Sunday, September 5, 2010

My breaking point

Exhaustion tends to be what breaks down my walls and today I am exhausted so for the first time in a LONG time, I bawled like a baby for hours. I just feel like I can't take anything else and while I know it is just because I am so tired from lack of sleep and emotional stress, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with any of this crap. I am just so tired.

My breaking point came while watching Juno....more specifically the scene where she has delivered the baby and is laying on the bed with her boyfried crying. I have never watched Juno (although I have seen parts of it) and I would highly recommend it but not while exhausted and hormonal.

I am so tired at this point that I don't even know if I'm making sense. I just don't feel like emotionally I can take one more thing. I cried for the guys and the baby and the twins and what they are all going through. I have been the parent left behind, the one that dries the tears of the kids and it is a horrid place to be. I cried for myself and the lack of contact with the dads this time and my worries that this baby will be ignored. I cried for my stepdaughter and the horrors she had to endure yesterday and the emotional journey she will have to make now. I have been down her road and it is not an easy one. I cried for my oldest son that does not live with us but refuses to make the right choices in his life. I cried for myself and the emotions that I know are ahead at the end of this journey.

Yes I sound whiny and yes I know that things will look better tomorrow. But I am exhausted.

Note to self: Adding Juno to the list of movies to not watch when exhausted.

1 comment:

  1. Dear friend,

    I wish I could give you the words to take the worries, anguish, fear and pain away from you and your family.

    Having stood in the shoes of your stepdaughter -- only time can heal the painful wound that the loss of a child brings. Even that, as you know, dims the memory but the pain does come and go over time and never completely goes away.

    My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how worried you are for little Cletus... My prayers will be with you during this stressful and difficult time.

    Hugs and love