Saturday, June 30, 2012

Continuing Along in my TMI vein

Yesterday I passed a large clot.  After dissection (hey I said in the title TMI...if you are still reading, that's on you) I decided there was no baby in it.  Bleeding remained heavy for awhile but has slowed significantly now and is just brown blood not red.  This is the first slowing since Tuesday.  I am hopeful that we are going to catch a break here.  Maybe....

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.  You know how I said that I had quit my job.  Well not 3 days after giving my notice, my coworker got very ill and they asked me to stay on for a bit longer.  Of course I agreed.  I have no issues there, I just have a way to work at home.  So I've still been doing two jobs, while pregnant, and now bleeding.  I am TIRED.  Things are calming down now though.  I finally have an "ABSOLUTELY THE LAST DAY I WILL WORK" day for my lab job and it's in less than a month.  I am finally getting some more sleep.  The bleeding is slowing down (for now...from reading it seems like most SCH's bleed for many weeks, on an off).  And best of all, we are going on vacation in less than a week. 

Looking forward to the very near future when I will wake up, take a leisurely walk, type for a bit, clean house, type for a bit, etc.  Hubster is settled back into his job and is content to work there full time forever so my options are definitely opening up.  I see my little bakery in the very near future, with typing to pay the bills while I wait to get famous off my cupcakes.  :)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

A positive spin on things?

In general  I try to be a positive person.  No matter what life throws my way I try to see it in a positive light.  So this whole bleeding thing...I'm trying.  This time I started bleeding on Tuesday I think and I've bled steadily since. Sometimes heavy, sometimes light.  Sometimes horrible cramps, sometimes light.  Always bright red blood.  I no longer assume that this means there's a baby falling out of me but no matter how many people tell me their stories about SCH, my brain just keeps screaming...


I have no restrictions, in fact the clinic acts as if nothing is wrong. Hmmm. They were very upbeat and positive with the guys so I will be too. No one seems to even want to hear that I'm bleeding so I won't tell them anymore (or still).

In the pic below the small sac is the baby and the large sac is the bleed.  Yeah, that totally looks normal and positive and upbeat. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The fat lady is in a holding pattern

We have a baby.  We also have a sch which is larger than the gestational sac.  The larger the SCH, the more dangerous it is to the pregnancy.  So for right now there's a baby but we were told to be cautiously optimistic.  I am still bleeding but looking at the size of the sch I guess I can expect that.  Now another 3 week wait for the next ultrasound but at least we are reassured that things are ok for this moment. 

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Fat Lady Auditions in Aisle 3

So today brought more cramping and more bleeding.  We have managed to talk our way into an emergency ultrasound sooner than Monday so at least we will know something.  I am tired of bleeding to death.  My guys are tired of waiting and wondering.  Tomorrow we will know something, maybe. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Good news?

Well the swiss army knife of pregnancy tests (as my IFs refer to it) has not arrived yet...probably because I ordered it yesterday.  But I did take another FRER and the test line is so dark that it stole almost all the dye and there's hardly a control light at all.  So I'm hoping that's a good sign.  It seems noticeably darker to me than the one I took a week ago right after the bleed but I guess we'll see.

On to the really good news. 
Hubster got a full time job.  With benefits.  And it's a job he likes and we know he can do and keep.  Hallelujah. 

Saturday, June 23, 2012


This whole not knowing if there is a baby or two or none or a pomeranian or a hedge hog residing in me is intolerable.  This whole continuing on with shots and meds when more likely than not I miscarried six days ago is intolerable.  This whole wait until seven weeks for an ultrasound when we all know that at 5 weeks we could see a gestational sac and get some reassurance and at 5w6d we might even see a fetal pole is intolerable. 

And if it's this intolerable for me, I can't imagine how it must be for the guys.  This is their child we're talking about here.  I have never thought CFA to be insensitive but in this situation, I think they are being insensitve to my guys.  For some reason they seem to be thinking spotting while I am talking murder scene/blood trail bleeding. 

Oh well.  11 days to go.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Well that can't be a good sign

So last night as I was sitting in bed getting ready to lay down I started getting menstrual cramps.  Sort of on auto pilot I headed to the bathroom to get a pad when it struck me, "Hey are supposed to be pregnant.  This is not good."  Neither was the ensuing bleeding and cramping.  These were not "meh" cramps either, these were "oh God now how does that Lamaze stuff go" cramps.  So I get up this morning and I'm still bleeding though nowhere near as heavily.  I e-mailed my IFs (I was going to wait if the bleeding had stopped but since it hadn't I felt they should be in the loop) and then went for my already scheduled bloodwork.  While there I tried to finagle an ultrasound but no go since the clinic had not ordered one.  Bummer.  So for the next two weeks we get to wonder if:

(1) I have had a miscarriage and there's nothing in there at all
(2) I was preggo with twins and one miscarried, leaving me preggo with one
(3) I have a sch

Two weeks.  Two weeks.  My IFs are pulling their hair out.  I'm going to go drown myself in a vat of boiling oil. 

So what do I think?  I don't know what to think.  It was a lot of blood.  And clots.  And (TMI...sorry) slimy stuff.  I don't see how there could still be a baby in there. 

Beta was 5033 at 18dp5dt.  But if i just miscarried last night it would still be high. 

I am exhausted by this process this time and feel horrible for my guys. 

Monday, June 18, 2012

And I thought KKK girl was bad

So do you remember a year or so ago when the girl who had ties to the KKK and other white supremacy groups wanted to be a surrogate?  Yeah sorry hun you can't be a member of a hate group and be a surrogate.  Well today we have a new one.  This girl could not stay away from drugs even long enough to go to her medical screening and yet really thinks the agency and her IPs should just ignore that pesky positive and let her carry on.  She seems pretty upset that her current plan for a paycheck is going up in smoke. 

1.  You cannot be a surrogate is you use drugs.  I would go so far as to say if you have EVER used drugs you can't be a surrogate but then I hate all drugs and alcohol and cigarettes for that matter so I may be a bit strict on that.  But you sure can't have used recently. 

2.  Surrogacy is no guarantee of money.  I don't know how many times I have said this and yet people always come back to the money.  Let me give an example.  I have been matched with my current IFs for 16 months.  I have given myself approximately 320 shots in that 16 months, some subcutaneous, some intramuscularly.  I have traveled to the east coast four times, missing work and using my vacation each time.  I have made...wait for it...$0.  Because you see, until there's proof there's a baby (and the only proof is an ultrasound) then you don't get any money.  It's the way it should be.  I like it that way.  But if you are in surrogacy for the money, you will learn very very quickly that that is not a good reason to be in surrogacy. 

3.  The best surrogates are those that have a life outside of surrogacy.  If you are existing only for surrogacy, then when the ups and downs come along (and trust me...every surrogacy has ups and downs) you will be less able to deal with them.  That's not to say that surrogacy should not be your main focus at  certain times, you should just make sure you don't lose the "you" while making a family for others. 

That's all I have.  Surrogacy is pretty simple actually.  If you want to help someone, and you have a good heart, and you can handle disappointment, and you don't need the money, and you aren't crazy or an addict or a member of the KKK, you will be a great surrogate.  Simple huh? 

Saturday, June 16, 2012


My grandfather passed away this morning.  We were not very close but I feel badly for my mother and aunts, who lost their last parent and for my sister, who was much closer to him.  He was a great guy, very mechanically inclined, who could fix anything.  He played guitar by sound and picked up and learned to play the violin at age 90.  He lost his wife of 60 years three years ago and fell apart and put himself back together.  He was an amzing man.  He was my last grandparent.  I am glad he's not in pain and has been set free from the body that was failing him. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

2nd beta

Is 840.  Yay.  That's right in line with my singleton betas with Aurora.  Third beta will be next week and then the ultrasound and some future, as yet determined date. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Pre-second beta FRER

Because you know that once you start testing you can't stop.  Yes the line is darker than the control line.  Squee.  The Canadian is settling in. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

First beta

At 10dp5dt was 296.  For me that's a nice sane singleton number.  Saying a prayer of thanks.  :)

Sunday, June 10, 2012


Those cricket noises in surrogacy land?  They have been replaced by this. 

The hubster found a's just temporary but who cares.

Boy #2 is traveling with the varsity team and although he doesn't get a lot of minutes, he does get to play which as an incoming freshman is all you can expect.  He also grew another inch or so and can actually dunk the ball now. 

So to sum is good right now.  After a year of being matched, three transfers, four trips east, numerous airport fiascos, and enough Lupron to stun a wildabeast...the Candian's are going to have baby. 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Very exciting

Very exciting news on several fronts is headed to the blogoshpere.  Stay tuned. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Too much time

When I have that rare aligning of the stars that allows me to have too much time on my hands, I'm a horrible internet browser.  I'll click on anything (well not is not my thing and neither is torture or anything to do with spiders or child abuse) but other than that, I'm game.  So today I started at one blog, clicked on another, linked to another, and somehow found myself far from where I started, reading the blog of a mother who has lost her twins at 20 weeks.  The entire blog is wonderful (well not wonderful but real and painful) and she gets what losing a child is like but I wish she didn't, I wish no one else knew what that felt like.  The post below has me in tears.  It makes me sad for all the pain she has endured and the pain she will endure.  It makes me sad for me and all other mothers who will lose a child.  Samantha would be 17 next month.