Sunday, August 28, 2011

No one is listening to me

I almost wrote this post as a letter to my agency but decided to vent to my blog instead. No one is listening to me.

1. The guys insist I get New Life insurance even though my insurance has no surrogacy exclusion and has covered 3 surrogacies now, including one with hospital bed rest. But whatever, right. So I fill out the paperwork and find out that New Life doesn’t even cover any of the doctors in this area. So to be in compliance I would have to drive to St. Louis to deliver. St. Louis is 3 hours from my house. And not in the county that has the good judge for surrogacy. When I tell the guys this they either do not listen or do not care. I AM NOT DRIVING 3 HOURS IN A CAR IN LABOR.

2. I have been on lupron since the dawn of time. I am not bleeding completely on lupron. I need to be taken off lupron, put back on bcps and allowed to have a full bleed. Then we can restart the cycle. I am tempted to do this to myself but don’t want to defy doctors orders. So I just continue on the same stupid protocol that has not worked for 60 plus days now. Lupron makes me hungry and gain weight. But I’m on a weight loss challenge at work so I am exercising like a maniac and not eating much too just maintain my weight and barely lose a bit each week. Lupron also gives me insomnia. I have not slept in weeks. But the clinic is not listening. Or do they just not care?

3. The agency is nowhere to be found. I don’t know if they are busy or what but the only time I hear from them is when I email them every single damn month when the check is late.
I am tired of this. I don’t want to do this anymore. But I can’t just quit. My guys are counting on me. I don’t want them to have to start over. But I don’t think I’m ever going to suppress on this protocol. What should I do? How can I make people listen to me? I’m a 3x successful surrogate for heaven’s sake…why this time does no one want to listen?

Saturday, August 27, 2011


lining went from a 6 to a 10.8. While on Lupron. Commencing a new plan that will involve world domination by my ovaries because let's face it, these puppies can populate the world when pissed off.

On the home front (or I guess you would say the county jail front), the oldest boys public defender convinced him to plead guilty without any deal....he just pled guilty to everything. He got 10 years. Wow.

I have nothing else. Off to drown myself in a vat of chocolate.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Tomorrow's schedule

Get up at 5:15 am
Leave for monitoring at 5:30 am
Arrive at doctors office at 6:30 am
Find out that my estrogen is high and my lining is thick
Arrive at work at 7:45 am
Receive a shipment of my fifth vial of lupron this cycle.
Kill myself and anyone in my path.
Any questions?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Estrogen high. Lining ok. Baby steps, right? Plan? Continue on lupron. Sure. Why the hell not. It's gotta work some time right? Right?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

At the risk of

At the risk of sounding like the surrogate who cried AF, I think AF started this morning. I am scared to notify RE since I know he will send me for monitoring and after four times now, I don't want to hear that my lining is thick and my estrogen is high again. Can I just move to Canada? Oh guys are from Canada.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Yeah well

Still here.
Still on Lupron.
Nice of you to 56 of Lupron.
Still no AF.
Lupron makes me it's worth noting...still married.
Transfer should have been 14 days ago...the 2ww should be over.
Still here.
Still waiting.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Do you miss the baby?

Do you miss the baby? That is by far one of the most frequent questions I, as a surrogate, encounter from others. I can remember being a first time surrogate and having people ask me, while I was still pregnant, if I would miss the babies. I didn’t know the answer to that question at the time. As I sit here now, having completed three surrogacies and having delivered five full term, healthy surrogate babies, I finally have an answer to that question. Do I miss the baby? Yes. And no.

Yes, I miss the baby. Or rather I miss the idea of the baby. The smell of a newborn fresh from the bath. The feeling I get when a baby smiles at me for the first time. The feeling of utter peace that settles over me when I nurse a baby in the still of the night.

No, I don’t miss the baby. The utter exhaustion. The not being able to go anywhere without two bags, four totes and a plan of action. The utter lack of spontaneity in my life. My children are teenagers and the thought of starting over with a newborn causes me to experience something akin to a seizure.

For the first few weeks after I deliver a surrogate baby, my emotions run the gamut as I’m sure all surrogates emotions do. Hormones need to level out and readjust. My body needs to heal. All of the sudden I have gone from being a major player in an exciting, dramatic project to a bit player, and that takes a major adjustment. Because there is no baby at home, I find myself forgetting sometimes that I’m not pregnant. Once the hormones equalize and settle down, I can honestly say that I don’t miss the baby and I think most other surrogates feel the same way. What I do miss is the relationship with the parents. I have been incredibly lucky in that both sets of parents that I have carried for maintain a degree of contact with me. I get the pictures and emails and updates that make my heart swell with pride and love. But the relationship is different than when I was pregnant and I miss the degree of closeness we had. Lives move forward and I find that the surrogate pregnancy was just a moment in time.

So do I miss the baby? No. Do I miss that moment in time when I was pregnant with the baby? Yes. Do I miss the parents? Yes. Over time, those feelings subside and when I get pictures that are small outtakes of the life that I in a small way helped to create, the hole that is left by the ending of the surrogacy is more than filled. For when the surrogacy ends and the baby is passed from my arms to the arms of the parents that longed for him, a family is born.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Wow, wow, and wow

It has been a crazy few days in the surrogacy world. Crazy enough that even I, the beacon of niceness and ignoring the trolls, was forced to call out someone on the public surrogacy board I belong to. I mean, I consider myself pretty tolerant but this poor misguided soul was posting on hate websites asking to meet with KKK members. Now I'm sorry if you find this exclusionist, but KKK members cannot be surrogates if I have any say in the matter. Now I realize that this girl will just hide her past, clean up her mouth, and go find some IPs that don't know that googling your future surrogate is always a good idea, even if they are pre-screened by a reputable agency. And I guess it's fair to say that just because you're a white supremacist, doesn't mean you can't grow babies with the best of them. But I certainly wouldn't want you growing my baby. I don't know whether venom is passed in utero (although I can verify that sarcasm is) but that's a chance I wouldn't want to take. So for the sake of future surrogates, I am making my exclusionary list of traits that in my ideal world would keep you from being a surrogate. (What else am I going to post stupid ovaries are still in the "lets make babies" mode so I have no first person surrogacy news).
On to the list:

If you are _____________, then surrogacy is not for you.

1. a white supremacist
2. a black supremacist
3. only in it for the money
4. a four legged pigmy hippopotamus

That's it. See, I'm really not all that exclusionary. It's just that the KKK and white supremacists are so 1960's. Do they even make white sheets any more or do they hold their meetings in striped sheets?

UPDATE: She has been banned. Perhaps there is some justice in this world. And she was banned by a black moderator so there is definitely some karma in this world. All is good in my tiny corner again. Back to obsessing over when my hyperfertile ovaries will get the flipping hint....I want to make a baby from GAY men and they are not needed in the process so they should just shut the heck down already. I think they are insulted by the fact that they were concerned that at "gasp" the age of 39 my fertility might be declining.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Sick to my stomach

Some ladies that are very prominent in the surrogacy world have been basically selling babies and calling it surrogacy. It has the surrogacy world all aflutter. When I can calm down enough to post a more detailed and coherent account I will. For now, I will leave you with this link. It makes me ill. Surrogacy is beautiful. This was not surrogacy. It was not adoption. It was passing babies around for profit.

We have 3

3 what you ask?

3 fudge cookies?
3 bacon cheeseburgers?
3 armadillos?


3 frozen babies waiting on my recalcitrant ovaries to suppress so that we can thaw one at a time out and get this whole "rent-a-uterus" thing on the road. I am taking any and all "suppress already you damn stupid ovaries" prayers you have to offer.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

But do we have frozen embies?

Last post was entitled we have eggs, hence the title of this post. The guys were supposed to find out on Sunday if they had any embies to freeze. I am hoping that they have not sent me an email because they are on vacation. I always think the worst when I don't hear from someone when I expect to. So in my crazy mind I'm now thinking that the guys have dumped me because my stupid hyperfertile ovaries won't suppress. 50 days on Lupron now...8 of those on real Lupron. Still waiting on AF. Still waiting on news of embryos. Have not heard from first IF in a year. Surrogacy is such a wonderful thing but it makes me feel so vulnerable. I always feel as if I am wearing my heart on my sleeve when it comes to surrogacy and a part of me wants to end this part of my life so that I can go back to guarding my emotions and not feeling so "exposed". I feel exposed to people's misunderstandings and hatred of surrogacy. I feel exposed to people's hatred of gay men and their lifestyles. I feel exposed to doubt about my body and what it is (or in this case isn't) doing. I wish my body would suppress so that I could get out of this eternal limbo and move on. I have taken up jogging and zumba again because I felt the need to be doing something. I feel like I'm at a total standstill in so many aspects of my life. It's as if I've taken a huge breath in and am waiting to let it out. I want to move forward or move on. I want to get to the happy part of surrogacy (and yes I realize how bratty that sounds). Unfortunately there's no way to make my cycle start and until it does, in limbo I will remain.

Friday, August 5, 2011

We have eggs

They retrieved 16 eggs from the egg donor yesterday. 12 were mature. 9 of those fertilized and the other 3 appear to be "maybe" fertilizing.

As for me, I started the real Lupron last night. I am so worried now that my body is going to fail the guys. I just don't understand why it won't work this time. This is my sixth cycle and every time before I have suppressed easily and quickly. I pray that this real Lupron will do the trick.

On a non-surrogacy note, Joe was finally hired back at work today, after being laid off for ten weeks. I am so thrilled. I was really starting to worry but was trying to remain calm about it.

I have already worked 45 hours this week and have to go in again tomorrow (Saturday) to work some more. Things are a'hoppin in the ethanol industry.

I will be back with the official report on grades and such of embryos in a few days. If you are the praying type, pray for suppressed ovaries. Heaven knows I need them.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Ovulated again. Through the Lupron. Plan? Continue on Lupron. Excellent. If you want me I will be drowning myself in the bathtub. Check back in in another month when I will supposedly bleed again and get to return to the doctor and get the same results. No faith in my body. No faith in the Lupron. By that point I will have been on Lupron for over 70 days. I hate myself.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Why do I feel like crying

Got an email today from the Swedish guys. They have decided to have another child. And will be using another surrogate. Which makes perfect sense...I'm not available anyway and they thought I was retired. It's not like I've been rejected. And yet I feel....REJECTED. When I think of another surrogate bonding with them, my big green monster tries to come out big time. But in the end, I am mostly just thrilled for them. They fought back against cancer and won. They are secure in their family. And they want to add on. What a wonderful thing. So yeah, I am crying. But I'm smiling through those tears. I always knew that my life would move away from them as time went on and it has. Now they are really moving on and while it feels a bit sad for me, for them it is wonderful. A new baby will be around and new babies are delicious.