Thursday, October 20, 2011

Where have I gone?

Years and years ago, when I was a young pup (aka a teenager) I used to look in the mirror and wonder who I was. Things in my life were changing so quickly and some days I couldn't seem to find myself. Other days I knew exactly where I was but just didn't much like what I was seeing. I think that everyone feels that way as a teenager and that discombobulated feeling is just part of growing up. It stunk but I always believed that I would find myself and my way and end up where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be.

Now, as an surrogate at the end of my surrogacy road, I feel some of those same feelings. Surrogacy has consumed my free time for years. It's been an integral part of my life and still is in some ways. I still receive updates on the five children that I helped bring into the world. I still help other surrogates out by mentoring and giving advice and just being an ear. But I find my role in the surrogacy community changing and while that's great, it's also uncomfortable in the same way that any change is uncomfortable. I find myself feeling the same way that I feel when a surrogacy first ends....wondering, "what's next" and wondering what the next phase of my life will bring. For so many years now the answer to that question has been, "another surrogacy after getting back into shape." I don't think that is the answer anymore and so I find myself at a bit of a loss.

In the past, I used this blog to pour out my feelings and emotions regarding surrogacy. In the past I would have been writing about this emotional journey I am on in the same way I wrote about my previous surrogacy journies. Now I just don't feel comfortable doing that. Bear with me while I find my way in this strange new world.

So what's up with my life other than soul searching and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up (other than a mad scientist)?

I am going to teach a chemistry class at my sons' school soon. I have been a substitute teacher at the middle school and the local Catholic school before but this will be the first time that I am planning the class, building the lesson, and teaching it. It's very hands on and designed to show the kids how cool chemistry can be. I tend to get nervous in front of groups but I love chemistry so I'm thinking that I won't be this time. We shall see.

I took a business trip recently. Drove 600 miles in one day. It was a LONG day but I had a good time and learned alot and gave a presentation without stumbling over my words and getting nervous. Could it be that I'm finally growing comfortable in my own skin?

Kids are all doing well. Boy #2 got invited to a tryout for an AAU traveling basketball team. He's very excited since this has been his dream for awhile. Not sure he'll make the team but he might. He has been working out with the high schoolers for awhile and this summer he has been asked to play with the high school traveling team which is a pretty big deal since it will be the summer before his freshman year and freshmen very rarely travel with this team. Just to not seem completely like a sports mom, he also has straight A's at Catholic school.

Boy #3 also continues to do well. He got his grades up and is ungrounded again. He is such a happy kid and a real ray of sunshine. He's definitely our most helpful kid too, always willing to lend a hand.

Girl #1 has had her job for three years. She works with mentally disabled adults and is basically a caretaker. One of the residents in the home she works in passed away yesterday. She has been caring for him for her entire three years so she is pretty upset.

Girl #2 is turning into a great mother. We are really proud of the way she has turned her life around. She has done alot of hard work on herself in the last six months and really grown up. She went back to college less than a week after having the baby and continues to get good grades there, even while taking care of a newborn. Speaking of newborns, the grandbaby is doing well. She is on soy formula and cranky alot but she is so adorable. I think she is wearing her mom and dad out but we have fun with her. The two boys just adore her.

Boy #1 seems to be on a better road finally. I pray for him and write to him but this truly is a journey he has to make on his own. I love him and don't want him to think that I don't support him but as I've told him repeatedly, I don't condone drugs or drinking and simply won't tolerate it in our lives. This has been such a long hard road for all of us and I pray for the day that we can all be together again as a family. Hoping and praying and being there to listen is all I can do. He has to do the hard work.

Hubby is still not working. We are broke but the house is clean and the kids are happy so all is well. Hopefully he'll be called back to his original job soon. He's been laid off from there since the end of May though so who knows. He never filed for unemployment because he thought that he would be called back quickly so we have truly been living on my income only since late May. The positive is that we've learned to live very frugally. I know we will both feel better when he finds a part time job of some sort. Ideally he could work four hours a day or so and still be here for the kids. We'll see what he finds.

That is it for me. Prayers are going out for several friends who are transferring in the next week. May their uteri (plural of uterus?) be welcoming and their betas be high.

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