Thursday, August 11, 2011

But do we have frozen embies?

Last post was entitled we have eggs, hence the title of this post. The guys were supposed to find out on Sunday if they had any embies to freeze. I am hoping that they have not sent me an email because they are on vacation. I always think the worst when I don't hear from someone when I expect to. So in my crazy mind I'm now thinking that the guys have dumped me because my stupid hyperfertile ovaries won't suppress. 50 days on Lupron now...8 of those on real Lupron. Still waiting on AF. Still waiting on news of embryos. Have not heard from first IF in a year. Surrogacy is such a wonderful thing but it makes me feel so vulnerable. I always feel as if I am wearing my heart on my sleeve when it comes to surrogacy and a part of me wants to end this part of my life so that I can go back to guarding my emotions and not feeling so "exposed". I feel exposed to people's misunderstandings and hatred of surrogacy. I feel exposed to people's hatred of gay men and their lifestyles. I feel exposed to doubt about my body and what it is (or in this case isn't) doing. I wish my body would suppress so that I could get out of this eternal limbo and move on. I have taken up jogging and zumba again because I felt the need to be doing something. I feel like I'm at a total standstill in so many aspects of my life. It's as if I've taken a huge breath in and am waiting to let it out. I want to move forward or move on. I want to get to the happy part of surrogacy (and yes I realize how bratty that sounds). Unfortunately there's no way to make my cycle start and until it does, in limbo I will remain.

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