Sunday, December 30, 2012

Goodbye 2012, hello 2013

33 weeks pregnant today.  I saw the OB on Thursday and all was well.  I've had a strange rash for a week or so and was worried it might be PUPPS, which I've never had.  Thankfully it is simply my body's reaction to the strep and is starting to clear up.  Yay.  Otherwise I'm still healthy as a horse...bp was 102/64, weight gain was 23 pounds and urine was clear of protein and glucose.  Just chugging along.  We did go ahead and schedule the c-section so the guys could plan and buy plane tickets.  We got a date pretty close to my due date so hopefully the baby will be fully cooked by then and ready to come out.  I'm not at all thrilled at the thought of the spinal when not being in labor but hey, if I learned anything last time, it's that my preferences in labor don't really matter as long as we end up with a healthy baby and an alive surrogate at the end. 

It's that time of year...time to make New Year's Resolutions.  I guess I could say it is my resolution to move on from surrogacy but that is going to happen regardless of if I want it to or not (for the record...I want it to) so that's kind of cheating.  My typical one is to eat out less.  We still eat out way too frequently and there's really no reason for it.  I try to keep quick meals on hand for those nights we don't get home until 9pm or later (this happens more and more frequently lately) but I still get lazy and run through the drive through.  That has to stop.  Healthwise it is not good.  I also want to get back into exercising and run another 5K.  Since at this point I can hardly walk a mile without breathing heavy, courtesy of the cold and the Canadian, that should be an interesting one.  I guess my biggest resoultion would be to finally bite the bullet and do something about my work situation.  I have a plan for that and I know what I want and need to do...I just know how tremendously hard it will be to follow through with it.  Let's see if I grow some gonads between now and March because I can't go on the way I have been. 

The kids are all well.  The surrobubs are all well.  Life is good.  Resuming the holding pattern until mid February. 

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Time is slipping away

It suddenly hit me that in 8 weeks or less I will be done being pregnant forever.  In 8 weeks or less I will have helped to complete another family.  That will make six surrogate babies completing three families.  Six sets of grandparents who never thought they would be grandparents.  Five men who are fathers even when they were told that the odds of a gay man being a biological father were slim. 

It is a bittersweet feeling for me.  The pregnancy has flown and has been more good than bad.  I will miss the Canadian in the same way I miss Cletus, the ESB's and Fred and George (way too much to go into to explain the code names for the previous surrobabes).  I will miss being pregnant.  I will miss surrogacy, which has been such a huge part of my life for so many years.  I know it sounds cheesy but I honestly feel like surrogacy has been my way to make a difference in the world.  Now, in addition to the usual "what now" feelings that follow any surrogacy, there will be a huge "what now" as in "what do I do to feel relevant now that surrogacy is gone".  Now don't get me wrong...I know I am's just that surrogacy has been such a huge part of my life.  Moving on from it is scary in a way, just like any major change in life is scary. 

However life goes on.  There are new adventures to be had, vacations to take that don't revolve around embryo transfers, new job adventures to pursue now that I won't be tied to my job for the awesome "no surrogacy exclusion" insurance.  We have five children we are anxious to watch complete their journey's to adulthood and two grandchildren that are starting on theirs. 

As I said, it's bittersweet.  I don't want to let go of this time in my life but I know I must and I know that once I get through the next few weeks I will be ready for the change.  It is easier this time than with Aurora...I'm not hoping for a VBAC, I am ok with a scheduled c-section (though not before 39 or 40 weeks...sorry docs my body takes the whole 40 weeks to bake babies for some reason).  The guys are not coming in until 39 weeks or the scheduled section date because they are only a few hours away by plane instead of a 20 hour flight.  I won't be a watched kettle this time. 

So here's to endings and new new life and to the closing of one door leading to the opening of another. 

Friday, December 21, 2012

My kingdom for a new pair of lungs

On Tuesday evening the Canadian and I came down with a cold.  So when you have a cold you muddle through and drink fluids and drink chicken noodle soup.  Wednesday we went to work and my coworker got sick.  She wound up in the hospital that night for diverticulitis.  She is still there.  Thursday rolls around and I am at work and, no exaggeration, I thought I was dying.  Could not take a deep breath.  Coughing up blood.  Literally just sicker than I have ever been in my life.  And we were having a blizzard.  So I finally left work at 1pm (please note that this is the first time in 5 1/2 years I have ever left work early for illness) and finally made it home around 2pm after the blizzard commute from hell.  I got in bed and was just miserable.  I called the hubster and asked him to come home from work to take care of me (something I have never done in 10 years of marriage...even after the c-sections he goes back to work the next day).  Anywho I finally gave up Thursday night and went to urgent care.  Diagnosis?  Influenza B, pnuemonia, ear infection and strep. that explains a tiny of bit of why I felt so bad.  Of couse Friday I had to go back to coworker is still in the hospital.  I think I have finally turned the corner, or at least I hope I have.  My chest still feels like an elephant is sitting on it and my lungs are on fire but I felt 100 times better than yesterday. 

Here's to getting better and here's to them figuring out how to fix my coworker. 

Friday, December 7, 2012


I spent all day today shopping with my husband.  We got all the X-mas shopping done and as we were driving home I realized how utterly exhaused I am by my life right now.  I indulged in a bit of self pity and was frankly wallowing and then I read this:

It brought back the day that I had the ultrasound with Samantha and was told she would die shortly after birth.  It made me realize how good my life is and how bad it could be.  It made me ashamed of my wallowing.  And it made me hurt so badly for Bernadette.  No one should lose a child.  But even worse, no one should know ahead of time they will lose a child.  It is excrutiating.  It is wrong.  It leaves you broken and even if it has been more than 17 years since my own personal broken moment, I remember it well.  I'm so sorry Bernadette.  I wish things could be different. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Ramblings from the 3rd trimester

Wow...we are in the home stretch of this pregnancy and it is just flying.  I finally have another OB appt next week.  I won't confess how long it's been since I've seen the OB but suffice it to say it's been awhile.  I kept hoping my OB would come back from maternity leave and I wouldn't have to see her parter but no such luck.  Let's hope he is nice.  Even if he isn't, the appointments last all of 2 minutes. 

The pregnancy is going well.  I have gained too much weight but oh well.  It will all come off after and since this is the last time I will be pregnant I will have forever to lose the weight and get back in shape. 

On a somewhat pregnancy related note, we had open enrollment for benefits at work yesterday.  For several years now we have gone with a health insurance plan that has an 8,000 dollar deductible.  It still cost me an arm and a leg in premiums but was more affordable than the other option with a 1500 dollar deductible.  With the impending birth, I switched to the 1,500 dollar deductible so that our out of pocket costs for the birth will be lower.  The end result is I will save the guys 5,600 dollars in out of pocket medical expenses while costing myself 2,400 dollars in additional premiums, so a win for them and a loss for me but every time I would hover my mouse over the 8,000 dollar deductible plan, I just couldn't make myself do that to them.  That is a lot of extra money and while I get that one of them is a doctor and the other is an engineer, I simply didn't have it in me to cost them extra just to save myself some money.  I think it was the right decision. 

Plans for the future are being set in place daily.  I always have to have a plan after a surrogacy...something to take up my time and combat the "what now?" feelings that swamp me after the birth.  This time is my final surrogacy so my "what now?" plan is pretty ambitious.  I'm excited and nervous but committed (I think?).  It involves an enormous leap of faith and changing something that has been a part of my life for almost six years.  I'm terrified but it's honestly the first choice I have made for myself in a LONG time.  As time gets closer and details are fleshed out I will reveal more but for now I will simply say I am excited about my future endeavors. 

Kids are doing well.  Boy #2 has started basketball.  He does not get much playing time with the varsity but he has played in both games so far and actually scored in the first game.  Next week starts the JV season so at least he will get to play more since he's a JV starter.  He's had a tough road as the only freshman on varsity...lots of hazing and such but he's hanging in there.  The coaching style is much different also and he's getting yelled at A LOT but as I said, he's hanging in there.  We are also getting many phone calls trying to get him to play football.  I have a serious issue with any sport where someone is trying to break my child but I told him we could talk about it.  Grrrr. 

Boy #3 is bowling again right now.  He hates bowling so I'm not sure what's going on with that.  Maybe he likes to bowl now, maybe he just likes having something to do, maybe there is a girl involved?  If he's happy I'm happy. 

And that's about it.  I'm in this weird limbo state, committed to all my current activities but waiting for this major change in February.  I am so ready for a change.  I counted it up and between my lab job and my typing, I worked 83 hours in the last 7 days.  And went to two out of town basketball games.  All while 7 months pregnant.  Yikes. 

Better get up and get busy.  Lab today to train other staff and then lots of typing.  Less than 80 days until the arrival of the Canadian.  :)