Friday, December 31, 2010

T minus 5 days until

DEATH.

Well that may be just a smidge melodramatic. Actually it is T-minus 5 days until the expected arrival of P90X. I have some massive tonnage to lose if I'm going to convince Dr. D and Circle to let my geriatric uterus carry again.....I mean I have some massive tonnage to lose to get down to my prepregnancy weight so I can go about my normal, non-pregnant life. But wait......normal is no longer not-pregnant for me is it? Normal is pregnant with gay mens babies. And for those of you that say I should get a hobby....what the heck would you say if I confessed that helping make families is my hobby. Egads. I have truly become one of those women who don't know how to give up surrogacy.

All kidding aside, however, I do think I am done being a surrogate and I am looking forward to regaining my upper abs. I have always somewhat known that the lower abs are beyond the point of redemption and kind of thought I might instead like to take the pansy way out and get a tummy tuck. That is until a cyber friend had a tummy tuck and had MAJOR complications. No thanks. I will stick with exercise, less chocolate (don't even try to say no chocolate to me people), and a four pack with my c-section shelf conveniently below it. But I digress. I was waxing poetic about my imminent death.

Let me tell you what I know about p90x. Another cyberfriend tells me that p90x makes her incredibly sore. This statement does not sound so scary until you know that this same friend runs marathons as her hobby. Hmmm. I may be in a bit of trouble here. In fact, I may be on the verge of death. See, I am not in shape AT ALL. I thought I remained active throughout the pregnancy with the ESS but it turns out I did a heck of alot of sitting upon my ever expanding arse. Great. Turns out walking slowly does not keep you in shape. Neither does working alot of hours. Ixnay on the whining (which I think should count as cardio personally). So I have four days to get instantly fit. I thought of ordering some "fit in a bottle" magic formula but decided that would take too much effort so I settled for walking daily on my treadmill. I tried running (aka plodding in a slothlike manner) one day but almost put an eye out with the "boobs of death".

What, I haven't mentioned the boobs of death yet? Well let me just say that when you get fat and old and then have a shit load of babies, you develop boobs of death. Immediately postpartum they are even more dangerous because they are full of milk. They hang down (when not full of milk, think tube sock.....I could probably roll these puppies up) and just keep getting longer instead of bigger. Sexy, huh? I have my husband convinced they are HOT. How did I manage to convince him of this? Well once a year I buy him the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and then photshop tube socks in in place of all the women's breasts. He thinks he's sleeping with an up and coming swimsuit model and is the luckiest man on Earth. And yes, I photo-shop in some cellulite also. I can use any help I can get. After all, I have delivered 8 babies now.

So this is my last weekend of being able to sit down without screaming in pain from sore leg muscles. I am celebrating by eating my weight in chocolate on a daily basis. I will keep the cyber world updated on my progress through p90x. If nothing else you can help me pick out a coffin fit for a swimsuit model.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

So

Found out today while tooling around the internet that my agency does not accept surros who have had more than two c-sections. Guess that means I am retired, huh? Part of me says boo hoo but most of me says yay. I'm done. I can get skinny and stay that way. Longer post coming soon. Off to work right now.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

What a difference a week makes

**Emotionally I am 100% fine now. I have seen and held Aurora at least ten times and I am okay with it every time I see her. Joe, on the other hand, cries every time he sees Aurora. Very strange. I think we both bonded with this baby alot more than with any of the previous surrogate babies. I also think Joe also really wants another baby like I do. We are not going to have another baby...that time in our life is over. But it is something we both would do if we were younger.

**Physically i am feeling alot better. I would say that I'm at about 85%. I still have that horrible burning sensation at times but it is getting less frequent. I have lost 20 pounds and the weight is now coming off VERY slowly. I have 13 pounds to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I am hoping to continue to lose a pound a week and thus be back to "normal" in 3 months or so. We shall see if that happens or not. Last time it took me over a year to lose all the weight. Working out will help and it's something I need to do but I'm having trouble finding the motivation.

**Getting really annoyed with having to constantly do paperwork for Aurora. First I had to go to court (missing a day of work). Then I had to go apply for her SS# (missing half a day of work). Now on Monday I have to go to get her passport (missing half a day of work if not more). It's really flipping annoying but it has to be done since Lars-Ove is her biological father and he is not here. Hopefully after tomorrow all the paperwork is done because they are going home Thursday after having to change their flight from Wednesday.

**Feeling the desire to carry again but when I think of the logistics, the desire goes away very quickly. I DO NOT want to think of finding another family and I DO NOT want to think of starting the process over again. So yeah, as of right now, I am done. Ask me again in six months.

**6 days until Xmas and I finally finished shopping and wrapping and such.

**Boy #2 had an awesome basketball game a week or so ago. Scored 27 points. Hit a 3 pointer to tie the game and send it into overtime with 17 seconds left. Wow.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Working out

Yeah....I think I'm ready for a bit of working out. I will start with walking and then progress from there depending on how I feel. I am hoping I feel great.

My steri=strips came off yesterday and the skin underneath looks burned. Guess I am allergic to the adhesive in the steri strips. So now it itches and is bright red and bumpy. Glorious. If that is my only c-section complaint then I guess I got off lucky though.

We had a wonderful lunch today with Lennart and Aurora. When we got back to the car after, Joe cried. He finally "gets" surrogacy. It is so nice to be married to someone who can understand why I feel so drawn to being a surrogate. It has never had anything to do with the money....it has always been about helping others to have the joy of children and a family. I wondered sometimes if Joe would ever really understand that part of me and it is so nice that he finally does.

So I continue to move onward from the sadness of this surrogacy. I am going to start stretching my pumping out so that insted of pumping every 3 hours I will go to every 4 and then every 5. I should be done pumping in two weeks or so if I do that which would be the goal. Lennart will only pick up milk one more time, next Saturday, and then not again so it would be ideal if I could be dried up by Saturday but I don't think that is likely. I will miss the pumping because of the amount I get to eat when I pump but it will be nice to have my body back completely to myself for the first time in a long time.

Am I done being a surrogate? I don't honestly know. I will see how my body heals and see what my heart says. If you were to ask me right now, I would say yes, I am done being a surrogate. But who knows what tomorrow holds.

Friday, December 10, 2010

8 days postpartum

And I am not sad. Tired, yes. Exhausted, check. But not sad. Thank heavens.

I survived my first week back at work and though I'm tired, I know that I can survive another. I think in another week, if the horrible burning/stabbing feeling is gone, I can start walking and ease back into working out.

I weighed this morning and I weigh 150 pounds. I started out at 135 and was 168 when I went into labor so 18 pounds down, 15 to go. I look best at 125 but I feel best at 135 so 135 is the goal. The belly is shrinking and I now look only about 5 months preggo. And my wedding rings fit again...yay. I can't wait to tone things up a bit but I need to take it slow since I'm already asking my body to heal from pregnancy, heal from surgery, make milk, and work 40 hours a week. Abs of steel will have to wait.

I am still working my way through the "what now". Part of me says "surrogacy" is the next step since I know my RE will approve you with 3 c-sections. But another part of me says surrogacy is not the answer and that I will never be ready to retire so I should just stop now while I'm ahead. There are five babies and two new families in this world because of my desire to be a surrogate and I should be happy with that. I knew the surrogacy cravings would come on as soon as the sadness went away but I have committed to making no decisions for the near future.

So for right now I am just riding each day out. I fall into an exhausted sleep each night and only wake at 5am when my boobs tell me it is time to pump. I am babying myself as much as I can...taking my vitamins, drinking a ton of water, and eating healthy.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A work in progress

So I am actually off of work today. Had to go to court this morning to sign the adoption paperwork for Aurora and had to be off this afternoon so we could finally take delivery of our new couch (after 2 weeks of having nothing to sit on in the living room). So I took the whole day off after only working 2 days. I'm a bum. I'm laying here and I should get up and clean or bake or something but the house is quiet and I am snuggled in a warm cocoon of blankets and I just can't seem to make myself move. I find that my mornings are very good emotionally. As the day wears on and I get tired, I get sad but I realize that it is just a result of being so tired. Going back to work so soon was probably not my brightest idea but now that I've done it, I'm stuck. I see a nap in my future this afternoon once the furniture comes and the boys get home from school.

So how am I? That is the big question right? How am I? I am about as good as can be expected.

Physically: my c-section scar burn horribly on one side. It is a burning/stabbing pain that comes and goes throughout the day. It sucks but at least it is just one section of the scar, right? I am hoping the pain subsides over time but so far it is just as painful as it was the first day. I take about 4 200mg ibuprofen a day to deal with the pain which, in the grand scheme of things, is not much. I still tire easily and can't wait for another week or so to go by so that I can feel alot better physically.

Emotionally: I feel great about this journey but I do miss the baby sometimes. I knew that if it was a daughter I would miss her more since I never had a daughter of my own (yes I have two step-daughters but their loyalty is to their mom...as it should be. I would love to have had a daughter all my own). And no, that does not mean I want Aurora...she just represents something that I have always longed for. I am still pumping every 3 hours (not at night though) for her and I know that the final emotional "healing" will not happen until she goes home and I stop pumping. That will happen in 2 weeks.

I am working my way through the "what now" emotions that come after surrogacy. I don't ever know if I'm supposed to go back to who I was before I got pregnant (do I even remember who I was before I got pregnant?) or become a new me. If I am supposed to be a new me then who is the new me? If I'm supposed to be the old me, then who is the old me? It is just a very confusing time and though I recognize these feelings and emotions, they are the part I like least about surrogacy. Oh how much easier it would be if I could simply be the "uterine whore" that others think surrogates are. Wouldn't it be nice to simply pop out a baby and go back to life as usual. Yeah....I could get used to that. But alas it does not work that way. These emotions and physical adjustments are all a part of the process and must be worked through. Yuck.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Back to work

I went back to work today and I feel so much better. Laying around is so not me. It gives me too much time to think and mope and be sad. I was really tired by the end of the day (not to mention that I had to then run the scorebook at boy #2's basketball game) and am very ready to go to bed now but I felt more like myself today.

Our court date has already been set for this week if you can believe it. It is a painless process of signing papers in front of the judge and in return I get to see Aurora and Lennart so yay.

I'm off to soak in the bath (yes, I take tub baths right after a c-section....I know, I know) before putting the kids to bed. Tomorrow is another day of work and then another basketball game. Joy.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

NO NO NO NO NO

Just wrote an incredibly long post which blogger ate. Let me sum it up for ya:

1. Have gotten past sad and am now mired in "what now?"
2. Have a strong desire to be a surrogate again and am screaming NO NO NO to myself.
3. Want to quit my job but I am trying to be mature and am screaming NO NO NO to myself.
4. Pumping. Ouch.
5. Need to learn patience. Not good at patience.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Hormones have calmed down. I have slept a bit. And here come those damn cravings to do it again. For the love of GOD, NO!!!!! I don't want to do this again. I don't want the emotional pain or the physical pain. But how do you tell your heart no? Well darn it I'm going to learn this time.

I was awake 2 hours last night trying to decide how on Earth to get rid of these cravings? I am out of sorts. I don't want to return to my mindless job. But I realize that every job is mindless and hey, at least I make 15 dollars an hour at my mindless job as opposed to the average 9 dollars an hour that most people make at their mindless jobs around here.

So as you can tell, we've hit the "What now" phase of surrogacy "recovery". It's been over a year since this journey started and I can't remember who I was and what I did before I got pregnant. It takes time to either remember who I was back then or to find the new me. I am anxious to work out and start to not feel like a fat dumpling but there's the minor issue that I just had major abdominal surgery. I never lose a ton of weight at delivery and so I still weigh 154 pounds. Ugh. That means I have at least 20 pounds left to lose. I was 168 when I went in for delivery so yeah, I have lost a whole whopping 14 pounds in 3 days. I hate those women who lose all the weight in a week.

So I will leave you before my mindless drivel drives us all to slit our wrists. I am sure I will figure out the "what now?" and that the answer won't be another surrogacy or unemployment. I just need to give myself time. Did I mention that patience is not one of my strong suits?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Home

Came home 27 hours post c-section. Emotions are running wild as are the hormones. I hate this part of surrogacy and know from experience that the next two weeks will suck and the only way to get through is to get through it.

In addition to the normal hormones, there's the fact that I know I will never be preggo again and never be a surrogate again and those things make me sad. I wish I had discovered surrogacy years ago when I was younger and I wish I had not had 3 c-sections. But it is what it is.

Not sure what life holds for me now. I would really like to quit my job but I will hold off on making that decision for a few weeks....I never make decisions too quickly post surrogacy because it is the hormones talking and not me.

I feel strange and out of sorts and cranky and sad and proud and 100 other things all rolled into one. I kept Aurora in the room with me last night and it was really neat to snuggle her and change her diaper and nurse her. It helped me immensely to have that time alone with her and on the other hand, bonded me even more to her and made it incredibly hard to walk away today without crying.

Anxious to get back to work and get back into my new normal but my body is tired and only one day post surgery so I will have to take it slow. I have not had any pain meds since the surgery and I am feeling that.

Off to bed to get some sleep. Have not slept in 42 hours and that is part of the emotions I am sure.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Cletus

is now known as Aurora. She was born on 12/2/10 weighing 7lb11oz. I will do a birth story later but for now I will say that after 10 hours of hard labor, contractions 3 minutes apart, back labor, and a hell of alot of pain, I was still dilated to a, wait for it, 0. Yikes. Those last few hours of labor were unbearable. My longest labor before this one had been 5 hours or so, so I was completely unprepared to labor so hard and so long and to make no progress. I am proud that I survived all of those hours without any pain meds. The end result was a c-section due to failure to dilate. Baby is healthy and so am I. I just got up and walked a bit and I am 11 hours post surgery. Will probably go home tomorrow and back to work on Monday if I feel well.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

T minus

61 hours until the baby comes, one way or another. Pumping is still not working and neither is anything else so I have stopped everything and am just enjoying my last few days with Cletus. I am sad to have a c-section but at this point I know the baby must be mal-positioned since I'm not dilating at all. I have always been at least dilated to a 3 by this point in the past. I feel very strongly that the baby is posterior and has a huge head and all the yoga in the world is not turning him. Oh well. The point of surrogacy is for the parents to get a baby and in 61 hours I get to give them just that.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Bleeding nipples


Yep...so I pumped so much yesterday that my nipples are bleeding today. During the pumping my contractions were two minutes apart. As soon as I stopped they would space out. I checked my cervix after all the activity and NOTHING. Still stubbornly posterior and closed. I guess I should just keep trying the positioning exercises to get him to turn from posterior and resign myself to another week of working (hey only four days of working since day 5 will bring major abdominal surgery complete with painkillers that I hate and the resultant constipation and swelling that make me miserable for weeks on end). Running away to Alaska is starting to seem like a brilliant plan.


So this is my last week to be pregnant ever. I had always pondered doing one more after this time but I can't imagine it now. After three c-sections who would want me? And I can't imagine starting over, finding a new family to help, etc. So this is my grand hurrah. I will miss pregnancy immensely. And I will miss how special surrogacy makes me feel. But the time has come to embrace my gray hair and my teenage kids. The time has come to stop growing families for others and concentrate on my own family. And the time has come to halt the spreading of the arse and bring about the shrinking of the arse.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

NO NO NO....

Okay....I have reached the end of my rope. I am thrilled that Cletus is healthy. I am thrilled that I am healthy. I am thrilled that I worked the whole entire way through a full term pregnancy and only took half of one day off. I do understand how blessed I am. But I am going to whine for a sec here:

1. Wanted a homebirth. Sorry....not gonna happen.
2. Wanted a midwife. Sorry...not gonna happen.
3. Wanted to deliver at the local hospital so I could labor almost completely at home. Sorry...not gonna happen.
4. Wanted to go into labor right after Lennart got here so I could avoid feeling like a watched pot that was inconveniencing him. He's been here two weeks. Sorry...not gonna happen.
5. Wanted to get stripped at 38 and 40 weeks. Not dilated at all. Sorry not gonna happen.
6. Wanted to labor alone and then call Lennart at the end. Since we are all meeting ath the hospital at 7 am to either have my water broken or have a c-section....sorry not gonna happen.

7.WANT A VBAC.

Can I please have number 7? Hey, can I at least just go into labor on my own so that even if I have a c-section, I know that Cletus is ready to come out? Please.

I am doing okay. I have resigned myself to the section because after two weeks of doing everything on the "self induction" checklist daily, my cervix is still stubbornly closed. I think I might even be able to make myself sit on the table and endure the placing of the epidural even though just the thought gives me a panic attack. I can do this. I signed a contract and I will do this. But I sure as hell don't want to do this.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Due today

Cletus, however, did not get the memo. Worked all day. No contractions. No show. Sigh.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Due tomorrow

So I went to the OB yesterday. Lennart went with me. Our hope was that she could check me, strip my membranes, and send me into labor. We are creatures of hope. Fruitless hope it turns out.

She checked me. I was 39w5d. This is my SIXTH pregnancy. I stand over 40 hours a week at my job. How dilated was I? None. Nada. She couldn't even get one skinny digit inside my cervix. Sigh. Cletus is a stubborn, stubborn, baby.

Then she says, "Well if you really want to have YOUR BABY today we can do a c-section." Lennart got all excited and I had to shoot him down. I am not doing a voluntary repeat c-section when I am not even due yet. AND IT'S NOT MY BABY LADY.

So we decided that on 12/3, when I will be 41 weeks preggo, we will check into the hospital. If I am dilated at all, they will break my water and try to throw me into labor. If I am not, they will section me. Joy. Cletus has 8 days to evacuate on his own. Either way, in 8 days this journey is over. I am praying to go into labor on my own before that but so far, it is not looking likely.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Come on....please?

Unlike alot of surrogates, I don't particularly enjoy the end of surrogacy. Now don't get me wrong....I love handing the baby to the parents and seeing their joy. I love sitting back and watching the parents fall in love with their child. I love getting to go home and sleep through the night. I enjoy getting my body back.

So what is it I don't like? I don't like the emotions. I hate the crash of hormones. I hate the emotional ups and downs. I hate pretending that all is "hunky dorey" in my world. I hate the way I can't ever find a moment of peace, by myself to cry when I need to. I hate how everyone watches me to see if I am ok. Well frankly I am ok but I'm not. I do get attached to the baby and I do miss it. I miss feeling like I'm part of something bigger. No, that doesn't mean I want to keep the baby. But I am not one of those lucky surrogates who can just say, "here's your baby" and walk away with no emotional "fallout". It hurts for awhile. I am sad for awhile. Then the hormones calm down and I am fine. The whole process takes anywhere from two weeks to a month.

So anywho, here I sit, incredibly pregnant, and emotionally ready for what I know is to come. And the baby won't seem to come. Yes, I get that I am still five days from my due date. But I am ready and sitting here, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop is really hard for me. Everytime I get up at night to go to the bathroom, I find myself begging and pleading with God to let me go into labor. I just want to get started on this next part so that I can get through it. Yes, I will miss the baby and the dads but I am ready.

So come on....please?

Geared up for another week

Well there are no signs of anything happening in the ole uterus so I am gearing up for another week at work. Monday I have to do mycotoxin testing which takes a few hours and will make that day go fast. Tuesday I have a very important meeting and I have to sign up for benefits for next year. Plus that night boy #2 has a basketball game.

So the next "window of opportunity" for Cletus begins Tuesday evening and ends next Sunday morning. Maybe he/she will come during that period of time? Maybe. In another week I'm going to throw away my whole "window of opportunity" thing and just start telling the kid to get out. 39w2d today so he/she still has time. I know that at 41 weeks the docs are going to start wanting to get aggressive (aka induction or c-section) and I am really hoping Cletus comes before then. We shall see I guess.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Shopping, Red Lobster, and Walking....oh my

Meeting Lennart today for an early dinner at Red Lobster. I adore Red Lobster and thankfully, so does Cletus. You see Cletus and I have had a few arguments this pregnancy about food. A few times I have insisted, and gone ahead and eaten a non-Cletus-approved food. In those few cases, Cletus has come out the victor. At this point, I am mostly eating cereal, fruit, veggies, and rice because that is all he says he will put up with. So rather than argue, I pick my battles and remain thankful that crab legs are tolerated by my resident parasite.

Boy #2 has a parade today and then we are off to Columbia. We will shop until we drop (darn kids outgrew their clothes AGAIN), eat until we are stuffed, and then shop some more. We also plan alot of walking today. Maybe, maybe, maybe, I will get a few contractions (stop laughing at me).

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bullet points

** I just realized that one of the blogs I follow is the surro who delivered for Neil Patrick Harris. Strange. Color me oblivious. I can't imagine carrying for a celebrity...I would rather eat poo. I like my privacy.

** My OB cancelled my appointment today. Again.

** I am 39 weeks tomorrow.

** The check stub I got today for the past two weeks had 92 hours on it. Yeah. 46 hours a week while this preggo. Go me.

** Starting to get a few BH contractions but not a ton. I don't feel like the baby has dropped and I don't see much happening with my cervix until he/she does drop. I checked my cervix in the bath tonight because it finally was low enough for me to find. It is completely closed. Hmmmm.

** I have decided to let the OB break my water on 12/3 to try to send me into labor. If that doesn't work I will consent to a section. Lennart is here and waiting and at that point I will be 41 weeks. He needs to be able to start his paperwork to get the baby back to Sweden. And he needs to be home with Lars-Ove and the twins by Xmas.

** Constipation is my only pregnancy complaint. Not sexy but it is what it is. I am literally full of poo. Gross. Maybe that is what is keeping the baby from dropping?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Not yet Cletus

Because you know that you can schedule when a baby comes, right? So I'm telling this one not for a few days (not that I have any signs that his/her arrival is imminent). The next few days are crazy. Monday and Tuesday are always our busiest days at work. I am finishing up a few studies and want to get those done before he comes. Plus boy #2 has 3 basketball games this week and boy #3 has tae-kwon do twice this week. Not to mention the OB appt I have this week and the working and the rest of the sundry stuff we call life. So Cletus must stay put until Friday morning. Every week I sit down and tell him our schedule and explain his "window of opportunity" for that week. This past week his window was from Thursday to Sunday. Now that we find ourselves at Sunday evening, he will have to wait for the next window. That's how it works, right?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Still here.

Still pregnant. Very, very pregnant. 38 weeks pregnant to be exact. Cervix is still holding strong. No contractions. No bloody show. NOTHING. The dad will be here tomorrow and while I'm glad he will be here, I hate to think of him sitting around, twiddling his thumbs waiting for this baby to come. But I guess there's not much I can do about that so it is what it is. When I go to the OB next time she will strip my membranes if I want her to and that sometimes will bring on labor. I have only had mine stripped with one pregnancy and it did bring on labor a few days later. We shall see. Not really ready to not be pregnant but also don't want to be the one holding up the show when Lennart is waiting on the sidelines to hold his baby. Hmmmm. Decisions, decisions.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sex

Does not cause labor. Just saying. We have been attempting to get some "pre-labor" signs going on by having a bit of fun at night. Poor DH has been cut off for several months (I never feel comfy having sex between 28 and 36 weeks when it is someone else's baby....I just can't imagine having to call the parents and say I went into pre-term labor because I wanted a bit of "afternoon delight"). Anywho, we resume activities a few days ago and not a darn contraction. Not really in BH either. No spotting. No bloody show. No mucus plug. NOTHING. Cletus has settled in for the long haul I think. Wonder if I will be overdue? It's neat to wonder when he/she will come.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A moment of immaturity

After my last pregnancy, I think I'm allowed a brief moment of immaturity. So turn away if you are offeneded by a touch of "neener-neener".

I AM 37 WEEKS TODAY......THAT IS FULL TERM.....AND I DID IT WHILE WORKING A TON OF HOURS, MOSTLY ON MY FEET. GUESS WHAT JACKASS PERI FROM LAST TIME....THERE IS NOT A DAMN THING WRONG WITH MY CERVIX. NEENER NEENER NEENER.

Ok. Sorry about that. I am back to my usual not quite so immature self. My co-workers dad is in the hospital so even though I was hoping to go into labor in the next few days, now I guess I'm back to hoping that we wait a few weeks. There is no convenient time to deliver in my schedule at work or at home right now so I guess he will come when he comes.

Off to work now.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Energy? Where did that come from?

So all of the sudden I have energy again. Not sure why. It's not like nesting energy....it's just all of the sudden I don't feel like I've been wrung out by the end of the day. It is an awesome feeling. Maybe it's just because my cold is finally on the downhill.

OB appt yesterday. Weight gain is 21 pounds so far. Baby is good. I am good. Blood pressure was 102/61. Healthy as a horse. She is out of the office next week so my option was to see her partner (no thanks) or wait until the following week. So I see her again at 38 weeks. Yesterday was my first day of tons of Braxton Hicks contractions and as I lay here and type this, more are hitting. They are not regular and they are not the real thing but they are starting to be uncomfortable enough to make me sit up and take notice. And all of the sudden I realize that I'm expected to deliver this baby in the next few weeks. Wow.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Who needs a white flag? I'll just use my granny panties.

Okay so who came up with this whole "work until I deliver" idea? Who? Surely it wasn't me. Because it is a stupid, ridiculous idea. I am tired. My back aches. Cletus must weigh six pounds or so now and he and his various accessories are weighing me down. And I stand all day. Grrr. Not to mention I have a cold. How unfair is that? Not to mention that DH has suddenly decided to get motivated and work full time so I now have to do actual housework after I get home from work. Not to mention that we have suddenly gotten some hair up our asses about not eating out and so I actually have to cook a meal every night (when we made this no eating out vow, I was under the impression that everyone considered cold cereal a meal....I was sadly mistaken). Not to mention it is basketball season and boy #2 plays. Not to mention that boy #2 keeps winning the darn speech meets so we spend many a Saturday listening to awkward pre-teens and teens give horrible speeches.

So today, I started looking for my white flag. Something has to give here and the only thing that can give is my job. But I was too lazy to actually go in search of a white flag and so the thought came to me of using my white granny panties (are you one of those cute petite women that can wear sexy thongs to the end of your pregnancies? If so I hate you. And lots of other women hate you. Real women get pregnant everywhere. Our boobs are huge, our asses spread and our faces look like that of a chipmunk storing nuts for winter....ah but I digress). But it turns out I am too tired/lazy to remove my granny panties until shower time. So I guess I will keep working. Worst case scenario would be carrying Cletus until I'm 42 weeks pregnant since I can't be induced. So that is ONLY 45 more days. ONLY. Someone, kill me now please.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Old, tired, and used up

Ok.....I admit it. I am old. Because this pregnancy has been easy and wonderful but at the end of a long week of work, I am just tired.

Today I am 35 weeks. In two weeks I am offically term. I cannot wait to have a "boo yah I made it to term with my old and decrepit uterus/cervix combo while standing all day every day" celebration. So in 14 days the ESS can safely come out of hiding. In 22 days the dad will be here. I looked at opportune days for delivery...days when our life is not insane. There are two such days between now and mid-January. Hmmmm. Perhaps having a baby during basketball season and the holidays was not the most brilliant idea I've ever come up with. Perhaps.

Kids here are all alive and doing well. Joe has started a new job and it is....wait for it.....full time. The catch is that it is full time when there is work and when there is not work, it is zero hours a week. So we can't really budget for it yet but maybe by next summer we will have a better idea of how often he will work. If he can get up to around full time, I might be able to leave my job and work part time. How awesome would that be? Pretty awesome I'm thinking. Joe does not get a check for a whole 5 weeks so right now we are back to living like broke people which is not so bad. We have spent way too much money lately on stupid stuff such as eating out and the video store and it's time for that lifestyle to come to an end.

Cletus has had a definite growth spurt in the last week and this belly feels heavy some days now. I also have a cold which is always nice when this pregnant. Hoping a weekend of relaxing and being a slug will fix the cold at least....no cure for the pregnant part but I'm so not ready to deliver yet. Maybe in another few weeks I will be ready but I'm still enjoying this pregnancy way too much to even consider delivery yet.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Made it through

another week at work that is.

I saw the new OB for the first time and I actually like her. She is going to let me labor and try for a VBA2C. I am so thrilled. I know alot can happen to make me end up with another section but at least I have a chance of a vaginal delivery with her which is more than most OBs were giving me.

Cletus is doing well. I think I dropped in the last week because the belly is definitely lower. However my cervix is still closed so I think I have another few weeks in me. I'm definitely starting to feel the hours on my feet every day and while I can work this many hours and be this pregnant, I can't do much else when I get home after. Basketball starts for James very soon and this baby is due right in the middle of the season which should be "interesting" if nothing else.

So right now we are in a holding pattern. Lennart will be here in 28 days and as soon as he is settled into his motel in Columbia, Joe and I can start activities to encourage this baby to come. Poor Joe has been cut off from said activities for over a month now because I didn't want to take the chance of triggering labor so I know he is anxiously counting down the days.

I am nervous and excited for the end of this, my final (theoretically) journey. It has been 12 years since I had a vaginal birth and that scares me a bit I will admit. But I know vaginal is best for me and the baby so we are going for it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

33w1d...Is it just me....







Or is it not really getting any bigger? I know the baby is actually measuring large for dates so he/she must be in there somewhere....just not sure where.






These

Um....wow

So I got a check in the mail for the refund of midwife fees and it was way more than I thought. I feel so much better about the DH quitting his job now. Yay.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Where to start?

Well I guess I will start with the pregnancy.

On Wednesday I had some bright red bleeding. Since I had not seen the OB yet and had already stopped care with the midwife, and since I was only 32w5d, I headed to OB triage where they saw bleeding coming from the cervix. Fortunately my cervix was still high, tight, and closed. They could never see the source of the bleeding so they monitored me and sent me home. What freaks me out is that here we are, three days later, and old brown blood is still coming out, sometimes in clots. I am really worried that this is placental bleeding and I am so scared for the baby. Thankfuly the baby is very active so I know he/she is okay so far. When I feel like this, though, I am definitely tempted to throw out all of my "natural birth" wishes and just let them get this baby out. I am so tired of worrying about this kid. If I wasn't sure about being done with surrogacy before this week, I am definitely sure now. I am tired of stressing 24/7 about someone else's kid. It feels like way too much responsibility. I am actually looking forward to seeing the OB so she can reassure me that everything is okay. At this point I am scared to death that I will lay here and the placenta will abrupt and the baby will not make it. I did have an ultrasound in the hospital on Wednesday and the placenta looked fine so I am sure I'm being paranoid.

What else is going on?
Well Joe quit his job. It was the right choice but it feels like alot of pressure on me right now. How about I make all the money while being pregnant with someone else's baby? Sure...yeah....I can do that. Glerk.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Cowardly

I just told my mom (via email) that I am pregnant with a surrogate baby. She is not a fan of surrogacy (to put it mildly). I do not expect her to take it well. The last surrogacy she told me that I put the surrobabies above my own kids and that I do not meet my own obligations when pregnant with a surrogacy. Hmmmm. I only told her this time because she wanted to "drop by" with my grandpa which would have been horribly awkward. Hmmm. This will not go well.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

40 days from now

I am due in 53 days. In 40 days, the dad will be here to get the baby. I am starting to get really curious as to when this baby will arrive. So far I've had only two real contractions and a handful of Braxton Hicks. I haven't really slowed down anything in my life yet because there doesn't seem to be a reason to. Now if I start getting contractions I will certainly slow down but right now, I'm just going on as usual.

Work is going well. Joe should be getting a settlement from his parents estate in another few weeks. Though it won't be alot, it might be enough to pay off the car that we bought in March. If it does, then we will be debt free except the mortgage and two student loans. That will be an amazing position to be in. Now if we can just keep from ever using the credit cards again.

Kids are doing well. So far everyone is still on the straight and narrow though who knows how long that will last.

Not much else going on. I've stopped whining about seeing an OB and made an appointment in two weeks. I will be 34 weeks at that point and there's really not much intervention left that they can do. I will continue to refuse "routine" ultrasounds, etc., though I will have an ultrasound if we think the baby might be breech, etc. We have developed a few scenarios for labor and I have begun to train DH to be my labor backup (this consists of him practicing screaming, "Listen mean old nurse....she said she doesn't want the flipping epidural") and the training is going well so far. He gave me a scare the other day when he asked me "what the harm would be" in consenting to a few routine tests. After I got done chewing him to pieces, I explained the cascade of interventions concept and while I'm not sure he really "got it", he was sufficiently scared of me to say a meek, "yes dear" which I graciously accepted.

So life goes on right now. Joe is still thinking the baby will come in early November (grrr) and I'm still thinking early December. We shall see. I'm settled in and prepared to enjoy the last few weeks of this, my last (theoretically) pregnancy.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Major suckage

So if this were my baby, I would be having a home birth. You all know this. But it is not my baby, and no matter how many times I try to convince myself that it's my body and that's just as important as it being their baby, that argument just doesn't wash with me.

So I went to plan B. Paid for the midwife out of pocket to the tune of 3700 dollars. Planned to labor at home for as long as possible and then walk down the road to the hospital literally a block away and deliver. Woo hoo. Still get to see the midwife. Still get a normal vaginal delivery (and a VBA2C to boot).

But hold the phone. This is Susan's life....where major suckage waits around random corners. Recently we rounded a corner and ran into him.

Turns out that the charming judge here in backwardsville will not sign the paperwork necessary to get the guys name on the birth certificate. They need that so they can get the passport and citizenship papers for Sweden. Which they need to be able to take their baby home. Why won't the judge sign you ask? Well because they are gay men and it is simply WRONG to be gay. Hmmm. In my mind it's wrong to flaunt your judicial power and it's wrong to judge others and it's wrong to be narrow minded and stuck in the 1930's. But hey who am I right.

So we move on to plan C. We will drive to the next county over, labor in a motel, and run our happy rears across the road to the hospital when I'm crowning. So we call the hospital and ask about procedures, etc. Turns out they won't deliver a mother who does not have an on staff OB. They will ship you out to the other hospital in said town. The other hospital will deliver you if you just show up. Progress. But hold the phone. Susan's life, remember? The judge in slightlymoreprogressiveville will sign the paperwork but only after seeing records from an OB stating that the dads were involved in the pregnancy, etc. Will he accept records from a midwife? Nope. Midwives don't count. Apparently they are almost as offensive to this judge as "gasp" gay men are to the judge in backwardsville. Egads.

So I give up. I have cancelled further midwife appointments. I have eaten the 3700 dollar fee and will get none of it back. I saw her 5 times. So I paid 700 dollars per visit. But who give a shit right? I'm just the hired uterus here and since I get all my money milking the parents it's okay for me to absorb that fee. I scheduled an appointment with an OB. I might as well start scheduling the c-section now.

I'm a tad bit angry and disappointed here. Seems like with this journey, which was supposed to be a picture perfect sibling journey, everything bites, other than the baby. Oh well.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010

31 weeks

****starting to be a bit uncomfortable but nothing too bad yet.
****got my paystub for the last two weeks. Worked 90.3 hours.
****number 2 could be partially to blame for number 1.
****31 weeks today.
****No contractions really yet other than a few BH daily.
****Will take pics tomorrow....look as if I have an alien in my belly trying to get
out.
****Busy weekend planned. Must tar roof (again), pull out broken windows that
cracked from the cold last winter, take out air conditioners (it is finally
cooling off here), go to local festival, oh, and try to rest a bit.
****Exhausted alot. Still swimming twice a week (heavenly), walking in the
mornings, doing yoga twice a week, and walking some evenings.
****Gained alot of weight recently. Had to choose between cutting out sweets
or exercising more. Decided to throw scale away instead. Definitely the
right choice.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Darn scientific studies

I am a scientist....a chemist in fact. When I was in school we were encouraged to read scientific articles and studies and to really analyze them. To this day, I get a little excited when I find the abstract of a study (or even better, the actual study). I won't read the parts of studies that make it into the regular news because in general the media tries to distort the data to make it read the way they want it to. They usually have an agenda.

Anywho, today I was perusing some journals and made the mistake of reading a study about bonding. They were talking about how a baby hears the voice of the mother/carrier and bonds with them. And how if they don't hear that same voice after that they will miss the mother/carrier and mourn for her. Let's just say that I was crying after reading that. I don't want to think that the baby misses me, even for a brief point. I know that the guys are everything the baby needs but it makes sense that the baby would miss the voice it knows.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

30w2d

We had a massive thunderstorm come through this morning around 4 am. Lost power, lightning hit the back house (no damage thankfully). Anywho, turns out that the massive change in barometric pressure caused me to have a ton of BH contractions. It felt weird since I haven't really had any yet. Thankfully my cervix is still tight and closed. I honestly never knew that barometric pressure changes could cause contractions. Guess it makes sense that since a full moon can, then so can a massive storm. Luckily as I said, they were all false contractions. So we continue on. I am starting to think about delivery and wondering where I will deliver and when.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Going so well

So I saw the midwife today and things are going so well that I still only have to see the midwife once a month instead of every other week. I am 29w4d and I see her again at 33w4d and then will go to biweekly appointments.

Weight gain is 16 pounds. BP is great. Cletus is great. No gestational diabetes. Iron level in blood is wonderful. In other words I am healthy as a horse and so is Cletus.

After the midwife (who Joe also loved) we went Xmas shopping. Got about 75% done and we got something for the boys that they are going to love.

Have I mentioned how much I am loving this pregnancy? I hate to say that it is easy because I will jinx myself but so far it feels easy. Loving it.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Back and feeling like myself again

Well we survived the funeral and I am feeling much better. Funny note about the funeral.....a friend of DD's made a slideshow to play on the laptop showing DD preggo and then pics of the babies. The music they chose was rap music. I kid you not. The same song, over and over again. I finally went over and turned the volume way down. I think they were too scared of me to call me on it.

So DD has moved in with her boyfriend and now lives about an hour away. Other DD is involved in school and work. Oldest DS is busy with his friends and doesn't live at home anymore either. We are back to our nice calm life with our two 12 year olds and we are loving it. Praise God for calmness.

Cletus has had a growth spurt. I was measuring the boys today to find out what size pants to buy them next week, so I measured my waist also. It is 39 inches, up 4 inches in just 2 weeks. Egads. I have gained about 18 pounds which I guess is okay. I don't worry much about the weight because I know we have a massive workout schedule ahead of us after this baby comes.

Confession time: I am really hoping for a vaginal birth for many reasons. It's better for the baby, better for me, and easier to recover on. Yet a part of me (here comes the confession) really wants a vaginal birth so that I can carry again. I know that that is crazy. I should be done with surrogacy. After this journey I will have delivered 5 beautiful babies to three wonderful men. That should be enough. Why am I already having this craving again? What is wrong with me? It's not that I can't find fulfillment in other areas of my life....it's just that nothing makes me feel as complete and as wonderful as surrogacy does. But my DH would KILL me if he knew I was even thinking of another journey. Oh well. I need to get this baby grown, delivered, and then physcially recover from that. We are doing P90X immediately postpartum and then I'm going to do a triathalon. By the time I do all that I will be 39 and hopefully too old for surrogacy. Plus the kids just keep getting busier each year. I am not going to rush into anything and I hope the craving will go away.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

My breaking point

Exhaustion tends to be what breaks down my walls and today I am exhausted so for the first time in a LONG time, I bawled like a baby for hours. I just feel like I can't take anything else and while I know it is just because I am so tired from lack of sleep and emotional stress, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with any of this crap. I am just so tired.

My breaking point came while watching Juno....more specifically the scene where she has delivered the baby and is laying on the bed with her boyfried crying. I have never watched Juno (although I have seen parts of it) and I would highly recommend it but not while exhausted and hormonal.

I am so tired at this point that I don't even know if I'm making sense. I just don't feel like emotionally I can take one more thing. I cried for the guys and the baby and the twins and what they are all going through. I have been the parent left behind, the one that dries the tears of the kids and it is a horrid place to be. I cried for myself and the lack of contact with the dads this time and my worries that this baby will be ignored. I cried for my stepdaughter and the horrors she had to endure yesterday and the emotional journey she will have to make now. I have been down her road and it is not an easy one. I cried for my oldest son that does not live with us but refuses to make the right choices in his life. I cried for myself and the emotions that I know are ahead at the end of this journey.

Yes I sound whiny and yes I know that things will look better tomorrow. But today....today I am exhausted.

Note to self: Adding Juno to the list of movies to not watch when exhausted.

Our first grandchildren

So I am only 38 and was not at all excited to be called grandmother. But life is not always (read never) about what you want and what you are excited about so when the step daughter turned up pregnant, we tried to embrace it. We were scared for her because we knew she was not ready to be a mom. We were scared for us after we found out it was twins because we knew that in all likelihood we would end up raising them. One baby she might have been able to do but two would be beyond her. We tried to gently guide her to adoption but the noteriety of twins had her burying her head in the sand about the reality of the situation.

Yesterday morning, at 10:30 am we found out that her water had broken. I ran to the hospital down the road. After examination they sent her in an ambulance (at 105mph) to a larger hospital an hour away. After many hours and many tests, it was determined that the pregnancy could not be saved. 12 hours after the ordeal began, she delivered the first twin. An hour later, the second was born. To see my child in that much physical and emotional pain is something I hope to never have to witness again. I guzzled bottle after bottle of water, praying that Cletus would hang in there throughout the long day on my feet and he did thankfully.

Step daughter is trying to move forward. We are trying to adjust to yet another sudden change. We were quietly rearranging our life in preparation for full time parenting of newborn twins and we no longer have to do that. Tears are very close to the surface today. The whole experience brought back memories of the birth and death of my daughter 15 years ago. I pray for peace for my step-daughter and my poor husband.

I have never seen a fetus at 19 weeks gestation and had no idea that they would be red. They were both perfectly formed, though the girl was much larger than the boy. They had fingernails and toenails and were beautiful.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Growing older, growing fatter, hopefully growing wiser

I have found that for me, the hardest part of parenting is letting go. Our three oldest children are all out of the house now and living independently. It is strange to think of them as adult children but I guess they are. None of them ask us for money or support of any kind. They all make their own decisions. So I guess they are adults. It is hard for me to not "rescue" them when I see them struggling but I have seen way too many kids whose parents helped them too much and they never became independent so I have learned/am learning to back off. I bite my tongue when I want to offer advice and let them make their own mistakes. It's very hard.

I am 28 weeks pregnant now. From the fiasco of bedrest last time, I know that if the baby were born now he would have a 98% chance of survival and a 95% of a normal life. But he's gonna stay in for awhile I hope. Still not really any Braxton-Hicks contractions and not any complications. I finally see the midwife again in 10 days or so. We ended up going over 6 weeks between appointments this time and that feels like a long time. Not that I have anything to discuss with her....all is well in babyland. I think that Joe would now be ok with a homebirth but I have not discussed it with the guys. The are busy and worried and I refuse to try to sell them on homebirth. When/if they come over, they can talk to the midwife about it. But I am still resigned to laboring at home and delivering in the hospital. Cletus has had a growth spurt recently and I definitely look alot more preggo now than I did two weeks ago.

Today will be a roofing day. The roof leaked in the last rainstorm and needs a bit of a patch job. Can't wait to pay off the rest of our debt so that we can start socking money away for a new roof. And siding. And windows. Our house is 100 plus years old and is a money pit if I ever saw one but we love the space. Our master bedroom alone is 600 square feet and easily holds two large dressers, a massive desk, a queen size bed, and a small table with enough left over floor space that both Joe and I can do yoga.

On the subject of debt repayment, we have paid off our line of credit, which was actually the old credit card debt. We are left now with our car payment, two student loans and the mortgage. The plan/hope is to pay off the car by the end of 2011, the student loans by the end of 2012, and then start saving for housing repairs. We will never use a credit card again because we feel as if the last 5 years of our life have been devoted to paying off the debt from the previous 10 years. No thanks. From now on, if we can't afford it, we are not buying it.

The two kids that still live at home just had eye and dental appointments. Thankfully all was well with both at both places so we just paid our co-pays and were done. One of them does need braces but I don't believe in braces until the mouth is done growing. So many kids get them now at 10 and then need them again at 14. No thanks. We'll wait until he's done growing. Next up will be physicals for them and then dental appointments for Joe and I.

And that is our life. Boring, same old same old stuff. Just the way we like it.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Life

is just never gonna get easier is it? No I'm not whining or complaining. And no, this is not surrogacy related. I am just so tired of some things and I wish I could change them but I guess I can't and that just sucks.

Friday, August 27, 2010

So

I was talking to my counselor the other day. My agency requires that you talk to their counselor once a month to make sure you don't go all "crazy surro" and try to abscond with the babies or blackmail their parents to get a new Maserati. So nice to be trusted. Anywho, the counselor and I have discussed a few times the fact that the agency might need to know about the cancer to figure out the legal aspects following delivery such as what to do if LO can't come and it turns out to be his baby, etc. The other day the counselor had a "what if" conversation with my agency and it became apparent that they knew nothing of this situation. She gave away no details at all, not even mentioning my state. She left it in my ballpark whether I let the agency know anything further. I honestly don't know what to do. I do not want to violate the guys' privacy in any way. This is their situation and I do not in any way want to dictate how they handle it. However, I would like to make sure that there will be no issues after the birth. Missouri does not do PBOs so my name is on the birth certificate for a period of time after the birth and so I do have a bit of a stake in making sure things go smoothly. What would you do? At this point I have decided to give it another few weeks, hoping that maybe the guys will know how LO is reacting to his chemo and thus will know if he can come for the delivery or not.

Meanwhile, I will continue to grow Cletus. I am hoping for a big baby born on or after his/her due date.

91 and 65

This baby is due in 91 days.

I have 65 days to work until my due date.

I think we will make it. Still feeling good.

Friday, August 20, 2010

26 weeks. Pregnancy number 6. Baby number 8. Older than dirt.




Comments

So what an idiot am I....I just noticed that I have comments on some of my posts. Comments make me feel famous.

Gonna take some pics of the enormous Cletus in a bit and will post them. I am fat and sassy but loving every minute of this pregnancy (well not the emotional turmoil of an IF with cancer but other than that.....) Back later with fat chick pics.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Moving right along

Wow we are 25 weeks and a few days pregnant already. How did that happen? I am starting to look pregnant but still feel really good. The working is not bothering me yet. Last time at this point the jerk of a perinatologist already had me in the hospital on bedrest even though I knew then as I know now that there was no reason for it. Granted that was twins but I worked until 34 weeks with the first set of twins with no problem whatsoever. I have somewhat of a chip on my shoulder this time and want to prove to myself and my agency and my RE that the peri was just an overcautious nut last time. So far not a single contraction this time so yay for small victories. Last time he just kept saying my cervix was short and I just kept saying that maybe it was always short. In the end, he finally admitted that I might be right when I was taken off bedrest and carried for a few more weeks and delivered full term twins. But I still feel like I have something to prove. Hopefully this baby and I stay healthy so we can work up until I go into labor at 42 weeks.

L-O has had four rounds of chemo now. He goes in early September for testing to see if the chemo is working. I guess that depending on those results we will know if he is able to come for the birth or not. I hope that the cancer is completely gone but I don't know how likely that is.

Kids are all still here and doing about the same. We will leave it at that.

I have started doing yoga again every day. I hadn't realized how stiff and inflexible I had become but the yoga is definitely helping. We still walk every morning also and I do my 100 crunches (getting more difficult now that Cletus is in the way) and 20 pushups daily. I have talked my hubby into starting P90X with me on December 15th and I plan to start a triathalon training program at the end of March. Since this is my last pregnancy (theoretically anyway) I can't wait to drop back down to the 120 that I weighed 5 years ago before I got a hair up my ass to populate the globe with babies for gay men. 5 years and 5 babies later, I figure to be about 165 when I deliver this ESS so that will be 45 pounds to lose. Egads. But it can be done.

I will be pumping for a week or so for this baby and then an additional month to store the milk for my grandkids (did I mention that the stepdaughter is preggo with twins?...don't ask) and then I am putting all reproductive and lactating functions into permanent retirement (theoretically).

So that's it. I have just stuffed yet another salad down my craw when what I really wanted was some chocolate cake and I'm heading off to put the kids to bed and go to bed myself.

Happy gestating to all.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Irrational fear of dying

Does anyone else have this? I find that lately I am terrified of dying. I am all gung ho for a natural labor at home and then a quick trip to the hospital for delivery 99% of the time. And yet the other 1% I find myself terrified that my uterus will rupture or I will bleed uncontrollably. And it's not that I'm scared to die for myself....I'm petrified of leaving my son. He is only 12 and has already lost his father. He is so vulnerable and I feel like his losing me would be the last straw. I can't imagine how my IF must feel....knowing that he has stage 4 cancer and having 2 children and a third on the way. I am sure he has the same fears and yet his must be so much more concrete.

Okay....there's my share of crazy for the day. Return to your regularly scheduled programming now.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Confessions of a bad blogger

I used to be such a good blogger....back in the good old days. Now I have no funny insights and few funny stories so I have become a bad blogger. My life seems too boring to blog about. I work, I gestate, I eat, I sleep. Rinse and repeat. Day after day after day. But just for grins, here's how life is right now.

The fetus: is growing right on schedule. I had my third appointment with the midwife and I love her more every time I go. My guys are very uninvolved in this pregnancy and it is so weird. They were so involved last time. I tell myself that it is because of the cancer and the fact that they have two year old twins but honestly it doesn't help alot. They never ask about the baby and in turn that makes it seem like I am the only person who cares about the baby. I feel myself being more attached to this one simply because I feel bad for him/her that his dads are not very interested. And that worries me because I know how emotional the first few weeks after surrogacy are anyway and I don't want it to hurt any more than it normall does. I just feel so.....well I honestly don't know how I feel. I am tired of worrying about the birth and the guys. I thought that by having a baby for two men I would be able to escape all the emotional crap but I guess not. One day at a time as they say, right? I am sure that once the guys are over here they will be very interested....they are just busy.

The kids.....the 12 year olds are awesome. The rest......well yeah. Next subject.

The job....still there but only working about 42 hours a week. Yay. I don't know if I will stay forever or quit next week. Indecisive much?

We have had an attack of fleas in our house. We sprayed the house, bathed the cat, forced pills down the cat, sprayed the cat, put frontline on the cat. Finally the battle has been won but I am not sure about the war. I hate fleas. Hate them. Our poor cat will probably grow a second head from the amount of flea treatment that we put on it but hey.....desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

It has been hotter than the seventh circle of hell here lately. 100 degrees and humid is horrid at any time but when you are hauling around your own personal furnace (aka Cletus the Fetus) it is downright miserable. Throw in the fact that I work in an ethanol plant with two dryers at 500 and 700 degrees, and you begin to understand my hatred of summer. If I could shoot the sun from the sky I would. I am sick of sweating and ready for fall.

The kids go back to school in another week and a half. Joe is quite ready I think. Since he is the house parent he is the one terrorized in the summer. Better him than me. I had my years as the stay at home parent.

I guess that is it. No funny stories. No quirky insights into life. I don't really understand much of anything anymore so I won't try to explain it to you.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Confrontations

I have been having some issues with a c0-worker regarding surrogacy. I don't talk about surrogacy at work unless someone asks me. In fact most people at the plant don't even know I'm preggo. Anywho, I have one guys who has been coming to the lab every day to ask question/make snide remarks about surrogacy. They have been rude and horrid comments and I have tried to bite my tongue. I made it through him asking why I didn't sell my own kids to earn a few extra bucks. I made it through him asking how I can sleep at night after milking people for money. I even made it through him asking if I was going to go to Sweden to claim "what is mine" if my IF passes from cancer. But his comments yesterday were so bad that I finally had had enough. In front of a manager I let this guy have it. I told him he was a heartless good for nothing SOB and that he had neither the mental capacity or the heart to understand surrogacy. And I told him that if he was going to call me a money-grubbing uterine whore, he should at least have to balls to accuse me straight out instead of dropping rude and snide comments. Later I apologized to the manager and he said he supports surrogacy 100% and that he only stayed in the room because he thought I might kill the guy. Love this manager by the way.

I am still flip flopping about whether to quit my job. I would love to have the extra time but I also love working in my field and I love having money to do what we want when we want. Until I am 100% sure what to do, I will stay where I am.

The baby has had a huge growth spurt. I have gained something like 17 pounds (egads, I know) and I think this baby is going to end up weighing at least 8 pounds. I have another midwife appointment in two weeks. The baby is finally starting to move on a daily basis.

The guys told me names that they had picked. The picked one boy name that is okay and two girl names. I love one girl name and the other is okay. I will continue to call it Cletus the Fetus until the end.

I have pondered gathering a few supplies just in case I labor really quickly and end up delivering at home. I hesitate though because I don't want it to look as if I'm preparing for a home birth since I think that would come across wrong. Surrogacy is really complicated sometimes when you want to do the right thing but don't want the parents to think you are doing the wrong thing. If I don't have anything here and I have one of my historically fast labors, then I will have nothing to cut the cord with, nothing to dress the baby in, etc. Not good. But if I buy stuff for cord care and a pack of diapers and one outfit and have one of my historically fast labors, the guys might think that I planned to homebirth even though they didn't want me to and I would never want them to think that. Guess I will ponder more on that.

Joe's brother is driving down today to look at land that he wants to buy. He is driving in his new Mercedes. He has still not settled the estate but is suddenly rich. Hmmmmm. Not jumping to conclusions is really difficult in this situation.

Guess that is it from my boring life. We are going to a resort next weekend with horseback riding. It is still 100 degrees here every day. I am ready for fall.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Media coverage and surrogacy

If you know anything about the surrogacy world, you know that surrogates are not well thought of in the media. We are uterine whores. We are only in it for the money. We live off of government subsidies and prey on women or men that dream of being parents. We are the lowest of the low and if you allow us to grow your child, our genetics may not be involved but our white-trashiness will rub off. I get so tired of it. It doesn't help that some surrogates perpetuate the myths by being just what the critics think we are. I would like to set the record straight about most surrogates though. I have done several interviews to try to get the story of real surrogates out there. Unfortunately even though the articles are fact checked a million times there are always errors. I don't know why I care what others think about me but for the record, here are the facts in my case:

* I make more in nine months at my job than I do as a surrogate. Alot more.
* I am not on any form of public assistance. I buy my own food, health insurance, etc.
* I am in surrogacy for many reasons, but mainly to help others have a family. My greatest benefit is not the money but the joy and happiness I see on the faces of the parents when their dream is fulfilled.
* I have a college degree in Chemistry with minors in Biology and Psychology. I graduated summa cum laude even though I put myself through college with five kids and a husband to take care of.
* I am the breadwinner in my family.
* I do not "milk" my IPs for anything. I don't submit alot of expenses that I could and I even paid almost four grand out of pocket this time for my midwife since she wasn't covered by my health insurance and I didn't feel it was fair for me to charge them when my insurance would cover an OB.

Okay....off of my soapbox. Next time you see a surrogate, try to judge less and understand more. Yes, she might be a money grubbing, non working, uterine whore. But more likely she's a hard working woman who helps others in her spare time. Most of us do work. Most of us are educated. Most of us do care. Right now, I'm exhausted and cranky. I work 45 hours a week and I make sure my pregnancy does not affect my job and my job does not affect my pregnancy. And yet when this baby kicks, it brings a smile to my face because this is something I want to be doing.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It's been awhile

Gosh I have been gone for awhile. Not much going on pregnancy wise. The baby grows and so do I. I am still loving the more natural approach that the midwives use. I have finalized in my head my plan for labor and delivery....I will labor at home ,with my midwife in attendance and will walk the block down the road to the local hospital to deliver. I think the guys were hoping I would drive to Columbia like last time but I plan on waiting long enough at home that an hour long drive would not be smart. Of course I will head to the hospital sooner if there are any complications.

On the job front.....I'm done. I've pondered this decision for months and I always manage to talk myself into staying.....but then a week later I am fantasizing about leaving. So the plan is that I will give my two week notice in mid August and my last day will be the kids' first week of school. Until the baby comes I will putter around the house and help out at the kids' schools, etc. After the baby comes, maybe 3 or 4 months postpartum, I will find a part time job. I saw a ton of part time lab positions in the closest large town and if I could find one there a few days a week that would be ideal. If not, I will work here in town part time. Bottom line is, I miss my family and I'm sick and tired of working 45 hours a week so that my boss can take all the credit even though she is rarely there. It's a scary decision but one I'm definitely ready for.

Have not heard much from the guys. I think they are still annoyed with me about the midwife. And they are busy with such things as two year old twins and stage four cancer. It is a very strange journey. Very strange indeed.

Joe's brother is coming next weekend for a visit. I will try my hardest not to interrogate him regarding when/if Joe might be receiving some money from his parents' estate. I am not holding my breath but a bit of news would be nice.

I have no other news at all. I am still thinking this baby is a boy because he is very inactive. Hopefully the pregnancy will continue to be boring as heck.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Success

Well we had a wonderful weekend at the resort. More on that later. Running out to the grocery store but just had to post that I was with my family (parents, sister, grandpa, etc) for 3 hours yesterday and no one noticed I was preggo. The belly is really just not that big yet so yay. No awkwardness about surrogacy at the family GTG. Now to just get through my nieces wedding in 5 weeks. I will be almost 25 weeks at that point. Where is the nearest corset store?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bullet points

* Still kid - free...until tomorrow evening.
* Worked 22 hours in 2 days.
* Leaving for an awesome trip soon. Can't wait.
* The fetus is hungry all the time....thus so am I. Fatness is the new hotness.
* The boys' grandpa in Chicago (their dads dad) passed away Sunday evening.
* Funeral will probably be tomorrow or the next day but since no one has told me the date, I am clueless.
* Can't get off to go to funeral because he is not related to me. Thus the family up there will think I don't care.
* Exhausted, cranky, and tired.
* IF is back in hospital tomorrow for round 2 of chemo.
* The dads never ask about this baby. I know they are busy and I know they are scared but it is strange to have no one asking after how involved they were last time. Some of that has to do with having twins to take care of also I'm sure.
* DH bought me a wedding band today. It is gorgeous and delicate and just what I was wanting. My original died many years ago. This set cost a grand and he bought it with his own money. Awesome.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Kid Free

So the kids are all gone...either to camp or to their moms or just old enough to be out on their own. We rarely get any time alone, much less the three days we are going to have now. Right now I am just sitting here soaking up the quiet. In a bit I plan to clean a room and then marvel at how it stays clean when I leave it and come back. This coming weekend we are going to a resort with the two youngest boys that I think will be a blast. Rafting and family games and swimming. Yay.

The fetus continues to grow well. I check on him once a day with my doppler and he is always there and doing well. I took my first belly pics today at 18w2d. I just look fat. I got a new bra yesterday. I had been buying a 36B and was measured and it turns out I'm a 34D. Me. Mrs. A cup. Egads how big will these things become when my milk comes in? Needless to say my husband has been walking around with a huge smile on his face for days.
Below are the first belly pics. Lots of growing going on.....lots of growing left to do.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Doppler arrives

Yay. I got my doppler. And the fetus is alive and well thank heavens. I can hear him/her kick on the doppler but I don't feel it. Definitely an anterior placenta. Maybe when he/she gets bigger I will feel him/her.

Okay...enough with the him/her he/she stuff. From this moment forward the baby shall be called.........to be continued.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The cat....kid free....FATIGUE

We have an evil cat which we stole from my step daughter. We actually didn't steal it.....well maybe we did. See she didn't really feed it well and refused to get rid of its fleas so one day my DH told her how much I wanted the cat and she gave it to us. (There is a running theme here....DH always uses me as the excuse or the bad guy). Anywho, we get the cat and we bring it in the house and give it a ton of flea baths and bomb the house and two weeks later, no fleas. Yay. We are a nick name household so the cat quickly becomes a oujabouja (OH JAH BOH JAH). Which morphs into a smojkoj (SMOJE KOJE). My sons both have an application on their ipod called speak it. You type a phrase in and speaks it for you. So they typed in smojkoj and the ipod pronounced it SMOY COCK. So that is house our household cat, whose name is squash, became known as squash the smoycock not squash the cat. Both boys say that living in our house is like living in a veggie tales episode. I am a complete and total idiot/goofball and they love every minute of it.

On Thursday one son goes to his moms house for a week. On Sunday we take the other son to camp until Wednesday. So if you are counting, that gives us 3 whole days kid free. Of course I have to work and so does DH but hey, kid free is kid free. Not that I don't love the kids....I do. But we have five of the buggers and we rarely get a complete break. We are doing Red Lobster with a gift card I got from work and then shopping for a birthday gift at the mall. I can't wait.

I go back and see the midwife in about 2 weeks. I still rarely feel this baby move....maybe once every two weeks. I ordered a doppler to try to calm my worries but they haven't even shipped it yet so who knows when it is coming. My only actual pregnancy symptom continues to be fatigue. I am so tired I could cry most days. But I have no other complaints so I guess all is well. I just really, really wish this baby would get active already. I am almost 18 weeks and I am tired of stressing.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Equilibrium restored

Well things have settled a bit here thankfully. My cold is gone and I just have a touch of the sniffles now. Unfortunately my poor hubby has now caught it but he will recover quickly I hope. We went to a water park about an hour away today and had a good time. The boys did the water slides and the wave pool and everything else. I did one water slide but could not talk hubby into it. He did do the wave pool and the lazy river with me. I am burned to a crisp on my legs but nowhere else. Hmmmm.

I think I was able to "recover" in the last few days because I didn't hear from anyone. As sad as it is, in a way it is easier for me to not hear from the guys now. The news is rarely good and it makes me worried and stressed for them when I get it. I email them frequently but usually only talk about the fetus and about our family. I will tell them that we are praying for all of them (which we are) but make no inquiries really. I almost don't want to know. Nothing like burying my head in the sand, huh? I also didn't hear from the wayward stepdaughter, the son, or the brother in law. It was a very peaceful few days.

I realize that the older I get, the more I like just having it be me and hubby and the boys. I know 100% for sure that I won't do another surrogacy after this (unless the guys ever want another sibling that is). I do have another friend that I would help in an instant for no comp but I think she's decided she is staying with just two kids and not going for the trifecta. It feels weird for things to be coming to a close in this area of my life but I guess all good things have to end, right?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Why?

So tonight DH and I ran to the grocery store. We buy for our family (4 of us), my son and his girlfriend who live in the coach house behind us and for a friend with kids that is down on his luck right now. So yeah....350 dollars later we have food for a week for us and a village. You've heard that it takes a village....well we feed a village. But no matter how "tough love" I can be with my wayward son, that does not extend to letting him go hungry at age 17.....talk to me again when he is 18 or older and my views might have changed. Who knows.

Anywho, as we were driving home for some reason I started thinking of how unfair life can be. Not to me....I feel like my life has been really good. I could not help thinking of all of my friends who are infertile. They long for a baby. They would be good moms. And yet they can't have kids. How is that fair. I get the whole "God always answers every question...he just sometimes says no." I get that whole idea. But my question would be, if he's going to say no then why can't he remove the desire from their hearts? Why must they hurt every day? Why must they yearn for something that is not to be? And then why do so many people who don't want kids and who won't be good moms conceive so easily? I will never understand this. Sometimes there seems to be so much pain in this world surrounding this issue. I just really don't understand.

My sick IF is having the typical reaction to chemo now. He is sick as a dog. He cannot do much of anything, including enjoy his time with his babies. That make me angry and sad and makes me want to scream WHY? So many people don't spend any time with their kids. This man devotes all his free time to his and now he is too ill to.

I know I just sound like a whiny brat. I am really trying to understand. But I really just don't understand.

My daughter Samantha would be 15 next month. She died the day after she was born. I wanted that baby. She was the only daughter I would ever have. I do have two step daughters but they are their mothers and though they do allow me access to their lives, it is just not the same. I love being the mom of boys but I wonder what it would be like to have a girl. Someone who I could take to gymnastics meets and give advice to (not that she would listen). I miss her. I know it's stupid and it has been forever but I miss her. I would love to have gotten to watch her grow up.

My first husband has been dead for six year as of last month. He missed the last six years of his kids' lives. There has been good and bad and he has missed it all. All because of a stupid choice and a stupid craving he could not/would not resist. Why?

As you can see, I have not thrown off my moodiness and my funk. I will find my happy place again. I will. We are going to an outdoor water park this weekend. Perhaps some steep slides and some uninhibited laughter from the boys will fill the hole that has opened in my heart. I wish I could go five minutes without think of Lars, sick as a dog and fighting for life. I wish I could sleep and not dream of the babies crying for their father. I wish that this whole situation did not bring back memories of my own boys crying for their father.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sick

I have been battling a cold which has morphed into a sinus infection. Joy. I can't take anything because of the baby so I muddle through each day in a snot infused haze. Today we have a new symptom....shortness of breath and feeling as if a cow is sitting on my chest (I checked....there is not one). So I am now even more miserable. I think illness while pregnant should be illegal. I think kids should not expect to be fed or parented while I am sick. I think I should get to call in sick to work when I am sick. But alas it does not work that way. Colds do happen to preggos like me. The kids do still demand meals on a daily basis (sometimes multiples time a day....the little monsters) and I can't ever use my sick time or my vacation time for illness because I'm constantly saving it to use for maternity leave. I think I need a new hobby that doesn't involve shooting drugs into my hind end, getting fat for the benefit of others, and joy mixed with sorrow. Maybe I'll take up stamp collecting.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

On the edge of tears

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I seem to cry at the drop of the hat lately. I cried today watching the Karate Kid. I cried reading a birth story on a blog about a homebirth. Then I cried reading a post on SMO about a lady whose surrogate baby died in utero at 30 weeks. I feel like my emotions are so close to the surface. I love to feel this baby move but every time it does I think of his/her dads and then I get sad thinking of the battle they are waging. I get sad thinking about all the what ifs. I know it is just hormones combined with several truly sucky things going on to those around me. But I've never been much of a crier so it feels very out of character for me. I'm trying to just let the tears come....hoping that things will get better with a little release. I have much to be thankful for and happy about and I try to remember that also. I am mostly a positive person so I know that this too shall pass.

So much to write about but nothing to say

Have you ever had that problem? I mean it seems like a million things are happening and I don't even know how to capture any of them into words. Let me try though. I will warn you ahead of time that this will be a very disjointed entry though.

The pregnancy:
I can feel the baby wiggling now. I am thoroughly enjoying only being pregnant with one but a part of me missing the mystique of carrying two. I love my midwife and I know I will be tremendously disappointed when the guys tell me that I can't have a homebirth. I have decided that I will do a hospital birth if they want one (and I know they will) but that I will wait until I definitely know that I'm in labor before heading to the hospital. I am hoping to convince my midwife to go to the hospital with me since I am paying her for a home delivery. She can be my back up "hell no you can't cut me open" person. Because my husband and the guys believe every word that the doctors say and don't ask any questions. Overall it is a great pregnancy so far. Hopefully it continues that way.

The wayward stepdaughter:
Stepdaughter number 2 moved to her moms house when she was 14 because we had "gasp" RULES. She lived there until last Christmas eve when her mom kicked her out. We went to retrieve her and she ran away. We tracked her down and retrieved her and she ran away. We called the police and they told her and us that she had to stay with a parent until she was 17 and then she was an adult. The day she turned 17 she was gone. She told us that it was nothing personal, she just wanted to be an adult. Alrighty then. So we stopped giving her an allowance (adults don't get one of those), stopped buying her clothes and contact lenses and set her free. By this point it was a definite "WHATEVER" situation. So we tried to keep in contact but she wanted her freedom and independence and nothing to do with us. Whatever. She resurfaced the other day. To prove her independence she stopped taking her birth control pills. And is of course now pregnant. She really showed us, huh? So she went to the OB and it is twins. I would think this was a story but I saw the ultrasound photo. She is having identical twins. Great. She lives in her boyfriends moms living room. She has no job. She quit school and did not get her GED. I do not see this ending well. We told her we are here for her but don't really know what we can do. We have an empty apartment upstairs (our house is huge) but she doesn't want to live here because her boyfriend is on house arrest in his hometow. (facepalm). What a mess. How bad is it of me that I'm glad it's her mess and not mine.

The job:
See, I love my job. It is exactly what I've always wanted to do. But I love my kids too. And I don't see my kids because of my job. But if I quit my job I would probably never get another job like it. What to do, what to do? So I'm pondering for now. Wish I could have my job, but in my town so no commute and only 30 hours a week instead of 50.

The DH:
DH's parents both died. There is supposed to be an inheritance but his brother (the executor) will not really say how much or when. I can't ask because I just seem money hungry if I do. So we wait. Not really a problem, just me being anal and praying for a bit of money so I can quit my job (yes I know the last paragraph was about keeping my job).

The End.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Love the midwives

I had forgotten how wonderful midwives are. They trust a womans body to be pregnant. They don't see pregnancy as a crisis or an illness.

We discussed VBA2C risks and uterine rupture and they knew the studies as well as I did. When I try to discuss this with an OB they dismiss me as if I can't read a study. It is so nice to be listened to.

I have decided to see the midwives. I am paying out of pocket for my prenatal care and homebirth because I don't think the guys should hav to pay for something they are not "in to". When the guys arrive in the US I will take them to meet the midwives. If they are not comfortable with home birth the midwives will hook me up with an OB at 38 weeks or so that will do a hospital birth that the guys will be comfortable with. I can honestly say that that will upset me a bit but it is their baby and so their decision also.

I am so thrilled to find this option in this area. I had midwives for 2 of my 3 deliveries and they were wonderful. I mean it is still labor and it still hurts but midwives leave you alone and let you labor. No interventions other than doppler heartbeat checks of the baby.

For those non crunchy types, rest assured that if anything seems out of place during pregnancy, labor, or delivery, midwives are quick to transfer your care. They don't want a bad outcome anymore than an OB does. The c-section rate with these midwives is around 9% whereas the c-section rate at the local hospitals runs around 38%. Hmmm.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The great practictioner hunt

The following is a true account of my current search for someone to deliver the bloodsucking alien currently residing in my uterus. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the stupid....but for clarity I will keep my name the same even though I am, in fact, stupid).

Day 1: woo hoo. I'm pregnant.
Day 2: I guess I should find an OB. I'll just use the one I used last time.
Day 3: Oh wait.....the one I used last time was a spineless wimp who did whatever the maternal fetal medicine specialist recommended. And she monitored my cervix as if I was attached to a nuclear warhead. And because of said monitoring she allowed said MFM specialist to put me in the hospital for 31 days. And on home bedrest for 12 weeks. And when I delivered at term she said she was sorry and that she now though that nothing had been wrong with my cervix all along and that I was perhaps just "cervically challenged". Do I really want a repeat of that? HELL no. Plus she does not "allow" VBA2C.
Day 4: I will go to the birthing center in Columbia. Yeah....that's the ticket.
Day 5: Birthing center is closed. Bummer.
Day 6: Midwives have gone out on their own and are doing only homebirths. SWEET. I am all over this.
Day 7: Email guys to test the waters regarding home birth. They are not receptive because said OB from above convinced them Baby B almost died at the last delivery. In fact Baby B had fluid in his lungs because he did not pass through the birth canal and thus had to be on CPAP for an hour. Yep an hour. Guess an hour of CPAP with Apgars of 7 and 9 equals almost death. Hmmmm.
Days 8-10: Immature poutingon my part. Don't want the guys to feel uncomfortable with my birth choice (but I guess the don't give a darn if I am uncomfortable with their birth choice).
Day 11: Start hunting for OB.
Day 12: Find OB....She allows VBA2C with no mandatory epidural if all is well. She is natural. She is awesome.
Day 13: Go see OBs nurse for paperwork and bloodwork. Schedule appointment for a week later.
Day 19: OB calls to cancel appointment. Says she will not be in the office that day. Reschedules for a week later.
Day 25: see day 19. Yep cancelled again and rescheduled again.
Day 31: see day 25. The newly scheduled appointment will make me 18w3d preggo before I see the OB for the first time.
Day 32: contact midwives via email.
Day 33: midwives respond. I will be meeting with them tomorrow. They will be doing my prenatal care. It is not covered by my insurance so I will be paying out of pocket so my guys don't have to pay for this. When the guys get here I will discuss homebirth with them.

I will not try to "convince" them of a home birth. If they are hesitant or non-receptive I will simply show up at a hospital in labor and let the on call OB have at it. I know I may end up with a c-section that way and that is a risk I am willing to take to have good prenatal care.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Stage 4

I found out a week or so ago that my younger IF has lymphoma. Today we received the devastating news that it is stage 4 and has metastisized to several spots in his body. He is in good spirits and fighting. His partner told me he banked sperm yesterday in hopes of baby number four some day. I am currently carrying baby number 3. They are hoping it is his biological child. We put in one embryo from each dad so we don't know which one stuck. For my sick IF I hope that this is his child. For the logistics of the situation, however, I hope it is the child of the other. How would his partner get the baby back to Sweden if he is too ill, or worse, to retrieve it? I have so many "what if" type questions that I can't ask because if I do I will reveal that while I have hope, I am a realist. I have degrees in chemistry and biology and took many the pre-med class. I have also lost many friends and family to cancer. Please help me to maintain hope and possitivity when all I can see are reality and sadness.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The perfect job?

Do you have your perfect job? I always thought I did. Until I looked up one day and realized that I hadn't seen my kids in three years. I work ALOT. And I drive an hour each day (30 min each way) to do that work. So I end up being gone from home a minimum of 50 hours a week. Sometimes it's more like 60. Now don't get me wrong. The money is great. I live in an area of the country where you can live on 9 bucks an hour and I make 15. I know that 15 would not go anywhere in a larger town but around here.....we are not rich but we are more comfortable than we have ever been. And I get that I should just simmer down, go to work, and enjoy the money. Who cares if I only see my kids on the weekend. Who cares? I care. So today I am applying for a part time job in my town. It is 20 hours a week. It is a block from my house. It is not in my field and I'm sure it's somewhere around 8 bucks an hour. And I don't care. I miss my kids. I miss being in town when things are open. I miss my husband. So I will give up the things that have suddenly appeared in my life (the new car, etc) in exchange for having my life. I really hope I get it. The hardest part will be telling my current job that I'm leaving. I am a bad quitter. Very bad.

The wet t-shirt contest

Ok....so I'm what is referred to as a geriatric surrogate. Granted, I'm only 38, but in the surrogacy world, that is OLD. And I find that each pregnancy makes me more and more tired. Now this could be due to the fact that I work about 45 to 50 hours a week. Or it could be due to the fact that I'm OLD. Take your pick. Anywho, last night I turned the sprinkler on in my garden at around 8:30 pm. I meant to turn it off around 9. Instead I fell into the dreamless sleep of and old person that has spent ten hours on her feet at work, cooked, cleaned, done laundry, parented 85 million (give or take a million) kids, and grown a fetus. I awoke at 1:15 to the sound of thunder and realized I had left the sprinkler on. So I go outside in my white t-shirt and my hubby's boxers to turn it off. It was raining and the clothes on the line were soaked so I retrieved them also. I stumbled back into the house, stripped off the wet clothes, put on a t-shirt and fell back into bed. That is how my day started. So now it is 5:30 pm and I should be cooking and cleaning and all I can do is sit here and type. I'm exhausted from another day on my feet (for those of you that think lab techs get a lab stool to sit on....you are wrong. We stand all day every day) and just want to go to bed. Oh well. In seven more months I won't be old and pregnant, I'll just be old. And wishing I could be pregnant.