummer.  So for the next two weeks we get to wonder if:

(1) I have had a miscarriage and there's nothing in there at all
(2) I was preggo with twins and one miscarried, leaving me preggo with one
(3) I have a sch


Two weeks.  Two weeks.  My IFs are pulling their hair out.  I'm going to go drown myself in a vat of boiling oil. 

So what do I think?  I don't know what to think.  It was a lot of blood.  And clots.  And (TMI...sorry) slimy stuff.  I don't see how there could still be a baby in there. 

Beta was 5033 at 18dp5dt.  But if i just miscarried last night it would still be high. 

I am exhausted by this process this time and feel horrible for my guys.