Monday, August 30, 2010


is just never gonna get easier is it? No I'm not whining or complaining. And no, this is not surrogacy related. I am just so tired of some things and I wish I could change them but I guess I can't and that just sucks.

Friday, August 27, 2010


I was talking to my counselor the other day. My agency requires that you talk to their counselor once a month to make sure you don't go all "crazy surro" and try to abscond with the babies or blackmail their parents to get a new Maserati. So nice to be trusted. Anywho, the counselor and I have discussed a few times the fact that the agency might need to know about the cancer to figure out the legal aspects following delivery such as what to do if LO can't come and it turns out to be his baby, etc. The other day the counselor had a "what if" conversation with my agency and it became apparent that they knew nothing of this situation. She gave away no details at all, not even mentioning my state. She left it in my ballpark whether I let the agency know anything further. I honestly don't know what to do. I do not want to violate the guys' privacy in any way. This is their situation and I do not in any way want to dictate how they handle it. However, I would like to make sure that there will be no issues after the birth. Missouri does not do PBOs so my name is on the birth certificate for a period of time after the birth and so I do have a bit of a stake in making sure things go smoothly. What would you do? At this point I have decided to give it another few weeks, hoping that maybe the guys will know how LO is reacting to his chemo and thus will know if he can come for the delivery or not.

Meanwhile, I will continue to grow Cletus. I am hoping for a big baby born on or after his/her due date.

91 and 65

This baby is due in 91 days.

I have 65 days to work until my due date.

I think we will make it. Still feeling good.

Friday, August 20, 2010

26 weeks. Pregnancy number 6. Baby number 8. Older than dirt.


So what an idiot am I....I just noticed that I have comments on some of my posts. Comments make me feel famous.

Gonna take some pics of the enormous Cletus in a bit and will post them. I am fat and sassy but loving every minute of this pregnancy (well not the emotional turmoil of an IF with cancer but other than that.....) Back later with fat chick pics.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Moving right along

Wow we are 25 weeks and a few days pregnant already. How did that happen? I am starting to look pregnant but still feel really good. The working is not bothering me yet. Last time at this point the jerk of a perinatologist already had me in the hospital on bedrest even though I knew then as I know now that there was no reason for it. Granted that was twins but I worked until 34 weeks with the first set of twins with no problem whatsoever. I have somewhat of a chip on my shoulder this time and want to prove to myself and my agency and my RE that the peri was just an overcautious nut last time. So far not a single contraction this time so yay for small victories. Last time he just kept saying my cervix was short and I just kept saying that maybe it was always short. In the end, he finally admitted that I might be right when I was taken off bedrest and carried for a few more weeks and delivered full term twins. But I still feel like I have something to prove. Hopefully this baby and I stay healthy so we can work up until I go into labor at 42 weeks.

L-O has had four rounds of chemo now. He goes in early September for testing to see if the chemo is working. I guess that depending on those results we will know if he is able to come for the birth or not. I hope that the cancer is completely gone but I don't know how likely that is.

Kids are all still here and doing about the same. We will leave it at that.

I have started doing yoga again every day. I hadn't realized how stiff and inflexible I had become but the yoga is definitely helping. We still walk every morning also and I do my 100 crunches (getting more difficult now that Cletus is in the way) and 20 pushups daily. I have talked my hubby into starting P90X with me on December 15th and I plan to start a triathalon training program at the end of March. Since this is my last pregnancy (theoretically anyway) I can't wait to drop back down to the 120 that I weighed 5 years ago before I got a hair up my ass to populate the globe with babies for gay men. 5 years and 5 babies later, I figure to be about 165 when I deliver this ESS so that will be 45 pounds to lose. Egads. But it can be done.

I will be pumping for a week or so for this baby and then an additional month to store the milk for my grandkids (did I mention that the stepdaughter is preggo with twins?...don't ask) and then I am putting all reproductive and lactating functions into permanent retirement (theoretically).

So that's it. I have just stuffed yet another salad down my craw when what I really wanted was some chocolate cake and I'm heading off to put the kids to bed and go to bed myself.

Happy gestating to all.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Irrational fear of dying

Does anyone else have this? I find that lately I am terrified of dying. I am all gung ho for a natural labor at home and then a quick trip to the hospital for delivery 99% of the time. And yet the other 1% I find myself terrified that my uterus will rupture or I will bleed uncontrollably. And it's not that I'm scared to die for myself....I'm petrified of leaving my son. He is only 12 and has already lost his father. He is so vulnerable and I feel like his losing me would be the last straw. I can't imagine how my IF must feel....knowing that he has stage 4 cancer and having 2 children and a third on the way. I am sure he has the same fears and yet his must be so much more concrete.

Okay....there's my share of crazy for the day. Return to your regularly scheduled programming now.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Confessions of a bad blogger

I used to be such a good blogger....back in the good old days. Now I have no funny insights and few funny stories so I have become a bad blogger. My life seems too boring to blog about. I work, I gestate, I eat, I sleep. Rinse and repeat. Day after day after day. But just for grins, here's how life is right now.

The fetus: is growing right on schedule. I had my third appointment with the midwife and I love her more every time I go. My guys are very uninvolved in this pregnancy and it is so weird. They were so involved last time. I tell myself that it is because of the cancer and the fact that they have two year old twins but honestly it doesn't help alot. They never ask about the baby and in turn that makes it seem like I am the only person who cares about the baby. I feel myself being more attached to this one simply because I feel bad for him/her that his dads are not very interested. And that worries me because I know how emotional the first few weeks after surrogacy are anyway and I don't want it to hurt any more than it normall does. I just feel so.....well I honestly don't know how I feel. I am tired of worrying about the birth and the guys. I thought that by having a baby for two men I would be able to escape all the emotional crap but I guess not. One day at a time as they say, right? I am sure that once the guys are over here they will be very interested....they are just busy.

The kids.....the 12 year olds are awesome. The rest......well yeah. Next subject.

The job....still there but only working about 42 hours a week. Yay. I don't know if I will stay forever or quit next week. Indecisive much?

We have had an attack of fleas in our house. We sprayed the house, bathed the cat, forced pills down the cat, sprayed the cat, put frontline on the cat. Finally the battle has been won but I am not sure about the war. I hate fleas. Hate them. Our poor cat will probably grow a second head from the amount of flea treatment that we put on it but hey.....desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

It has been hotter than the seventh circle of hell here lately. 100 degrees and humid is horrid at any time but when you are hauling around your own personal furnace (aka Cletus the Fetus) it is downright miserable. Throw in the fact that I work in an ethanol plant with two dryers at 500 and 700 degrees, and you begin to understand my hatred of summer. If I could shoot the sun from the sky I would. I am sick of sweating and ready for fall.

The kids go back to school in another week and a half. Joe is quite ready I think. Since he is the house parent he is the one terrorized in the summer. Better him than me. I had my years as the stay at home parent.

I guess that is it. No funny stories. No quirky insights into life. I don't really understand much of anything anymore so I won't try to explain it to you.