Good blog post about parenting little bitty ones

http://dougandbill.blogspot.com/2011/12/11-lessons-for-those-thinking-about.html

5 years ago today

The day after Christmas. Five years ago today we had five kids living at home. The three older kids had gotten money for Christmas from several people and it was burning a hole in their pockets. We took them to the mall and they shopped. I sat a lot because I was 8.5 months pregnant with twins. No contractions at all though. The Columbia Mall had massage chairs at that time and I can remember Sarah and I sitting in the chairs getting a massage and it felt wonderful on my poor back. After the mall we came home and got Hardees. I ate a huge hot ham and cheese and curly fries. Not twelve seconds after I took the last bite my water broke. Not a single contraction....just bam. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. A lot of blood. We called a babysitter and then went down the street to the hospital. I was supposed to deliver in the next town but was nervous about the blood. That turned out to be a good decision. When I got to the OB Triage, I was dilated to an 8 but had complete placenta previa (how, exactly, did my OB miss that one?). I had an immediate emergency c-section and thankfully the babies and I were all fine.

Five years has passed since that day. Dylan and Ella are now in pre-K and getting ready for kindergarten. Their dad continues to send me pictures and their grandparents send me an e-mail once a year, on their birthday, thanking me for their grandchildren. Surrogacy is about creating families and I'm so thankful that these wonderful people allow me a glimpse into their family.

Life around here has changed a lot in the last five years. My role in the surrogacy world has changed from a "grower" to a mentor. I am in the background now. I do a few interviews a year and write an article or two here or there. Some people say that you are always a surrogate but I don't think I agree with that. I was a surrogate. Now I'm a mom and a friend.

Our kids, who were 8,8,13,13, and 15 have grown another five years. We have gone from having them wake us at the crack of dawn to open presents on Christmas day to us actually having to wake them up yesterday morning so they could open presents. We have gone from two in grade school, two in middle school, and one in high school to two in college, one in the workforce, and two in middle school.

Five years ago I was working a crappy factory job. I now work in a professional lab and have had two papers published about my research.

Life is so different now and yet very much the same. My time is taken up with kids, work, and my husband. I have little free time and little time to myself but I can see that changing as the kids get older. I'm not one of those that wishes the years away. I can see that we only have five years left until the younger ones are 18 and it is exciting for them and a bit sad for me. They are growing so fast and time seems to be speeding up rather than slowing down. Joe and I both try to embrace and enjoy every minute with them because time seems to be slipping away faster and faster.

Put in my place by a 3 year old

So I'm in the store, waiting in a ridiculously long line, and the kid in front of me is not waiting patiently. His mom has two other youngsters and has her hands full. So I kneel down in front of the kid and we start rifling though my purse together trying to find something entertaining.

Note to self: get a discreet container for instead cups and pads if you're going to share your purse with an unknown kidlet.

So he finds my pictures and he's going through. There are pictures of all five kids, the grandbaby, some family shots, etc. There's also pictures of all five surrobubs. Think explaining surrogacy is hard with adults...try it with a three year old.

Conversation went like this:

Who they?
Those are some friends' babies.
Where they live?
Boston and Sweden.
Huh?
Boston and Sweden.
Why you have their pictures with pictures of your kids?
They are very close friends' babies.
Why?
We like them a lot.
Why?
Because they are special.
Why? (man I don't miss 3 year olds one tiny bit)
Because they are family too.
How?
Because I grew them.
These pictures are old?
No.
(Look of total confusion while he rifles through for the grandbaby picture and then compares it to the newest surrobaby picture)
How can you grow babies and be a grandma? Nah...you're too old for that.

Out of the mouth of babes as they say.

So to answer the question of how do you know when you should retire from surrogacy: when random three year olds tell you to. The end.

It's strange

Many moons ago, when all five kids were still at home, parenting didn't seem like a full time job. Yes, it consumed my time as did work. However, I felt as if I still had time for myself. What's weird is that now, with only two kids at home, I feel like between my job and the kids I have two full time jobs. I think it's because with only two at home we have time to be so much more involved in their lives. Add to that the fact that one of them is so INVOLVED in everything. And I do mean everything. It just seems like every spare moment that I don't spend at work, I spend either taxiing kids, helping with homework, cooking (egads the cooking to be done for two teenage boys) talking, listening...just parenting in general.

And today it struck me....what in the hell will I do with my time when these kids are gone? I will still work from 6:45 until 4:30. But then what? I can actually have time to work out every night. I can cook (but honestly after so many years of cooking for so many, I fully intend to go on a cooking strike for several years after the kids are gone). That still will leave me with hours of....wait for it. Free time. I'm not so sure that that's a good thing. Free time is for the birds. I guess I could be one of those poor pitiful souls that still attends high school basketball games after she doesn't have a kid on the team any longer. NOT. I will have to find a hobby. How weird. I can't tell you the last time I got to sit around and ask myself what I actually want to do with my time. It is still five years away but this all feels so uncomfortable.

Maybe I can convince the boys to live at home forever? Yeah....I don't think they'd go for that. One talks of taking the NBA by storm. The other wants to work for a computer design company and according to his math teacher, who I ran into at a dinner party the other day (hold the phone....I went to a dinner party? Yep, sure did. With the mayor and the police chief, and several others who either are or think they are movers and shakers in this town. And I mingled (gasp). And I wore a dress (double gasp). And I wore high heels (triple gasp). And I wasn't out of place (holy bacon))

I digress. Anywho, his math teacher, who I ran into at a dinner party the other day, says he has the brains and the gumption to make all his dreams come true. Yay. Good job boy #3. Love hearing good things about the kids.

It's weird to think that in five or six years we might be empty nesters. I don't feel old enough to be a grandmother, yet I am. I don't feel old enough to have a son-in-law, yet I do. I don't feel old enough to have all my kids in their teens or older. Yet I do. This whole aging thing is really happening. The kids really are growing up. I am so proud of all five of them and I can't imagine what the future holds, so I guess I will just hold on for the ride like I have learned to do since that fateful day when I was 17 and met a guy that called me beautiful and proposed marriage. It's been an amazing ride for the last 22 years and I wouldn't change a single thing. Life is good.

Jealous

Ok, I admit it. I read a lot of other surrogate blogs. And surrogacy in India blogs. And surrogacy after infertility blogs. And IP and IF and IM blogs. I am a bit blog obsessed, truth be told.

Many, many, many of those blogs are currently sharing about being pregnant, cycling, delivery, or being immediately post-partum. And as crazy as it sounds (or frankly as crazy as it is), I am so jealous I could spit green monsters. I am incredibly happy for all those surrogates and parents and don't want to take their journey's away from them, I just wish I had another journey of my own. Wow, does that make me a bad person, or what? I mean, I have had three wonderful journey's. I have grown five happy, healthy, well-cared for and very loved children. I have helped create two families. I have helped make three men into daddies and innumerable people into grandparents. Wouldn't you think that would be enough? It scares me to think that this desire to carry again and be in the thick of the surrogacy action will never go away. I was sure that if I just waited long enough, the desire would go away. It's like an itch that I can't, or more precisely won't, scratch. I was sure that one full year of normal life would dampen the cravings but there they still are.

I think I need something of my own to invest myself in. I mean I have my family and my work but I think I need some sort of physical pursuit. Maybe a karate class or a new class at the YMCA? I don't know. But I need to explore something because while I'm incredibly satisfied with my family and my work. there's still something incomplete feeling in my life. I would love to fill that with another surrogacy but since that does not seem to be the right choice, I guess I'll go and look at some other options. Hey, maybe a year from now you'll see me on the obscure sports network breaking boards in a tae-kwon-do competition. Ya never know, right?

Egg donor is chosen

The guys have picked a known donor with a proven history. Yay. They are still unsure on the surrogate front. I have recommended a couple friends who I think will work well for them. Is it weird that I don't even care if they chose someone else...as long as they pick someone who will be a good match for them?

Sent the parcel to Sweden for Xmas. Did I mention that Aurora was 1 on Friday? Where does the time go? I still need to send a parcel to Boston for the twins' birthday there...they will be 5 on Dec 26. Seriously, WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

Still fighting this damn cold here. It is in my lungs now and I spend the first hour of each morning and the final hour of each evening coughing and choking, trying to rid my lungs of crustry green snot. Appetizing, huh? I love that I rarely get sick but hate that when I do get sick it lingers for weeks. Urgh.

Went Xmas shopping yesterday and got everything we needed. Thankfully that chore is done. Our list is really long this year since there are now two sons-in-law and two grandkids. So we marked several people off the list. You can only do so much and since Joe has now been laid off almost continuously since May, it will be a very slim Christmas around here. We all know that time with kids is more important than things though and since Joe has been off he has been able to spend a ton of time with the kids. Yay for that.

That's about it. Taking my yearly test at work tomorrow and boy #2 is studying for finals week at his school. Of course the crappy public schools here don't do finals weeks in middle school so boy #3 is off the hook.

Errr...or not

Good news here today. The doc that read the x-ray last night saw a line and called it a fracture. Today, on further analysis by the radiologist, they have decided that that is not a fracture after all but merely his growth plate. So yay, he's not broken (well his nose is but his pelvis isn't). Thank heavens. As soon as he feels up to it he can resume normal activities. They said he will be super sore for a long time because he got a deep bone bruise but that is so much better than a fracture.

Basketball is over

The boy was badly injured last night. The refs were not calling the other team on their "physical" play and so they just kept getting worse. 5 min into the first quarter they took the boy down. Concussion, broken nose, hairline fracture of the hip. They did call a foul on the other kid but they did not eject him from the game like they should have. We are not sure if the boy will ever play again but he certainly won't play this season. Right now he can't walk. I have no words, at least no polite words, for the other team right now.

Happy Thanksgiving....

I have so much to be thankful for. I won't bore you with the list but let's just say that all is well in my little world. I pray for those whose lives are not so happy on this day.

I have laryngitis for the first time ever. I think my husband is happy...when we go to my mom's he might actually get a word in edgewise for once. I don't feel bad at all...just have no voice.

Do you shop on black friday? I don't. For one, I'm one of 11 people on the planet that has to work. For two, I do not like crowds so would probably die if I attempted shopping on that day. I am sending my poor hubby to Sears because there's one deal we can't pass up...laundry detergent. Like I said, a black friday shopper I am not. I prefer to do my Xmas shopping on a weekday in December. There are crowds but not unbearable ones.

No news on the surrogacy front. The guys are still comparing egg donors and surrogates. I am enjoying not being on meds for the first time since June. It's all good.

The basketball team is still undefeated, though we expect the winning streak to end next week at the South Shelby tournament.

I will end this now and go make something chocolate, as that is what I have been instructed to bring for Thanksgiving (the apple did not fall far from the tree).

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone.

The Swedes

The younger ones at least. Love this family and the way they continue to send pictures and emails. I have a small Sweden corner with pictures and stuff they have sent me in my house and they have a small America corner with pictures of our boys and stuff we have sent them. This is how surrogacy should be....it truly is a blending of two families to become one.

Another good blog to read

This one is a tear jerker. My last IF had cancer that was diagnosed after I was pregnant so this one really hits home for me. We all got lucky and my IF is in remission right now but you never know how long that will last. I think every day of Lars-Ove in Sweden, and his three kids. I think of how their life will be if things change for the worse. I think of the look of fear in Lennarts eyes when he was here to get Aurora. I think of those three kids not having their dad and I think of Lennart having to comfort them when there is no one there to comfort him. Cancer sucks. Read the blog. Have tissues nearby.

http://journeybycourtney.blogspot.com/

Holy bacon.....we're good

And by we I don't mean me.

First some background:
St. Brendan's is a very small Catholic school. Very small as in less kids total in pre-k through 8 than are in the middle school here. Very small as in 13 kids in 8th grade. Total. Very, very small.

These kids have played basketball for years and frankly just plain sucked for years. The girls have been good for a few years now because they had some amazing players and an awesome coach. This year they lost their two best players and no one expected the girls to be any good. As for the boys....well they have always put forth the effort and tried hard but could just never really get there. They lost. A lot. You know how they say everyone needs to learn to lose and that losing builds character. Well they have learned to lose. And they have gallons of character.

Fast forward to this year. It has all clicked. We have massive clickage. These kids are awesome. Boys and girls both. Totally awesome. It is so fun to watch because these are all good kids, great students, and they are out there having fun. They are literally dismantling the other teams. They have a wicked press and they can rattle any team. The girls are short but they are so tough. The boys are not short but they are not tall. Last nights team was a lot taller than them. Didn't matter. I know that tougher opponents are on the horizon. I know that they will not have an undefeated season. I know that they are getting ready to play a tournament that is a definite step up (heck a leap up) from their current level of play. But for right now, at this moment, they are both undefeated. They have worked so hard for this and we are so proud of them all. And they are so fun to watch.

On a personal, "Hey that's my kid" note, boy #2 has been offered a full ride basketball/academic scholarship to one of the regional Catholic high schools in the area. He rocks. :)

Fresh

Is always better than frozen. Fresh has a 50% chance of success while frozen has only a 20% chance. So....fresh it is.

Further proof that boy #2 is an idiot

And there you have it. Yep. Like I said. Happy. Well-adjusted. Believe it or not a straight A student. Being heavily recruited by 3 different high schools to play basketball. But an idiot none the less. He's in the red.

Geriatric flab a'flyin

Yep. That title about sums it up. See you can't really work out when you are cycling. Because you want to do everything perfect so that when/if the cycle fails you can look back and have no reason to curse yourself. Sometimes these things just don't work (in the case of a single frozen transfer, 80% of the time, these things don't work) and you want absolutely no reason to blame yourself other than the general geriatricness of your uterus. Anywho, anyone counting how long this ridiculous cycle was? Anyone? Well let me tell ya. On June 25th I started Lupron. On October 28th I transferred. Anyone got an abacus, because that's a LONG cycle. With meds that make you gain weight. And meds that make you over eat. Shockingly, I started the cycle weighing 140 and ended weighing 135. And I really didn't exercise at all throughout the entire thing. So, yay go me but holy bacon is there so flab on this body. Untoned flab. Geriatric untoned flab.

We got the official, "Hey idiot you're not pregnant...that's why all 15 of those home pregnancy tests were negative" from the RE on Tuesday. Wednesday was a crazy evening since boy #2 was packing for YIG and had basketball practice. Thursday brought about the period from hell. Ever had a post failed cycle period? Let's just say that all that lining they built up in there has to come out. And come out it does. So exercise was out for Wednesday, out for Thursday, out for Friday and out for Saturday. This morning, bright and early, the hubster and I decided to jog. Stop laughing. Ok, fine, keep laughing. We made it about a mile. If you are using klingon distance measurements. Then we walked a bit. And jogged a bit. Every jog got shorter, every walk got longer. There was much wheezing to be heard. And oh the flab that was flying. Egads. Must get into shape. Must banish the flab. How is it that my clothes all fit again and yet when I take them off, flab springs forth from every direction? Is this something else I can blame on aging? I hope so because if I have to blame it on my own laziness then I just suck.

I got my work report from this year so far. I've averaged 48 hours per week. Egads. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the poor laid off hubster has worked a whopping 700 hours all year long, almost all of it before he got laid off in May. Poor man is really getting bummed about not working and we are both really starting to wish he had filed for unemployment when he got laid off. We were trying to be nice and not burden his boss by making his unemployment insurance go up but wow...it's been a long time. Oh well. We have had a good happy summer and fall and hubster has been around for the kids alot. He has started searching for a part time job. We still think he should only work part time so that he can be around for the kids. The money would be nice if he worked full time but the kids are way more important than money. In five years, when the kids are grown, he can work full time.

So that's it for now. It's 76 here today and gorgeous so we are spending time outside. Boy #3 is gone and won't be home until tonight. Boy #2 is at the Y, playing basketball. The house is quiet and peaceful and the chocolate cake in the oven smells delish (what...did I say I was trying to lose weight? Hush).

Funny

This woman is hilarious. She fully captures life as we normal folk live it. I've been reading her blog since her son Charlie was delivered eons ago and she just gets funnier with time. She's a real woman. Kick her, knock her down and she will get back up, although she might be cursing the whole way. I like to think I am half as strong as she is, although I don't know. Enjoy.
http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/

Well that sucked

Long story short (which might eventually be long again if I ever get a free minute to blog)....I transferred one lone frozen embryo and the transfer failed. I feel awful for my guys. They have decided to take a break and I don't blame them. They only have two embryos left and they want to make sure they give those embryos the best chance. They only want to transfer one at a time but they are going to explore whether a younger surrogate might offer them a higher chance of success. I completely support that. My goal was always to help them become parents and if to do that they need to get a different surrogate then that is what they need to do. I am waiting on that wonderful post transfer period to come. You know the one that comes with cramps that feel like labor pains and blood loss that makes you think a transfusion is in your future. Yeah. Good times.

I still need to give details on the transfer trip from hell. It snowed. Alot. The airport got closed down. The national guard got sent in. I slept on the floor and had no food or water for 20+ hours. Can't imagine why that transfer failed, can you? Anywho, I'll get around to that eventually.

Boy #2 is going to a youth in government convention tomorrow. I think he will be bored senseless but hey, who am I to say.

Boy #3 has a science project he is working on. Ugh. Not a fan of the science project thing but he has a good idea for this one and is making progress on it.

Grandbaby is doing well and growing finally. She is so cute now and really starting to stay awake longer. We took her to her first basketball game and she just watched the game and actually didn't scream.

I found another job that I'm going to apply for. I love my job and I doubt I can make what I make at this new job but I figure any time there's a science job in the area it can't hurt to apply for it.

And that's it. I'd like to say I'll have a longer post soon but yeah, I doubt it. It's 10pm now and I am in bed typing this. I still need to iron boy #2's suit for tomorrow, finish packing for him, figure out how to make an endoplasmic reticulum out of pipe cleaner and glue for boy #3, pack lunches for tomorrow, cure cancer, and figure out that whole world peace thing. :)

Alive

I have a super funny (in an OMG did that really happen) post about traveling that I'm working on. As a hint, you know that huge snowstorm that shut down Bradley Int'l airport last week. Guess who was smack dab in the middle of that? Yep. Slept on an airport floor. Went 20 hours without eating. Funny in a wanna kill someone kind of way. Anywho working on that post.

On another travel note, I have to drive to Sioux Falls for a 3 day meeting in the dead of winter. Urgh.

Basketball season has started and both boys and girls are 2-0. Amazing for a small Catholic school. Boy #2 has beaten his scoring record in a game, scoring 28 points. And that was sitting out one whole quarter. He will be playing AAU ball this summer which is awesome but means a whole lot of time on the road and in the car. Urgh/yay.

Life is so busy right now. I was hoping to have some exciting surrogacy news but it doesn't look like that will happen. More to come later.

Prayers

Please pray for my friend Holly. She's been a surrogate three times and for the last six years has been trying to have one final child of her own. She has done IUI's and three rounds of IVF. It has not worked. I have felt strongly for awhile now that she needs to just stop and enjoy the blessings she has been given but would never say that to her. Who am I to say that? While I occassionaly might have a tiny baby craving, I certainly don't yearn for a baby and can't even begin to comprehend what it's like to yearn for that and be denied over and over again. I can't imagine how hard it must be to get your hopes up month after month, year after year, only to have them dashed repeatedly. I pray for her peace of mind and ask that you do the same. I am reminded of these words of wisdom:

God answers every prayer. But sometimes the answer is no.

We have all asked for things, prayed for things, and had the answer be no. But it is hard every time it happens.

Just because

we all love babies

Which would you choose

If you were going to go back to school which would you do?

1. Get a masters degree in your field that would open up more job opportunities for you?

2. Get a second bachelors degree in a neighboring field that would make advancement opportunities at work possible?

3. Get a completely unrelated degree in a field you have always been interested in?

See #3 really appeals to me. The problem with going that route is that I'm the breadwinner and have been for many years and the degree I would like to get would take 16 months (it's another bachelor's degree but I can piggyback it onto the one I have and get it faster than four years). So we would have to take out student loans and I hate debt. Hate it.

If I go with #2 then I can move up in my company. I love my company but moving up in it means moving and that is not an option until the kids are grown. I would never take the kids away from their friends or family. Also, my company is makes ethanol and we all know how everyone and their brother hates ethanol now because it raises food prices supposedly (it doesn't by the way).

#1 is the most logical. I already took my GRE and got accepted into the masters program at Mizzou. The problem with this is it the one I least want to do. I love chemistry but don't adore chemistry classes. To do this I could work at the university though in research and this route would put me in the right town for boy #2 to go to Catholic high school which he is considering.

Decisions, decisions.

Where have I gone?

Years and years ago, when I was a young pup (aka a teenager) I used to look in the mirror and wonder who I was. Things in my life were changing so quickly and some days I couldn't seem to find myself. Other days I knew exactly where I was but just didn't much like what I was seeing. I think that everyone feels that way as a teenager and that discombobulated feeling is just part of growing up. It stunk but I always believed that I would find myself and my way and end up where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be.


Now, as an surrogate at the end of my surrogacy road, I feel some of those same feelings. Surrogacy has consumed my free time for years. It's been an integral part of my life and still is in some ways. I still receive updates on the five children that I helped bring into the world. I still help other surrogates out by mentoring and giving advice and just being an ear. But I find my role in the surrogacy community changing and while that's great, it's also uncomfortable in the same way that any change is uncomfortable. I find myself feeling the same way that I feel when a surrogacy first ends....wondering, "what's next" and wondering what the next phase of my life will bring. For so many years now the answer to that question has been, "another surrogacy after getting back into shape." I don't think that is the answer anymore and so I find myself at a bit of a loss.


In the past, I used this blog to pour out my feelings and emotions regarding surrogacy. In the past I would have been writing about this emotional journey I am on in the same way I wrote about my previous surrogacy journies. Now I just don't feel comfortable doing that. Bear with me while I find my way in this strange new world.



So what's up with my life other than soul searching and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up (other than a mad scientist)?


I am going to teach a chemistry class at my sons' school soon. I have been a substitute teacher at the middle school and the local Catholic school before but this will be the first time that I am planning the class, building the lesson, and teaching it. It's very hands on and designed to show the kids how cool chemistry can be. I tend to get nervous in front of groups but I love chemistry so I'm thinking that I won't be this time. We shall see.


I took a business trip recently. Drove 600 miles in one day. It was a LONG day but I had a good time and learned alot and gave a presentation without stumbling over my words and getting nervous. Could it be that I'm finally growing comfortable in my own skin?


Kids are all doing well. Boy #2 got invited to a tryout for an AAU traveling basketball team. He's very excited since this has been his dream for awhile. Not sure he'll make the team but he might. He has been working out with the high schoolers for awhile and this summer he has been asked to play with the high school traveling team which is a pretty big deal since it will be the summer before his freshman year and freshmen very rarely travel with this team. Just to not seem completely like a sports mom, he also has straight A's at Catholic school.


Boy #3 also continues to do well. He got his grades up and is ungrounded again. He is such a happy kid and a real ray of sunshine. He's definitely our most helpful kid too, always willing to lend a hand.


Girl #1 has had her job for three years. She works with mentally disabled adults and is basically a caretaker. One of the residents in the home she works in passed away yesterday. She has been caring for him for her entire three years so she is pretty upset.


Girl #2 is turning into a great mother. We are really proud of the way she has turned her life around. She has done alot of hard work on herself in the last six months and really grown up. She went back to college less than a week after having the baby and continues to get good grades there, even while taking care of a newborn. Speaking of newborns, the grandbaby is doing well. She is on soy formula and cranky alot but she is so adorable. I think she is wearing her mom and dad out but we have fun with her. The two boys just adore her.


Boy #1 seems to be on a better road finally. I pray for him and write to him but this truly is a journey he has to make on his own. I love him and don't want him to think that I don't support him but as I've told him repeatedly, I don't condone drugs or drinking and simply won't tolerate it in our lives. This has been such a long hard road for all of us and I pray for the day that we can all be together again as a family. Hoping and praying and being there to listen is all I can do. He has to do the hard work.


Hubby is still not working. We are broke but the house is clean and the kids are happy so all is well. Hopefully he'll be called back to his original job soon. He's been laid off from there since the end of May though so who knows. He never filed for unemployment because he thought that he would be called back quickly so we have truly been living on my income only since late May. The positive is that we've learned to live very frugally. I know we will both feel better when he finds a part time job of some sort. Ideally he could work four hours a day or so and still be here for the kids. We'll see what he finds.

That is it for me. Prayers are going out for several friends who are transferring in the next week. May their uteri (plural of uterus?) be welcoming and their betas be high.

Glass half full/glass half empty

Remember my utter joy at DH getting a full time job? He got laid off again.

Glass half empty: we will be belt tightening again

Glass half full: kids have a full time stay at home parent again which is how we like it.

There is nothing better

Than holding your grandchild as they sleep. Than helping your daughter learn to breastfeed. Than watching your daughter become a mother. Than watching your sons embrace their role as uncle. My heart is happy. Life is good.

Just call me grandma

So I get that I'm supposed to not like the grandma term. I'm only 39. But heck yeah. Call me grandma.

From this date forward

You know how when you go to Walmart and you hear a kid say "Mom" you turn around and look. Even though you know you didn't bring your kids or you recognize that that isn't their voice, you turn around. It's instinct. Someone says mom and your heart jumps. From this date forward, I will have that same reaction when someone says grandma.

I am a grandmother. Maybe that's supposed to make me feel old but it doesn't. Sarah did a wonderful job and pushed her first baby out in 7 min. Wow. The baby is a bit early and is in the NICU but is doing great. I ran to work at 8pm on Wednesday night since there's a few tests that I do that no one else at work knows how to do. Then I headed for the hospital and stayed for the long haul. Got home last night late and am headed back to work today. I am tired but not nearly as tired as the new parents. Hopefully the baby will be home soon with her mom and dad. A new family has been born. :)

Yeah I know, I know

It's been awhile. I go through phases of being a bad blogger and I guess I'm in one now. Life is just so busy. In the last week we have:

*played tennis twice. We are horrible at tennis but we keep making the effort and today I could see a bit of improvement. What is one step above horrible?

*gone to watch 2 girls volleyball games. Do we know someone on the team? Nope. Are we fans of volleyball? I guess a bit but not super fans. We just enjoy going and watching things and for the first time in five years I'm not pregnant, recovering from being pregnant, or trying to get pregnant. Perhaps this is what normal life feels like? If so I like it.

*driven 300 miles (150 each way) to watch friends from Cobblestone play softball. It was a nice break and I actually (gasp) took a whole day off of work. Shocking I know.

*I worked 38 hours this week (even though I took a full day off I still worked this much) and Joe worked 46. Egads.

*Boy #3 has discovered girls and in doing so has decided to talk in class instead of doing his work. This has resulted in two bad mid-term grades (his first bad grades ever I might add) and his first instance ever of being grounded. Homework is now being done and at the parent-teacher conference they said he's a great kid and involved in class...he just has started to talk to others a bit much. Just normal kid stuff but still frustrating to try to figure out the best way to deal with it.


Also going on in our life:

*Boy #2 needs a suit. I have never purchased a suit. This should be amusing.

*Girl #2 is still pregnant though her water is leaking so she won't be pregnant long. She continues to go to her college classes though and has great grades. What a turn around she has made in the last few months.

*My grandpa is in town from Arkansas. He's 90 and still doing great.

That's it. See why I haven't blogged? My life is boring and uninteresting....which I'm coming to find out is just how I like it. I will have to mine my friends for some good surrogacy stories to tell as I don't have any of my own. :)

Why I'm a surrogate

If you tuned into this post to see a wad of cash, sorry to disappoint you. If you tuned in to see my face on the cover of a magazine, oops....not here. Surrogacy is not about money. It's not about fame. It's about people just like you and I who thought they couldn't have babies....and now they have babies. It's about a new generation for a family who thought there would never be one. It's about dads and moms smiling through the exhaustion of new parenthood because even though they are exhausted and are covered in baby slime, there's nothing that they would change. For the surrogate, it's about opening up your email on a thoroughly crappy day, a day filled with late homework assignments for kids and explosions in the lab (crap did I really just add those two chemicals to each other) and finding a simple email from someone who has changed your life as much as you have changed theirs. Below are my surrobubbas. They are not my children but I grew them in my heart so that their parents could experience the joys of parenting. I do not regret a single moment of the last six years. I never will

And that's the way the cookie crumbles:

So it was going to be a relaxing weekend. Yeah. Hmmm. Let me re-cap:

Saturday. Wake up at buttcrack of dawn. Take step-daughter and her jug of pee (from her 24 hour urine catch...and yes, we did strap the bucket o'pee into the backseat of the car) to the neighboring town to drop it off at hospital lab. Lab slip shows bloodwork to be done also. Get to lab. It is closed. Go register at ER. Silently curse step-daughter for not paying more attention to details/instructions. Get blood drawn. Drag extremely pregnant pre-eclamptic whiner through six stores and the mall while waiting to hear bloodwork results. Silently contemplate killing her and giving her boyfriend a medal of honor for putting up with her whining. An example? She whined no less than 11 times (I counted) that there was enormous pressure in her who-ha. Really kid? No shit. When you are 4'11" and you create a baby with a man who is 6'3", there's gonna be a smidge of pressure at the end. Finally hide behind the lingerie racks in Victoria's Secret and manage to lose her, thus freeing myself from whining for at least ten minutes. Finish shopping. Bloodwork results show the beginnings of pre-e and low potassium. She will have to be monitored but yay...no induction. So we head home. On the drive home, silently contemplate killing her when she asks 14 times if she's going to die during childbirth and then has the nerve to state, "You just don't understand what it's like." Um really kid? I've been pregnant six times. Had 8 babies. 3 vaginal unmedicated births. 3 c-sections. Two sets of twins. But yeah, I probably don't understand what pressure and swelling and pregnancy discomforts do to a woman. Hmmm. To be 18 and self-obsessed again. Bet that changes in less than a month when a wee one makes an appearance.

Sunday. Wake up. Return to the neighboring town to exchange the school uniform pants that I got boy #2 because even though they are size 32 32 and even though they were in the men's section, they are, "Girl Pants". Ahem. Stop at the four other stores I was not able to visit yesterday. Drag hubby through craft store, needing nothing, just to see how tortured he looks. (Note to self, DH is not a man because the craft store did not bother him at all and at one point I'm pretty sure I saw him looking at the macrame supplies). Drive home. When almost home, make arrangements to retrieve boy #2 from a friends house. Phone rings. Growl ominously but it does not good....I must go to work. If you're counting, which I am, this is 9 out of the last 10 weekends. EGADS. Finish work. Come home. Plan to walk with my husband. It begins to pour rain. Give boy #3 the video game we found for him. Cook dinner. Get invaded by pregnant step-daughter. Retreat to bathroom to hide and get a phone call from boy #1 in prison (he has been accepted into treatment and has signed up for a rigorous parole option...he sounds like he's beginning to accept that he cannot live his life this way). Decide to blog about my ridiculous life and then take a bubble bath.

Thankfully I get to go back to work tomorrow. I need the rest.

Frank Sinatra....ramblings on regrets

When I was a kid, my mom was big time in to Frank Sinatra. I can remember our Saturday ritual. We would all get up and clean the house. We had a record player in the family room. Mom would put on records and as a family, we would clean, room by room. When Mom would put on Frank Sinatra, I would know that we were almost done. I am not a big Frank Sinatra fan, but I do love the song My Way. We would all sing it together. Now, as I get older, I find the words of that song coming back to me. Here's a section of the lyrics.

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

The ideas that this represent are how I want to live my life. I want to have as few regrets as I can. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Who doesn't? But when I look back on my life so far, I have few regrets.

I married young and I married to wrong man. But from that marriage I have my children.

I married again and he is truly all that anyone could ask for. He has sacrificed so many times for the kids and I. He gave up his career and worked part time for the last six years so that I could pursue my career. He was perfectly okay with six years of living frugally so that the kids could have one of us here. Now that the kids are older, he never says a word about having to start over in the work force. We literally do everything together. He is up for any adventure, be it a road trip or simply a trip to the grocery store.

Between the two of us, we have five children. None of them are perfect. Our parenting of them has not been perfect. We sit down together and make the best decision we can at the time. We have a good relationship with all five of the kids and that is what matters. There have been some rough patches and some misunderstandings but in the end, in the last 20 years there have been more smiles than tears, more laughter than anguish. That is all anyone can hope for.

Some people would like me to regret surrogacy, but I do not. I do not like to say that I grew five children through surrogacy. Rather I say that I helped make two families through surrogacy. When I get a picture of the family together, or better yet, a letter from the grandparent thanking me for the grandchild they never thought they would have, that to me is the truth of surrogacy.
There have been some rough moments, but in the end, surrogacy was such a huge part of me for the past five years. Surrogacy allowed me to give a gift that you cannot set a price on...for what is the price of family? I used to be a much more vocal advocate of surrogacy. When I got that rare negative comment, I felt a strong need to enlighten the person. Now I couldn't be bothered. As I get older, I realize that as long as I know in my heart who I am and those that love me know who I am, I don't care what others think.

So where will my life go now that surrogacy is not a part of it? I will continue to write, both in this blog and in other places. I simply love to write. I know that I'm not a great writer. I know that this blog opens me up to the criticism of others. But writing is an outlet for me, a way to express myself. So I will continue to blog, though I can't say for sure what I will blog about. While I ponder where life will lead me next, I will leave you with more from the great Frank Sinatra.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes it was my way

Mom brag

So I have mentioned a time or two that boy #2 is a fairly decent basketball player. I try to avoid the typical mom bragging thing but every now and then I just have to. How awesome is it that he and only a few other 8th graders in the whole town were asked to show up for the varsity/jv basketball open gym/practices at the high school with the high school kids. It's good for him because he gets to play against kids that are better than him and taller than him. I don't tell him because he would get a big head, but I think he just might achieve his dream of playing college basketball if he keeps going down this path and keeps growing. Did I mention that he's 5'10" tall? At age 13? Egads.

Ten things

I saw this on someone else's blog and thought it was a cool idea:

Ten things you don't know about me:
1. I speak Persian-Farsi (it's the language they speak in Iran).
2. I was a sharp shooter in the Army (and have the medal to prove it).
3. I am one of the few people on earth that actually loves my job.
4. I am married to the nicest man on the planet.
5. I make more money in one year at my job than I have on all three previous surrogacies combined. I am what is considered a low comp surrogate. I do it because I love it.
6. I would love to go on the show Survivor but you could not pay me to skydive.
7. Spiders make me scream like a sissy girl.
8. I rock at test taking. I got a perfect score on the ASVAB and scored pretty well on the MCAT also. In fifth grade I was part of a pilot program and took and passed the GED and the ACT. When I took the ACT in high school, I got the highest score in the state that year.
9. We have our own language at our house.
10. I firmly believe that carpet is the root of all evil, followed closely by Walmart.

Updates, news, and other sundry items

That's sounds promising right? Like maybe I have some good surrogacy news. Yeah not so much. I'm fairly sure I'm done. I do have some exciting non-cycling surrogacy news though. It's probably boring but it's exciting to me. I took some yearbook classes in high school and won some statewide awards for my writing. In addition, my maternal Aunt and my sister are published authors. So I've always played with writing, hence this blog. I also write for another source that draws writings from several writers. It is more of a website with articles than a blog. Anywho, I also write on the side. For many years Joe has tried to get me to write a book about surrogacy but that's just not me. There are private moments in surrogacy that are the best part and I don't feel like sharing those with anyone. A few months ago, however, I wrote an article that is sort of a guide to surrogacy for those who think surrogates are batshit crazy. It is funny and irreverent and yet in the end, the true essence of surrogacy shines through. I tweaked it and re-wrote sections and then sent it to my Aunt to proofread. After, I sent it to several sources and one of them has decided to publish it. It's a pretty big women's magazine and I am thrilled. Even better, they sent along a letter asking what other writing I might have. This is almost better than playing with my chemicals at work. So that's my surrogacy update. I am fairly certain that you could consider me retired from the actual carrying aspect of surrogacy but it's nice to know that I can continue to contribute to the surrogacy world.

There's not much else going on in the world. We are at that wonderful time of year when both boys need new glasses or contacts, dental checkups, and physicals. We are almost done with all of those thankfully.

Off to scrounge of dinner for the hooligans. They are starving as usual.

It must be a full moon

Because the crazies are out in force in the surrogacy world. Thankfully things at home are calm and wonderful so that kind of balances out the crazies. Let's see what I can update on.

Kids: Doing well. Boy #2 is growing like a weed. Boy #3 is getting ready to hit a growth spurt I think. Girl #2 is miserably pregnant and they are thinking she will be lucky to carry to 34 weeks. She is 32 weeks right now. Operation "spoil the heck out of the new grandbaby" is about to commence very soon. Yay. Girl #1 is married though I'm not sure it's happily. Lots going on with her. I feel bad for her but in the end, I think she's made some bad choices and is having to deal with the consequences of them. She's an adult and that's what happens sometimes. Boy #1 is doing as well as can be expected. We are hoping that his eyes are being opened and that he's dealing with the consequences of his actions. Who knows though.

Spent all day yesterday cleaning out a room in the back house for Girl #2 to use as her master bedroom. That led to re-arranging the basement. We had no kids at home so we had a date night and then stayed up WAY too late worrying about things that I should learn to let go. Got up bright and early and went to work this morning. Back home now eating chocolate and trying to decide how to spend this glorious day.

Surrogacy wise I have nothing. I think I am retired. I am okay with being retired. I will continue on as I have been for another month but I think it's safe to say that I'm done. Arrivederci. Is it okay to say thank heavens? Got gorgeous pics of three of the surrobubs. They are growing so quickly.

Do you remember my blog post about the kkk member/wanna-be surro that ended up being banned by a black moderator? Read her account of the whole situation. Very funny.

http://thesmartness.com/smartone/2011/08/how-not-to-join-a-message-board.html

That's about how it went down. Kym is a wonderful writer. I remember when I used to write funny blog posts. Now they feel more like a daily itinerary and whine session. I need to work on that. :)

No one is listening to me

I almost wrote this post as a letter to my agency but decided to vent to my blog instead. No one is listening to me.


1. The guys insist I get New Life insurance even though my insurance has no surrogacy exclusion and has covered 3 surrogacies now, including one with hospital bed rest. But whatever, right. So I fill out the paperwork and find out that New Life doesn’t even cover any of the doctors in this area. So to be in compliance I would have to drive to St. Louis to deliver. St. Louis is 3 hours from my house. And not in the county that has the good judge for surrogacy. When I tell the guys this they either do not listen or do not care. I AM NOT DRIVING 3 HOURS IN A CAR IN LABOR.


2. I have been on lupron since the dawn of time. I am not bleeding completely on lupron. I need to be taken off lupron, put back on bcps and allowed to have a full bleed. Then we can restart the cycle. I am tempted to do this to myself but don’t want to defy doctors orders. So I just continue on the same stupid protocol that has not worked for 60 plus days now. Lupron makes me hungry and gain weight. But I’m on a weight loss challenge at work so I am exercising like a maniac and not eating much too just maintain my weight and barely lose a bit each week. Lupron also gives me insomnia. I have not slept in weeks. But the clinic is not listening. Or do they just not care?


3. The agency is nowhere to be found. I don’t know if they are busy or what but the only time I hear from them is when I email them every single damn month when the check is late.
I am tired of this. I don’t want to do this anymore. But I can’t just quit. My guys are counting on me. I don’t want them to have to start over. But I don’t think I’m ever going to suppress on this protocol. What should I do? How can I make people listen to me? I’m a 3x successful surrogate for heaven’s sake…why this time does no one want to listen?

And....

lining went from a 6 to a 10.8. While on Lupron. Commencing a new plan that will involve world domination by my ovaries because let's face it, these puppies can populate the world when pissed off.

On the home front (or I guess you would say the county jail front), the oldest boys public defender convinced him to plead guilty without any deal....he just pled guilty to everything. He got 10 years. Wow.

I have nothing else. Off to drown myself in a vat of chocolate.

Tomorrow's schedule

Get up at 5:15 am
Leave for monitoring at 5:30 am
Arrive at doctors office at 6:30 am
Find out that my estrogen is high and my lining is thick
Arrive at work at 7:45 am
Receive a shipment of my fifth vial of lupron this cycle.
Kill myself and anyone in my path.
Any questions?

Monitored

Estrogen high. Lining ok. Baby steps, right? Plan? Continue on lupron. Sure. Why the hell not. It's gotta work some time right? Right?

At the risk of

At the risk of sounding like the surrogate who cried AF, I think AF started this morning. I am scared to notify RE since I know he will send me for monitoring and after four times now, I don't want to hear that my lining is thick and my estrogen is high again. Can I just move to Canada? Oh wait...my guys are from Canada.

Yeah well

Still here.
Still on Lupron.
Nice of you to ask...day 56 of Lupron.
Still no AF.
Lupron makes me mean...so it's worth noting...still married.
Transfer should have been 14 days ago...the 2ww should be over.
Still here.
Still waiting.

Do you miss the baby?

Do you miss the baby? That is by far one of the most frequent questions I, as a surrogate, encounter from others. I can remember being a first time surrogate and having people ask me, while I was still pregnant, if I would miss the babies. I didn’t know the answer to that question at the time. As I sit here now, having completed three surrogacies and having delivered five full term, healthy surrogate babies, I finally have an answer to that question. Do I miss the baby? Yes. And no.

Yes, I miss the baby. Or rather I miss the idea of the baby. The smell of a newborn fresh from the bath. The feeling I get when a baby smiles at me for the first time. The feeling of utter peace that settles over me when I nurse a baby in the still of the night.

No, I don’t miss the baby. The utter exhaustion. The not being able to go anywhere without two bags, four totes and a plan of action. The utter lack of spontaneity in my life. My children are teenagers and the thought of starting over with a newborn causes me to experience something akin to a seizure.

For the first few weeks after I deliver a surrogate baby, my emotions run the gamut as I’m sure all surrogates emotions do. Hormones need to level out and readjust. My body needs to heal. All of the sudden I have gone from being a major player in an exciting, dramatic project to a bit player, and that takes a major adjustment. Because there is no baby at home, I find myself forgetting sometimes that I’m not pregnant. Once the hormones equalize and settle down, I can honestly say that I don’t miss the baby and I think most other surrogates feel the same way. What I do miss is the relationship with the parents. I have been incredibly lucky in that both sets of parents that I have carried for maintain a degree of contact with me. I get the pictures and emails and updates that make my heart swell with pride and love. But the relationship is different than when I was pregnant and I miss the degree of closeness we had. Lives move forward and I find that the surrogate pregnancy was just a moment in time.

So do I miss the baby? No. Do I miss that moment in time when I was pregnant with the baby? Yes. Do I miss the parents? Yes. Over time, those feelings subside and when I get pictures that are small outtakes of the life that I in a small way helped to create, the hole that is left by the ending of the surrogacy is more than filled. For when the surrogacy ends and the baby is passed from my arms to the arms of the parents that longed for him, a family is born.

This blog post is awesome.

I laughed out loud the entire time I read this. Very funny. Enjoy.

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

Wow, wow, and wow

It has been a crazy few days in the surrogacy world. Crazy enough that even I, the beacon of niceness and ignoring the trolls, was forced to call out someone on the public surrogacy board I belong to. I mean, I consider myself pretty tolerant but this poor misguided soul was posting on hate websites asking to meet with KKK members. Now I'm sorry if you find this exclusionist, but KKK members cannot be surrogates if I have any say in the matter. Now I realize that this girl will just hide her past, clean up her mouth, and go find some IPs that don't know that googling your future surrogate is always a good idea, even if they are pre-screened by a reputable agency. And I guess it's fair to say that just because you're a white supremacist, doesn't mean you can't grow babies with the best of them. But I certainly wouldn't want you growing my baby. I don't know whether venom is passed in utero (although I can verify that sarcasm is) but that's a chance I wouldn't want to take. So for the sake of future surrogates, I am making my exclusionary list of traits that in my ideal world would keep you from being a surrogate. (What else am I going to post about...my stupid ovaries are still in the "lets make babies" mode so I have no first person surrogacy news).
On to the list:

If you are _____________, then surrogacy is not for you.

1. a white supremacist
2. a black supremacist
3. only in it for the money
4. a four legged pigmy hippopotamus

That's it. See, I'm really not all that exclusionary. It's just that the KKK and white supremacists are so 1960's. Do they even make white sheets any more or do they hold their meetings in striped sheets?


UPDATE: She has been banned. Perhaps there is some justice in this world. And she was banned by a black moderator so there is definitely some karma in this world. All is good in my tiny corner again. Back to obsessing over when my hyperfertile ovaries will get the flipping hint....I want to make a baby from GAY men and they are not needed in the process so they should just shut the heck down already. I think they are insulted by the fact that they were concerned that at "gasp" the age of 39 my fertility might be declining.

Sick to my stomach

Some ladies that are very prominent in the surrogacy world have been basically selling babies and calling it surrogacy. It has the surrogacy world all aflutter. When I can calm down enough to post a more detailed and coherent account I will. For now, I will leave you with this link. It makes me ill. Surrogacy is beautiful. This was not surrogacy. It was not adoption. It was passing babies around for profit.
http://thesmartness.com/

We have 3

3 what you ask?

3 fudge cookies?
3 bacon cheeseburgers?
3 armadillos?

Nope.

3 frozen babies waiting on my recalcitrant ovaries to suppress so that we can thaw one at a time out and get this whole "rent-a-uterus" thing on the road. I am taking any and all "suppress already you damn stupid ovaries" prayers you have to offer.

But do we have frozen embies?

Last post was entitled we have eggs, hence the title of this post. The guys were supposed to find out on Sunday if they had any embies to freeze. I am hoping that they have not sent me an email because they are on vacation. I always think the worst when I don't hear from someone when I expect to. So in my crazy mind I'm now thinking that the guys have dumped me because my stupid hyperfertile ovaries won't suppress. 50 days on Lupron now...8 of those on real Lupron. Still waiting on AF. Still waiting on news of embryos. Have not heard from first IF in a year. Surrogacy is such a wonderful thing but it makes me feel so vulnerable. I always feel as if I am wearing my heart on my sleeve when it comes to surrogacy and a part of me wants to end this part of my life so that I can go back to guarding my emotions and not feeling so "exposed". I feel exposed to people's misunderstandings and hatred of surrogacy. I feel exposed to people's hatred of gay men and their lifestyles. I feel exposed to doubt about my body and what it is (or in this case isn't) doing. I wish my body would suppress so that I could get out of this eternal limbo and move on. I have taken up jogging and zumba again because I felt the need to be doing something. I feel like I'm at a total standstill in so many aspects of my life. It's as if I've taken a huge breath in and am waiting to let it out. I want to move forward or move on. I want to get to the happy part of surrogacy (and yes I realize how bratty that sounds). Unfortunately there's no way to make my cycle start and until it does, in limbo I will remain.

We have eggs

They retrieved 16 eggs from the egg donor yesterday. 12 were mature. 9 of those fertilized and the other 3 appear to be "maybe" fertilizing.

As for me, I started the real Lupron last night. I am so worried now that my body is going to fail the guys. I just don't understand why it won't work this time. This is my sixth cycle and every time before I have suppressed easily and quickly. I pray that this real Lupron will do the trick.

On a non-surrogacy note, Joe was finally hired back at work today, after being laid off for ten weeks. I am so thrilled. I was really starting to worry but was trying to remain calm about it.

I have already worked 45 hours this week and have to go in again tomorrow (Saturday) to work some more. Things are a'hoppin in the ethanol industry.

I will be back with the official report on grades and such of embryos in a few days. If you are the praying type, pray for suppressed ovaries. Heaven knows I need them.

Prayers....unanswered

Ovulated again. Through the Lupron. Plan? Continue on Lupron. Excellent. If you want me I will be drowning myself in the bathtub. Check back in in another month when I will supposedly bleed again and get to return to the doctor and get the same results. No faith in my body. No faith in the Lupron. By that point I will have been on Lupron for over 70 days. I hate myself.

Why do I feel like crying

Got an email today from the Swedish guys. They have decided to have another child. And will be using another surrogate. Which makes perfect sense...I'm not available anyway and they thought I was retired. It's not like I've been rejected. And yet I feel....REJECTED. When I think of another surrogate bonding with them, my big green monster tries to come out big time. But in the end, I am mostly just thrilled for them. They fought back against cancer and won. They are secure in their family. And they want to add on. What a wonderful thing. So yeah, I am crying. But I'm smiling through those tears. I always knew that my life would move away from them as time went on and it has. Now they are really moving on and while it feels a bit sad for me, for them it is wonderful. A new baby will be around and new babies are delicious.

Best case scenario, worst case scenario

So I am going Tuesday for a lining check. Best case, if my lining was thin and everything went perfect from here on out, I could be transferring at the end of August. Worst case, if nothing goes right, transfer could be October or never. Who knows. I have everything crossed for good results.

Hallelujah

We have AF. I emailed the clinic. I am thinking that we will do a check late this week or early next week to see if my lining is gone. Please, please, please, pray for no lining and low estrogen numbers.

We have started a fitness challenge at work. It was optional, yet mandatory (anyone who works for a large company will understand this). Anywho, I weighed in Friday afternoon. It lasts 10 weeks and I figure if I get pregnant, that would be a perfect excuse to gain weight, right? I have gotten off to a great start, eating my weight in chocolate for each of the last two days. Go me. I weighed in at 2 pounds above my prepregnancy weight so that's not actually too bad. If I can drop those 2 pounds then I will be right back where I started....just in time to do it all again. Woo hoo.

Boy #2

This is boy #2 at basketball camp. Getting his trophy. For outstanding camper or in basketball language, MVP. He is an awesome kid...not because he's good at basketball but because he has a dream and is not scared to put the work in to achieve it. He plays every single day and has an awesome attitude. We are very proud of him.

Could it be?

I have spotting. It is not enough to proclaim this to be day 1 yet but it is spotting for the first time in a few weeks. If it continues and gets heavier, I will email the clinic on Monday and tell them that Saturday was day 1. Trying to be hopeful.

Anyone wanna listen to me ramble?

This will probably turn into a long rambling post that makes no sense. Just fair warning up front.

On the message board I belong to, there's a common misperception that surrogates have all the "power" in the surrogacy arrangement while the Intended Parents (IPs) have all the money in the relationship. Which in itself is a weird conclusion since in most of our society, money = power.

I, however, don't agree with either one of those perceptions. I don't consider myself to have any "power" in surrogacy. Nor do I see the IPs have having power. We are two (or three) people thrown together, by choice, into an awesome/frightening/incredible adventure. Now some would say that the IPs are not there by choice. But they are. Now granted, infertility is not a choice. Obviously they would prefer if they could in some way have their own child. Infertility bites. Having to use a surrogate to have your child bites. But that is just part of surrogacy and it is neither sides "fault". So yes, surrogacy is a choice by all parties. I could choose to not be a surrogate. IPs could choose adoption, childlessness, surrogacy, etc.

As to the common misconception that surrogates are poor and IPs are rich, what a stupid thing to assume. Perhaps the IPs have saved for years and years. And even if they are well off, 100,000 dollars is alot of money, and that is what the average surrogacy costs, once you add up the surrogate fee, clinic fees, medical copays, egg donor fees, medications, etc. Even if I had a million bucks in the bank, it would still hurt to part with 100,000 grand of it, even if it was to fulfill my dream of having a child. I have never thought of any of my IPs as rich. When we go out to eat, we take turns covering the ticket. It makes me uncomfortable to know that when I travel to the transfer, my IPs are picking up the tab. In fact the whole money issue makes me uncomfortable.

I also find it ridiculous that surrogates try to order what they want in a relationship up front. They sound like they are picking car accessories from a menu. "I want contact x number of times a year, and friendship, and a stereo." How can anyone know up front what the relationship will evolve into? I love my relationship with my Swedish guys but that relationship is the product of a lot of time spent together, a lot of texts, al ot of trust on both sides, and the fact that we are all decent people. I know how lucky I got when I matched with them and I dare say they know how lucky they got when they matched with me. My relationship with my first IF is not close at all but that is ok too. In reality, I am a stranger that grew his children. The Swedish guys and I chose to be family. My first and IF chose not to be. And that is ok. How will it be with my Canadian guys (assuming I ever get out of Lupron hell and move on to cycling?)? Who knows? How ridiculous it seems to me to try to force a relationship. Every time Circle asks me what kind of relationship I want after the surrogacy is completed I tell them the same thing. I am comfortable with whatever the relationship evolves into. And that is the only genuine answer that I think either party can give. If I end up with more family at the end of this journey, great. I can always use more family. If I end up with some close friends, great. If I end up with acquaintances, great. And if I end up with nothing, that is okay too. The only thing that all parties to a surrogacy can do is be honest, open, and hang on for the ride. There is no way to predict the end result or the relationship.

So what is the point of all this rambling? I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of this illusion that there is a divide in surrogacy, with the IPs on one side and the surrogates on the other. In most surrogacies, that is not the case at all. Most surrogates feel that they are receiving as much from surrogacy as they are giving (and no I'm not talking about compensation). I personally feel that surrogacy has enriched my life in so many ways that I'm the one that should be saying thank you to my all of my IFs. It makes me sad and angry to see how many people misunderstand surrogacy. It is such a beautiful thing.

Cricket noises

Cricket noises can be heard throughout the land. And in my uterus. I am having no hope that AF is around the corner or even in the next county. Day 80 billion on Lupron (give or take a few). End nowhere in sight. Lovely.

Ask and you shall receive

Email to clinic: (paraphrased a bit but you get the idea) Hey. remember me. Girl going crazy on 10 units of lupron since 6/25. Yeah. That's right. 31 days of it. Plans? Do we have any? 'Cause lupron makes me mean. And I'm already mean by nature. And lupron makes me hungry. I ate a whole cheesecake yesterday. And lupron makes me fat. My fat pants are tight. So yeah....hmmmm...plans?

Email back: stay on lupron until you get a period. Will reasses.

Go to my friend Mr. Google. He says that you will not get a period on lupron. I know you get one at the beginning of an IVF cycle and you are on lupron then, but your period is triggered by stopping your bcps. I am not on bcps. Hmmm. So yeah....what will make me bleed? Hope? Anger? Cheesecake?

Loving surrogacy. Loving it. If my family lives through another month of me on Lupron, we just might make it to transfer. But I doubt it since I have to bleed and I haven't bled. Was told last week that if they wanted me to bleed they would induce it with provera. Now this week, apparently, my super magical special uterus can be induced to bleed without provera. Go me. Off to kill myself now. More later.

Perhaps

Maybe, just maybe, I will hear something from the RE this week. I kind of thought I might get a schedule last week and know when my next lining check would be but I didn't hear from them, other than a phone call on Wed to tell me to stay on 10 units of Lupron. I am thinking that we will maybe do a lining check late in the week or early the following week and if I am suppressed we can move forward. I still think I need to bleed more since my lining is hanging out around 6 and I know they are wanting it to be more like a 3. Can your lining go down without bleeding? I can't imagine that it could but I'm really not sure. Gotta love how surrogacy can make you feel like a newbie even after 3 successful surrogacies and five transfers.

A link

Here's a great story about gay marriage. Their baby was carried by a fellow surrogate on the message board I belong to. Enjoy.

http://www.lohud.com/article/20110723/NEWS02/107230342/For-Rye-couple-gay-marriage-law-brings-another-do-

And the plan is:

to continue on the same dose of the same crappy Lupron hoping that it will eventually supress me. When I asked if they were going to induce a bleed because my lining is still thick the answer was maybe. Brilliant plan. So I guess we continue on as before. Oh and I ordered more Lupron today and had to pay for it myself because that is the policy with refills now. Brilliant. Loving surrogacy right now. All the bad side effects of lupron with none of the intended results. Loving it. Onward and upward. We will get there some day.

Well

Lupron didn't work. Ovulated through it. Lining is thickening. Released 3 follicles. So much for fertility decreasing at age 38...my body knows exactly what it is supposed to do and it is doing it...Lupron be damned. So they are going to retrieve the ED, make the embies, and freeze them. My body will be reset and we will start over. I anticipate a FET around Sept or Oct if the Lupron works this time and supresses me. We shall see. Meanwhile I'm going to do whatever I can which includes really cleaning up my eating. I am going to go vegetarian (plus chocolate....please don't make me give up my chocolate) and increase my exercise to see if that helps. I am already drinking gobs of water. I am waiting on instructions from the RE but until then, I am staying on the 10 units of Lupron that is wreaking havoc on my body. Go me. Urgh. Oh well. At least I don't have to feel bad about delaying the ED any more. More to follow when I find out what's up.

More bloodwork

Again. Same bloodwork. Again. Today at 4:15. Almost out of Lupron so let's hope everything is good and I can lower the dose. No results until tomorrow since the appointment is so late. Pray for good news or really bad news....I just can't stand another week on 10 units of Lupron.

Back

from the wilds of rural MO. Lining is still thick. Estrogen is still high. Cycle is still delayed. More bloodwork Tuesday along with another lining check. If everything is not ok by that point then I'm going to ask to just cancel the cycle and restart. I have been on 10mL of Lupron for a month now and the headaches are becoming unbearable.

Gone baby gone

Signing out now for a week. Won't be back into the internet world for the next week. I plan to get sand in every crevice and relax and enjoy my family. Can't wait (although that sand crevice thing might be a smidge uncomfortable). See you on the other side. :)

Get over it

Warning....warning.....Small rant ahead.

I am going to make a t-shirt. It is going to say

I am a surrogate for GAY MEN
GET OVER IT

I am going to wear said shirt everywhere. To mass. To Catholic school functions. To work. To the grocery store and the library and the bowling alley and every damn place I go. And maybe, ten years from now, when the shirt is old and dirty and holey, people will finally get the heck over it. Because you know what, I'm not gonna stop carrying babies for gay men. Even when I am retired, I will still be a surrogate for gay men in my heart.

Rant over.

The fat lady is warming up

Lining was still a six. If I had to guess I would say that that is too thick. We shall see what the clinic says but I would say we are done for this cycle. Not sure where we go from here. Oh well. Time will tell.

Follow up

Follow-up lining check is tomorrow bright and early. They wanted it to be next week but we are out of town all week on vacation so that is not possible. I had my first check on Wednesday and my lining was an 8. I continued to bleed (though not heavily at all) the rest of Wednesday. I spotted a bit on Thursday and just a tiny bit today. So as much as I hope that my lining is thin in the morning, I don't expect it to be. I just don't see how I could have lost 8mm of lining. I was stupid and did not ask the clinic how thin it needs to be to start estrace. I would assume between a 2 and a 4 but I don't know. I am supposed to ask the clinic what the measurement is when I am there tomorrow. I will then email this measurement to my clinic and they will give me instructions. My estrogen was a bit high but not horribly so...it is my understanding that my estrogen level won't delay the cycle but my lining will.

So I guess tomorrow morning I will know the fate of this cycle to a certain extent but not really since if things don't look good I am not sure what they will do about the egg donor and her window of only one week. Oh well. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. And meanwhile I am less than 48 hours away from my first vacation in years so even if the monitoring clinic tells me that my lining is now a 17.4 and there's a polar bear in there, I don't think it will bring me down for long. (No...I'm not really that nonchalant about it...I want my body to do the right thing so that it does not mess this up for everyone else...just trying to think positively.)

Uh oh

Longer post later but to sum it up:
Lining did not shed enough
Estrogen is still too high
Cycle is scrubbed

I have been reading alot of surros having this reaction because we are all getting our Lupron from a pharmacy that compounds it themselves and it is not right. But it could also be that I am old and my body is old and tired. Who knows. Waiting for instructions since I know ED had only one window. I think there are several possibilities:

1. They will retrieve the ED, freeze the eggs and we will do a FET
2. They will scrub us both and wait for her next window which is like December
3. They will find a new surro super fast and use her with this ED in this window

I am ok with any of those. Whatever works best and gets the guys the baby they are dreaming of. Off to work.

Into week 2

Of p90x that is. So far so good. I really love the legs and back workout and the kenpo workout. I endure the arms and back workouts because of how strong they make my arms. Someday I really need to concentrate on my eating so that my arms can be more cut. A fellow surro has awesome arms that are so cut...but somehow I doubt that she eats her weight in chocolate every single day. You can see her arms here: http://denisek.wordpress.com/ Pretty cute baby bump too. :0)

Once again we have no kids this weekend. Three out of the last four weekends have been kid free. It feels really really strange.

I have to work tomorrow on the holiday but I'm not complaining. I get double time for the time I am there (about 4 hours) and I get my holiday pay for 8 hours. So basically I work for 4 hours and get paid for 16. You won't hear me complaining. Joe is laid off this summer and while money is not tight, I am definitely not turning down any chances to make a few extra bucks at work.

Off to walmart to find a swimsuit that does not ride up or make me look fat. This should be interesting.

We have AF

My last BCP was Thursday and AF arrived this morning. The timing is perfect since the bleeding should be almost done by Wednesday when I have my date with the weenie wand, and will be completely gone when we leave on vacation in a little over a week. Woo hoo. So far the old gray mare is reacting well. Let's just hope the ovaries are quiet. I was woken up last night by my left ovary twinging and that usually means that I ovulated. How on earth I could ovulate through Lupron and BCPs I have no idea....but then I am hyper fertile.

Off to find something to do indoors. It is beastly hot here (last time I checked the temperature outside was 98 and the humidity is sky high too). Love living in the armpit of the nation. Love it. It's beastly in the summer, frozen in the winter, and best of all, inhabited by narrow minded individuals that actually believe they are being Christ-like as they spew their hatred of gays, surrogates, and any other topic that their country music has not educated them about. (BTW, Lupron makes me mean...can ya tell).

First monitoring appointment

Next week I go and have my lady bits inspected by the evil Dr. G. to make sure that the lupron has succeeded in putting me into menopause and quieting my ovaries. If it has, then I will lower my lupron and start enormous amounts of estrogen. I hate my monitoring doctor. This is the glorious jerk that told me after my last transfer that my uterus was thin and would rupture and I would die. Completely freaked me out until I realized he really just doesn't like surrogates. (How can you be a RE and not like surrogates...seriously?) Anywho, I can't wait to see him and tell him that my poor thin uterus carried an almost 8 pound baby to 41 weeks and endured hours of senseless labor before being cut again. He thinks I'm only in surrogacy for the money, in spite of the fact that he knows that I'm a chemist and make more in six months at my job than I do in a year of surrogacy. Oh well. To each his own. I am prepared for his doom and gloom this time. If he gets snotty and says I'll die at any moment, I will tell him that that's fine, my funeral is fully planned and I have scads of life insurance for my family and my IFs.

Every muscle aches

So I've continued to work out...I just haven't been doing p90x. So why is it that after one lousy p90x workout and a long bike ride, every muscle in my body aches. Including my abs. Does this mean I just have to continue to cycle through p90x for the rest of my life to stay in shape? Because obviously doing my walking and biking and pushups did not keep me in shape in between rounds of p90x. How depressing. I like variety in workouts and to think that ten years from now the only way I'll be in shape is to be on round 31 of p90x makes me want to cry.

On the menu today

Well first up we will be fixing the holes in the back house walls that my wonderful son made during his drunken/drugged stay there. I patched the four small ones with mesh last night. Today we will patch the three body sized ones.

Then...wait for it....we are finally starting round 2 of p90x. We have taken a 3 month break and done alot of outside exercise. Now we are ready to jump back in. We will have to take a week off for vacation in July as there are no televisions where we are heading. And we will take a few days off when we go for transfer and for a few days after transfer we will have to just do arms and legs...no jumping or anything strenuous. So here we go. My goal this time is to tone up those lower abs as much as possible. I know they will never be tight again but hopefully they can be a smidge tighter than they are now. I am finally at my pre-pregnancy weight (just in time to start the glorious weight addition drug lupron) but I need to tone more.

Sick as a dog

Well I guess the stress finally got to me. I got a belly bug and a horrendous cold all together. I continued to work all week and bulled my way through but now that it is Friday afternoon, I am so happy to be at home, laying down and vegging. Updates:

1. The boy is still in jail. I will not bail him out. I am so happy that we had already kicked him out several months before he was arrested. He calls daily and we write him and he writes us. How sad is it that I only have contact with him when he's in trouble.

2. My last day at work is August 20th. Notice is turned in. I don't know what the future may hold for me....I just know that there has to be more to life than working 50 hours a week and never seeing my family. DH has agreed that if we both work 30 to 40 hours a week it will be the same as me currently working 50 and him working 10. We will lose a chunk of income but amazingly, the tax benefits will almost completely make up for the lost income.

3. I start lurpon injections tomorrow. Transfer is approaching. These bcps suck because my period has been spotting right through the darn things. My body really doesn't like extended periods of bcps and really wants a full period. I think I stop bcps in early July so only a few more weeks of telling my body that it can't bleed yet.

4. Boy #2 has yet another basketball tournament this weekend...his next to last one.

5. Vacation is approaching super quick.

6. The weather here is gorgeous. 70's and sunny. Doesn't get any better than that. :)

Wow what a week

This past week has been insane...and not all in a good way. Allow me to re-cap.

Last weekend, DH and I had no kids so we went to the zoo. We walked around for hours and it gave us a glimpse of what life will be like after the kids are grown. I think we both liked that glimpse. DH has been a parent for 20 years and I have for 18. By the time we are "done" (yeah I know...you are never really done) but but the time they are all 18, DH will have parented for 25 years and I for 23. And we have five kids. Egads.

Speaking of never being done, fast forward to Wednesday. DH went with girl #2 who is 20 weeks preggo to find out the sex of our first grandchild. (This is the same daughter that lost twins at 19 weeks last year...and yes I get that those are my grandkids too, it's just easier to say that this is our first rather than saying this is our first living. Not trying to forget those two or be insensitive). Anywho, she found out that she's having a girl (Oh the pink that I'm gonna buy). That evening she and her boyfriend got into a huge fight, precipitated I think by his extremely cold feet...which were precipitated by his actually seeing the baby on the ultrasounds. Anywho he kicked her out and she moved in with us. Sure, yeah, why not, right? The more the merrier. We began fixing up the back house for her to move into (she moved in there last night....thank you Heavenly Father for giving me my own house back). Did I mention that she babysits? So for a few days we had her and a crabby nine month old. But hey, she's our kid and she's trying to do right. She starts college in the fall and we were going to babysit anyway...this just means the baby will be right out my back door.

That same night, boy #1, who we kicked out for good a few months ago and had not heard from in many months, was finally arrested for a charge that might earn him some jail time. I know it sounds bad to be wishing for jail but I just don't know what else will get through to him. We have tried absolutely everything else and now that he's an adult, we don't see him or have anything to do with him because of the horrible choices he is making. I hate to think of him in jail but the way he is going he will be dead in less than a year. I have not heard from him since he was arrested. I do know he has a fairly high bond and I don't think he'll be able to post it but you never know. The people he was "working" for have deep pockets and if they want him out, he'll get out.

Like I said...not a great week but yet it was. girl #2 is alive and well and so is grandbaby #1 (or 3). Boy #1 is safe and sober for the first time in a LONG time.

Not much else to tell. We are dog sitting this weekend. This is a basketball weekend. We go on vacation in a few weeks. In less than 2 months I am transferring. I won't put an exact date yet because I don't like to advertise when we will be out of town. Daycare is arranged for the kids and DH and I are relishing a few days out of town together. That's about it. DH is still laid off from work but will hopefully be starting back about when the kids go to school.

Progress

So:

1. I don't have hypothyroidism. Yay.
2. We have a calendar. Transfer is approaching.

Calendar this week?

I was originally supposed to get a calendar this week. I'm not sure if that is still the case since my tsh was high....they said that that won't cause an issue but I think it might delay things a bit. We'll see. Excited to get a calendar and interested to see if my bloodwork comes back normal or high again.

Working it out

Consents are fixed. Additional bloodwork is drawn. Freaking out has diminished. More to follow.

The heebie-jeebies

This surrogacy is really starting to freak me out.

1. The agency wants me to get Lloyds insurance even though my insurance has covered 3 surrogacies without blinking. I don't want to fill out the form because of page 9... which states I will let Lloyds choose which providers I use. So I've been sitting on this form for two weeks. I'm not going to fill it out. If that ends the match, so be it.

2. The egg donor can only retrieve a certain week. It is much sooner than I expected.

3. I got consents in the mail today. One of them I'm just supposed to sign but it's not filled out and it's the consent to deviate from the fda established screening criteria for the donor. Um.....in what way do they need to deviate and why? I'm so not into getting a disease here.

4. My TSH is elevated for the first time ever. I believe this is caused by many pregnancies. It is not super elevated and is not a big deal...I take some meds, get preggo, and go on. But still, it's just another flag waving at me.

5. The guys are distant. Yes, I know they are busy. And in person they were great. But I still hear from my Swedish guys weekly if not more frequently about the twins and Aurora. Do I really want to go back to what I had with my first match?

So yeah...I have the heebie-jeebies. I feel like something is really trying to tell me to just walk away.

Plan of action is:
1. Repeate bloodwork to see if TSH is actually high.
2. DO NOT sign up with Lloyds
3. Email to figure out what is up with donor
4. Try to get excited about all this. It just feels rushed and wrong though

We have dates

Tentative dates anyway. Wow. Guess I passed my screening.

Screening trip

Let me start at the beginning. I left on Thursday from work and drove to the airport. I flew to Detroit, had a layover, and then flew into White Plains. I have to say that I love the White Plains airport. I got my rental car and drove some of the curviest roads imaginable to get to the Merritt and then was set. Or so I thought. I got onto 25 and was supposed to get off at exit 3s. No biggie. Except road construction had 3s closed. No biggie, I just got off at exit 2 and turned around, thinking I would get off on exit 3 from the northbound lanes. But there was no exit 3s or 3 or anything. So I drove for a bit trying to figure out what to do. I got off at exit 9, planning to turn around and go back southbound but ther was no entrance for southbound. So I went a bit west and thought I would turn around and go back east and then north. Confused yet? So was I. Finally after driving aimlessly for a few minutes I called my hubby and asked if my phone had GPS. Nope. Finally I stumbled back upon highway 25, got off at exit 2, found a walgreens in a complete ghetto, got lost in downtown Bridgeport, and then managed to stumble upon my motel 3 hours later. Shot nerves...yeah you might say that.

The next morning I was using the computer in the lobby and saw two men staring at me. I thought they looked really familiar and might be my IFs but I was not sure and didn't want to approach them. What could I say, "Hi. Are you guys gay? And canadian? And headed for invasive medical testing?" Yeah I don't think so. (It was them by the way).

I went and had my screening and passed (pending bloodwork). My uterus looks great according to Dr. D. The guys and I then went out to eat and we talked for a bit. I really like the alot. They want a sibling in a few years but I seriously doubt I will be the carrier for that. In spite of the fact that the old gray mare is aging well, she is still old and gray and there are limits. Plus Dr. D made it blatantly clear that while everything looks great, he would not approve me for another journey after this...I am 39 and simply too old. Great Dr. D....thanks for that. The time machine has finally caught up with the old gray mare it seems and it is almost time to put her out to pasture. Oh well. I have many other adventures ahead.

My flight home on Friday was at 6:30. I was heading to the airport at 4 when AA called and cancelled my flight. I pulled off the Merritt and luckily was right across the street from the motel that my Swedish guys and I had stayed at last time. I got a room for the night and flew out Saturday morning. After a rain delay in Chicago, I am finally home. Hopefully bloodwork turns out OK and we can get this show on the road. I am still thinking a September transfer.

Off to see the wizard

Tomorrow I have to work 4 hours and then I'm off to the airport. Layover in Detroit, arriving in NY early evening. Meeting the IFs the next day, saying hi to my friends at CFA, sharing pics of the ESBs and the ESS, getting the lady bits inspected, lunch with the IFs, then back to the airport. Arrive back home at 2am on Saturday. Basketball tournament Saturday and Sunday, followed by another week of work. Such is life. Hope the old gray mare passes. :)

Getting excited

I know, I know...it's just a med screening. And I know, I know...I am old and decrepit and might not pass. But I am still excited to go. I will get to meet the guys, have some invasive testing of the lady bits, and have enough blood drawn to feed a group of vampires for a week. What's not to like about that? Do I know how to vacation or what?

Will I never learn?

I'm a "natural" girl. In general, I don't go for waxing or shaving of the nether regions. But for some unknown reason, every time I traipse east to have my nether regions approved by Dr. D, I feel the need to trim the hedges so to speak. And without fail, every time, I get a rash from shaving areas that are unaccustomed to being shaved. Said rash then turns into pimples. So without fail I present Dr. D. with a pimply ass every time I see him. Will I never learn? Doesn't look like it. Two weeks ago I shaved the nether regions, hoping against hope that either there would be no ensuing rash, or that if there was a rash it would disappear in time. No such luck. Leaving in four days, complete with rashy ass. This doctor must think I am hygenically challenged or just plain stupid. Sigh.

We have AF

The old gray mare is still functioning correctly for the moment. AF has arrrived. Will start BCP on Thursday. Fly to CT a week from Thursday. I am flying into White Plains, NY this time since I'm traveling alone and I hate navigating out of LaGuardia on my own. We'll see how we like this airport.