Sunday, December 30, 2012

Goodbye 2012, hello 2013

33 weeks pregnant today.  I saw the OB on Thursday and all was well.  I've had a strange rash for a week or so and was worried it might be PUPPS, which I've never had.  Thankfully it is simply my body's reaction to the strep and is starting to clear up.  Yay.  Otherwise I'm still healthy as a horse...bp was 102/64, weight gain was 23 pounds and urine was clear of protein and glucose.  Just chugging along.  We did go ahead and schedule the c-section so the guys could plan and buy plane tickets.  We got a date pretty close to my due date so hopefully the baby will be fully cooked by then and ready to come out.  I'm not at all thrilled at the thought of the spinal when not being in labor but hey, if I learned anything last time, it's that my preferences in labor don't really matter as long as we end up with a healthy baby and an alive surrogate at the end. 

It's that time of year...time to make New Year's Resolutions.  I guess I could say it is my resolution to move on from surrogacy but that is going to happen regardless of if I want it to or not (for the record...I want it to) so that's kind of cheating.  My typical one is to eat out less.  We still eat out way too frequently and there's really no reason for it.  I try to keep quick meals on hand for those nights we don't get home until 9pm or later (this happens more and more frequently lately) but I still get lazy and run through the drive through.  That has to stop.  Healthwise it is not good.  I also want to get back into exercising and run another 5K.  Since at this point I can hardly walk a mile without breathing heavy, courtesy of the cold and the Canadian, that should be an interesting one.  I guess my biggest resoultion would be to finally bite the bullet and do something about my work situation.  I have a plan for that and I know what I want and need to do...I just know how tremendously hard it will be to follow through with it.  Let's see if I grow some gonads between now and March because I can't go on the way I have been. 

The kids are all well.  The surrobubs are all well.  Life is good.  Resuming the holding pattern until mid February. 

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Time is slipping away

It suddenly hit me that in 8 weeks or less I will be done being pregnant forever.  In 8 weeks or less I will have helped to complete another family.  That will make six surrogate babies completing three families.  Six sets of grandparents who never thought they would be grandparents.  Five men who are fathers even when they were told that the odds of a gay man being a biological father were slim. 

It is a bittersweet feeling for me.  The pregnancy has flown and has been more good than bad.  I will miss the Canadian in the same way I miss Cletus, the ESB's and Fred and George (way too much to go into to explain the code names for the previous surrobabes).  I will miss being pregnant.  I will miss surrogacy, which has been such a huge part of my life for so many years.  I know it sounds cheesy but I honestly feel like surrogacy has been my way to make a difference in the world.  Now, in addition to the usual "what now" feelings that follow any surrogacy, there will be a huge "what now" as in "what do I do to feel relevant now that surrogacy is gone".  Now don't get me wrong...I know I am's just that surrogacy has been such a huge part of my life.  Moving on from it is scary in a way, just like any major change in life is scary. 

However life goes on.  There are new adventures to be had, vacations to take that don't revolve around embryo transfers, new job adventures to pursue now that I won't be tied to my job for the awesome "no surrogacy exclusion" insurance.  We have five children we are anxious to watch complete their journey's to adulthood and two grandchildren that are starting on theirs. 

As I said, it's bittersweet.  I don't want to let go of this time in my life but I know I must and I know that once I get through the next few weeks I will be ready for the change.  It is easier this time than with Aurora...I'm not hoping for a VBAC, I am ok with a scheduled c-section (though not before 39 or 40 weeks...sorry docs my body takes the whole 40 weeks to bake babies for some reason).  The guys are not coming in until 39 weeks or the scheduled section date because they are only a few hours away by plane instead of a 20 hour flight.  I won't be a watched kettle this time. 

So here's to endings and new new life and to the closing of one door leading to the opening of another. 

Friday, December 21, 2012

My kingdom for a new pair of lungs

On Tuesday evening the Canadian and I came down with a cold.  So when you have a cold you muddle through and drink fluids and drink chicken noodle soup.  Wednesday we went to work and my coworker got sick.  She wound up in the hospital that night for diverticulitis.  She is still there.  Thursday rolls around and I am at work and, no exaggeration, I thought I was dying.  Could not take a deep breath.  Coughing up blood.  Literally just sicker than I have ever been in my life.  And we were having a blizzard.  So I finally left work at 1pm (please note that this is the first time in 5 1/2 years I have ever left work early for illness) and finally made it home around 2pm after the blizzard commute from hell.  I got in bed and was just miserable.  I called the hubster and asked him to come home from work to take care of me (something I have never done in 10 years of marriage...even after the c-sections he goes back to work the next day).  Anywho I finally gave up Thursday night and went to urgent care.  Diagnosis?  Influenza B, pnuemonia, ear infection and strep. that explains a tiny of bit of why I felt so bad.  Of couse Friday I had to go back to coworker is still in the hospital.  I think I have finally turned the corner, or at least I hope I have.  My chest still feels like an elephant is sitting on it and my lungs are on fire but I felt 100 times better than yesterday. 

Here's to getting better and here's to them figuring out how to fix my coworker. 

Friday, December 7, 2012


I spent all day today shopping with my husband.  We got all the X-mas shopping done and as we were driving home I realized how utterly exhaused I am by my life right now.  I indulged in a bit of self pity and was frankly wallowing and then I read this:

It brought back the day that I had the ultrasound with Samantha and was told she would die shortly after birth.  It made me realize how good my life is and how bad it could be.  It made me ashamed of my wallowing.  And it made me hurt so badly for Bernadette.  No one should lose a child.  But even worse, no one should know ahead of time they will lose a child.  It is excrutiating.  It is wrong.  It leaves you broken and even if it has been more than 17 years since my own personal broken moment, I remember it well.  I'm so sorry Bernadette.  I wish things could be different. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Ramblings from the 3rd trimester

Wow...we are in the home stretch of this pregnancy and it is just flying.  I finally have another OB appt next week.  I won't confess how long it's been since I've seen the OB but suffice it to say it's been awhile.  I kept hoping my OB would come back from maternity leave and I wouldn't have to see her parter but no such luck.  Let's hope he is nice.  Even if he isn't, the appointments last all of 2 minutes. 

The pregnancy is going well.  I have gained too much weight but oh well.  It will all come off after and since this is the last time I will be pregnant I will have forever to lose the weight and get back in shape. 

On a somewhat pregnancy related note, we had open enrollment for benefits at work yesterday.  For several years now we have gone with a health insurance plan that has an 8,000 dollar deductible.  It still cost me an arm and a leg in premiums but was more affordable than the other option with a 1500 dollar deductible.  With the impending birth, I switched to the 1,500 dollar deductible so that our out of pocket costs for the birth will be lower.  The end result is I will save the guys 5,600 dollars in out of pocket medical expenses while costing myself 2,400 dollars in additional premiums, so a win for them and a loss for me but every time I would hover my mouse over the 8,000 dollar deductible plan, I just couldn't make myself do that to them.  That is a lot of extra money and while I get that one of them is a doctor and the other is an engineer, I simply didn't have it in me to cost them extra just to save myself some money.  I think it was the right decision. 

Plans for the future are being set in place daily.  I always have to have a plan after a surrogacy...something to take up my time and combat the "what now?" feelings that swamp me after the birth.  This time is my final surrogacy so my "what now?" plan is pretty ambitious.  I'm excited and nervous but committed (I think?).  It involves an enormous leap of faith and changing something that has been a part of my life for almost six years.  I'm terrified but it's honestly the first choice I have made for myself in a LONG time.  As time gets closer and details are fleshed out I will reveal more but for now I will simply say I am excited about my future endeavors. 

Kids are doing well.  Boy #2 has started basketball.  He does not get much playing time with the varsity but he has played in both games so far and actually scored in the first game.  Next week starts the JV season so at least he will get to play more since he's a JV starter.  He's had a tough road as the only freshman on varsity...lots of hazing and such but he's hanging in there.  The coaching style is much different also and he's getting yelled at A LOT but as I said, he's hanging in there.  We are also getting many phone calls trying to get him to play football.  I have a serious issue with any sport where someone is trying to break my child but I told him we could talk about it.  Grrrr. 

Boy #3 is bowling again right now.  He hates bowling so I'm not sure what's going on with that.  Maybe he likes to bowl now, maybe he just likes having something to do, maybe there is a girl involved?  If he's happy I'm happy. 

And that's about it.  I'm in this weird limbo state, committed to all my current activities but waiting for this major change in February.  I am so ready for a change.  I counted it up and between my lab job and my typing, I worked 83 hours in the last 7 days.  And went to two out of town basketball games.  All while 7 months pregnant.  Yikes. 

Better get up and get busy.  Lab today to train other staff and then lots of typing.  Less than 80 days until the arrival of the Canadian.  :)

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

Do you do the black friday shopping?  I don't but I am impressed by those who do.  I don't like crowds so it's not my cup of tea.  I did make Joe go to Sears last year and buy laundry detergent for half price and that has lasted us a year (and we do four loads of laundry a day between his work clothes, my work clothes, basketball clothes for the boy and just regular clothes). 

We are having a quiet Thanksgiving at home today.  I have to work a bit at job one and do a bit of typing but not much of either.  We will be baking and just vegging out mostly. 

27 weeks 4 days pregnant now and just cruising along.  This baby is really active.  I am thankful that things are calm with the pregnancy and praying for no early labor. 

Basketball started last Friday with a scrimmage.  Confusingly the boy warmed up with the varsity and wore the red varsity uniform but the actual kids that played varsity wore white.  So he played jv in the varsity uniform.  The coach said he wanted to designate the three players who were both jv and varsity so that people would know they were both.  Weird.  The coach also talked to us after the game and told us that the boy is the first freshman he has ever put on varsity at the beginning of the year.  He said that other have worked up to varsity mid way through but he has never started a season with a freshman on varsity.  The real season starts next Monday.  There's an in town freshman tournament and an out of town varisty tournament, both all next week.  We will be heading to the out of town varsity tournament.  Luckily it is only about 30 minutes from my job so I can just go straight from work. 

Saw (aka chased after) the grandbaby for four hours the other day.  Man you forget how busy they are.  She is adorably but ornery.  She talks constantly but we're not sure of the language...I think Swahili, Joe thinks German. 

And that's about it for us here.  Hard to believe that in 12ish weeks the Canadian will be here, I will be done with pregnancy and moving forward into other areas of life.  I think I have decided to take a huge plunge and really change my/our life in a certain way and I am excited and nervous.  Only good things to come.  :)

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What I have learned

I have been in the surrogate world for a long time and as I sit here, nearing the end of my surrogacy days (yes I know I've said that before but I feel in my bones that this is my last surrogacy...I really am done, finally), I realize what a gift the whole experience has been.  On a message board I belong to, there is a post about what we have learned as surrogates and as I was reading through the responses of others, I came across one response that totally sums up my feelings on surrogacy.  So courtesy of Susan, here's what surrogacy has taught me. 

I've learned the most gracious gift of my lifetime thus far,

I've learned how to let go and love at a distance. Being a surrogate mother has been some of the most beautiful and sad moments/days/months/years of my life!

I've learned that I've given back to the Universe what it gave me, life.

I've learned how to respect those opinions that may not be like mine.

I've learned that I've taught my boys a very deep meaning of giving to others.

I've learned that some feelings you experience in surrogacy just simply don't have words to express them.

I've learned that giving "life" was a gift I was meant to give to others

I see so many people talking about surrogacy lately.  It's the hot topic I guess.  But to those of us who've been around the surrogacy world for awhile it's not a hot topic, or the latest thing, or the new way that celebrities get babies.  It's just a part of our lives, this wonderful aspect of our already full lives.  For me, the time has come to move on.  I'm too old, my kids are too busy, my uterus has been occupied too many times and cut too many also.  I don't envy the new surrogates starting's a different world now and I fear government regulation is not too far down the road.  I think a part of me will miss surrogacy but a part of me will be relieved.  I can lose weight and get healthy and actually stay that way.  I can focus my time and energy on myself and my family.  But surrogacy will always be a part of my life.  There will be six babies in the world that I helped to create through surrogacy.  There will be four families that I helped to expand their definition of family.  Together these men and I not only grew babies, we made families, turned men into parents, turned parents into grandparents.  What a ride it has been. 

14 more weeks with the Canadian and my life will change forever.  For me there is no going back...who was I 8 years ago when I first explored surrogacy?  I was a mom to kids that ranged in age from 13 down to 6.  When I deliver my kids will range from 21 to 14.  I am excited to see what the future brings for me and my family and to see what the next adventure might be. 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

It happened like this

Want to hear a funny story or two?  Let me tell you about the 20 week ultrasound.  Fairly hilarious. At the time I still hadn't bought a car and was driving the great black beast still.  I wanted to be able to meet the guys at their hotel and give them a lift to the ultrasound so they would not have to navigate.  So I asked the neighbor (62 year old bachelor man) if I could borrow his Honda.  He said sure.  What could go wrong, right? I'm driving away from the house the check engine light comes on.  I call the hubster and he says yes he knows this, that the car has an appointment next week and it's just a sensor issue.  Surely he wouldn't let his pregnant wife take off on a 50 mile journey in the neighbor's broken car so I continue on.  At the next stop light I glanced in the back seat and noticed how dirty the car was (like cluttered dirty, not really dirt dirty).  Anywho, I then noticed cigarette papers in the back seat and other assorted items that led me to wonder just a bit about my neighbor.  I got to the hotel and confessed to the guys that I had my neighbors car and was not altogether sure that I wasn't driving a mobile drug lab so maybe we should just take their rental car...which turned out to be a minivan. 

Soo...we drive to the ultrasound place and they have no idea it's a surrogacy.  She calls us back and looks at the guys in a confused manner.  She asked who the father was and I said I didn't know (we put in 2 embryos and only one took so yeah...once again I'm pregnant with an unknown).  She got an even more confused look on her face and whispered in my ear, "So you brought both possible dads to the ultrasound?"  I knew what she meant but in the spirit of the day I calmly said yes, that they were both possibly the father and we would find out after the birth who the father was.  She was great to the guys but continued to shoot me "wow you are a big fat whore" looks.  It was hilarious.  On the way out one of the guys pulled her aside and told her it was a surrogacy but by then I think it was too late and she didn't believe us. 

Just another adventure in surrogacy.  My life is going to seem so boring after I retire.  :)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


Holy spit has it really been 3 weeks since I posted?  Bad blogger.  Not much going on here.  This baby sleeps all day as I scurry about the lab and then dances all night while I am typing or trying to sleep.  I'm sure the dads will so appreciate my turning their baby into a night owl.  One of the dads is an ER/ICU physician so at least he is used to the night shift. 

I took a picture at 24 weeks.  The belly looks less round because the baby has stretched out. 

So far the pregnancy is pretty uneventful.  I am tired but that's to be expected.
Boy#2 is in hell week of basketball practice.  He comes home dripping with sweat every day and exhausted.  He made the JV team to start and will play some Varsity which is about as good as you can expect as a freshman. 
Both kids got straight A's on their report cards for the first six weeks so yay for that.  The three older kids are all good.  The grandbaby is adorable (cue adorable grandbaby picture)

Also, I bought this.  As opposed to my 12mpg that I was getting in the truck, I am getting an average of 45 mpg in this puppy.  The gas savings almost pays the car payment.  Woo hoo.
And that's about it for us.  We work, we take care of kids, we eat and sleep.  Life is fully and busy and good.  And that's it.  Hopefully my OB will be back from maternity leave in December so I can see her, not that I'm dying to drive 60 miles each way for a ten second appointment.  

Saturday, October 13, 2012


We'll start with the obligatory unflattering picture and go from there.

First I will point out how much the Canadian has grown.  So much for that grand theory of growing a mid-sized baby so that the old uterus does not rupture.  This kid is going to be huge. 

Second i will point out the horrendous wallpaper under the mirror.  Think that is bad?  Two of the walls in the same bathroom have blue paisley wallpaper.  Apparently the previous owners thought matching the colors was more important than matching the styles.  And it's wallpaper.  Ugh.  Project number 3503 to be tackled when we have time.

Third i will point out the awesome new iphone I clutch in my pudgy fingers.  The hubster bought it for me.  I've never had a data phone...heck I've never had a phone that takes good pictures.  Love it.  He's a tech geek so buying me an iphone is pretty much his way of saying I love you.  He also gets me flowers every single week.  I'm spoiled. 

What else is going on?  We have stepped up to seriously car shopping.  What I want (cute, zippy, manual transmission) and what we need (four doors, enough back seat space for two growing teen boys) are vastly different.  Let's see what we end up with.  We have also started car "looking" for the boys.  We need two cars for them that are different and yet neither can be cooler than the other.  I found two Dodge Neon's but they seem less than amused by them.  I'm not sure what we'll end up with.  I know, I know...we could make them share a car but we probably won't.  They have different friends and different activities and we don't feel it's right that if one of them wrecks a car the other would not be able to drive if they were sharing.  And yes, we know that cars are not necessities for teens but these are both good kids.  They do what they are supposed to, both have straight A's, they are polite and well behaved and we would like to get them cars.  Speaking of which....have you looked at car insurance for a teen boy? imagine that times two.  I put it in the budget (my budget is long term and goes through 2017...I'm anal like that) and it makes a serious dent. 

The guys have returned home from their visit.  We will see them again in 18 weeks or so when the Canadian makes his appearance.  He is VERY active in the evenings when I finally lay down for the night and the hubster and I enjoy watching him squirm.  I'm really soaking up this final pregnancy and making peace with this being the last time i get to enjoy this.  I love pregnancy and will really miss it. 

We got corn for work so no imminent layoff.  I'm so happy for all the guys who would have really been hurt by a layoff.  Our workload has doubled in the last few weeks as we do additional studies and try to figure out how to incorporate milo into our system.  I'm the chemistry person at work so I've spent a lot of time lately doing molarity calculations and mixing chemicals but it's all good.  Life is full and busy at work and at home.

My co-worker and I were talking about our bucket lists the other day and I decided that after this baby I'm going to start tackling a few things on my list.  First up...learning to scuba dive.  Not sure where or how but there you have it. 

Basketball practice starts at the end of the month and games start in late November.  They have 9th grade, JV, and Varsity here and the boy made the JV/Varsity team.  He will play mostly Varsity but some JV too.  He will not be starting Varsity but he's only a freshman and so he didn't expect to start.  There are a lot of seniors that have earned those starting slots.  He has been playing all summer and fall with the high school team on a traveling squad and really enjoying it.  Me...not so much.  It is very physical and I'm always scared they will break him.  He came home a few weeks ago and his hand was swollen to twice its normal size.  Egads.  I think we will definitely have to change health insurance to a better plan in January as we currently have an 8,000 dollar deductible and I see many sports injuries in our future.  I think I can switch to a 2500 dollar deductible.  Kids both have eye appointments on Monday...glasses for one and contacts for the other. 

Speaking of the of them has discovered girls and now has a girlfriend.  A junior girlfriend.  A 17 year old junior girlfriend.  She's an athlete and a nice girl but it's just weird.  He's 14 and a freshman.  He's mature for his age and 6 feet tall and has red hair and everyone tells me he looks like Prince Harry so maybe that's it?  I don't know.  I just know they are growing up way too fast and before we know it our house will be empty of kids and it will just be the hubster and I looking at each other with blank stares saying "What now?" 

And that's about it.  I really have no pregnancy complaints.  I occasionally have a touch of heartburn but not much.  The Canadian thinks it is funny to sit on my sciatic nerve and put my leg to sleep but that always passes.  Fingers crossed for another few months that are complication free. 

Until next time. 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Big baby

I was 20w4d yesterday and the baby was measuring over 21 and sometimes 22 weeks.  Fat belly and long legs (the baby not me).  He is healthy and has all the required parts.  And yes it is a HE.  The guys are thrilled.  More to follow.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Thank heavens

My friend has stabilized and has begun to recover.  Thank heavens.

We find out in less than 24 hours what I am carrying.  I still think boy but everyone else thinks girl.

And under the not so thank heavens heading we have:

We will probably get laid off from work in the next month.  We will be fine financially but I really feel for some of the people who are the breadwinners with stay at home wives.  This will really hurt them.  Hopefully a miracle will happen and things will turn around. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The downside

So what is the downside of surrogacy?  It's not that some people don't understand your motivation.  It's not that sometimes there are complications. 

The downside is that sometimes, moments after giving your IPs an happy, healthy baby, all hell breaks looks.  A surro friend of mine is in trouble.  She's the one who sent me all those wonderful hpt tests this cycle.  She has had some complications this pregnancy and now this.  After her c-section today (for placenta previa) she began to bleed.  They did a total hysterectomy and gave her 16 units of blood.  She is in the ICU and not at all stable.  She is intubated and has fluid around her heart and lungs.  She is a wife and mother and today created a family.  Please pray for her. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Good heavens

I am such a bad blogger.  Life is just so busy but in a good way so I am in no way complaining.  I will make this short and sweet:

Surrogacy:  Holy bacon we are 20 weeks.  We find out this week if it is a boy or a girl.  The guys are flying in for the appointment and then we are going to hang out.  Should be fun.  I still have to work after the ultrasound but it should be a lot of fun and they will get to scope out the hospital and the town where I deliver.  The baby is very active now and I am really enjoying that.  My only pregnancy complaint is heartburn but in the grand scheme of things, that's a very minor complaint. 

Jobs:  Still working both.  Probably will forever.  Like them both too much to quit either on. 

File this under what was I thinking:  I sold my car to pay off a debt.  On a positive note we are now debt free except for our mortgage.  On a negative note I'm driving the 1978 Ford pickup back and forth to work. Oy vey.  Am busily saving money to purchase a car for cash.  It will have to be older but it can't get any worse gas mileage than the truck. 

Kids:  both had parent teacher conferences.  Both currently have straight A's.  Both are still great kids.  The three older ones are doing well.  The grandbaby turns one in 4 days.  Boy #2 dunked for the first time in a basketball game.  All is well. 

Husband:  still gainfully employed.  Still liking his job.  I may kill him if he doesn't stop spending half his paycheck on his POS Ford Mustang but if that's my biggest complaint in marriage then I have it pretty good. 

I need to take another belly picture now that I actually have a belly.  A few people at work have asked if I'm pregnant and I tell them yes.  So far no negative comments at all so yay for that. 

I will be back in a few days to tell you gender.  I am guessing boy but am always wrong so it's probably a girl. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

When you can hear their smiles in their text responses....

Yep that's when you know you're a surrogate. 

I recorded the Canadian's heartbeat yesterday and texted the video to the guys.  They are really starting to get excited.  It took us so long to get pregnant this time (I truly had SETs...for some reason my body always gets pregnant with one less than we put in...other than that first time fiasco of putting in 3 and getting 4 so every time I put in 1 I don't get preggo.  I know that SETs are the gold standard now but I am so glad we put in 2 the final time.  I truly believe we would not have a Canadian growing had we only put in 1) that I don't think it has truly sunk in for the guys that there is indeed a baby in residence.  In two weeks they will see that baby with their own eyes.  Can't wait to see their faces.  :)

Friday, September 21, 2012

I want her life

So first read this post about a day in Jeni's life:

Sounds pretty good right? 

I wonder what it would be like to have the courage to live the life I want?  Will I ever get that courage?  What is stopping me right now? 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

First belly pic

Really no belly yet to speak of and I look hideous becasue I had just gone for my morning walk but here it is.  18 weeks today.  I look pregnant if I lay down but standing up I just look a little thicker around the middle.  I should "pop" in another month or so. 

In other news our horridly long weeks at the lab have ended and things are nice and normal again.  Woo hoo.  We survived. 
Nothing surrogacy related going on.  Oh and yes I know i need to refinish the floor in the picture above.  We are slowing ripping up carpets and finding some wood floor underneath.  This house is a project that will never be done. 

Friday, September 7, 2012

No words

I cannot even put into words the multitude of emotions that Bernadette's blog evokes in me.  You would think that after years of infertility she would be entitled to healthy children.  But I guess in this life no one is entitled to that and those of us with healthy children should just be grateful.  I wish I could think of some way to help her but sadly this is a path that she and her husband and her children must walk.  The whole situation makes me sad and angry.  I know that life isn't fair but sometimes it seems too unfair to others.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


Sometimes someone gets it so right that all you need to do is point in their direction and their words  say it all.  This article is one of those times.

I have always said that not everyone will "get" surrogacy and it is rather presumptuous of me to assume that my viewpoint on surrogacy is the right one.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion and there will always be those who think that what surrogates do is wrong.  I can honestly say that I have never met anyone, even the nurses who start out thinking that surrogacy is wrong, who's viewpoint stands up very long when they see the new parents holding their baby.  That look, not only the "Thank you" that Kym speaks of in her article but just the look of overwhelming joy and peace and the look of "Finally we are a family"  is the sole reason I'm a surrogate.  It makes the pain and the hassle and the misunderstandings of others all worth it.  I feel sorry for those who have never been in the room to witness that look.  Fellow surrogates get it.  Parents through surrogacy get it.  If the rest of the world doesn't, that's ok by me. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Ouch, small goal reached, large goal reached

First for the ouch:  My cars owie was a water pump.  676 dollars later it runs again.  Well except it still says low coolant so back to the shop it goes and back to driving the truck I go.  Luckily it is supposed to be 95 degrees tomorrow so the non-airconditioned truck should be awesome. 

Small goal:  Finally, finally, finally have a guest bedroom in the house.  Over the years, on and off, we've had a guest room but then one of the older kids would need a bed in their house so we'd give them the guest bed and then the room would morph into some other use.  When we bought the dryer and turned the laundry room into a workout room, that allowed the old workout room to become a guest room (confused yet?  So is my hubster. He never knows what a room will be when he walks into it.)  Anywho, today my mom made her guest room into a workout room and gave us her old futon which is actually nice and thick and makes a perfect bed and voila, we have a guest room. It is something small but we have friends coming down for visits several times in the next few months and it's nice to have dedicated room to put them. 

Large goal:  Have I spoken about the husband's mustang obsession?  No? Lucky you.  The man never shuts up about mustangs.  I have been stashing money away for two years to satisfy this need of his and Friday I told him he could buy the one he had his eyes on.  He almost cried.  Of course there's one small doesn't run but that will be fixed tomorrow (if you are keeping track that will be two cars in two different shops tomorrow). 

16 weeks pregnant now.  Still not really showing.  Feeling occasional movement but not a ton. 

I talked to my mom a lot today about my job situation and what to do.  After talking with her I'm more sure than ever of my choice to quit and just do transcription.  Now to just actually do something about it.  I have never been so sure of a decision in my life and yet so incapable of pulling the trigger on it.  Quick someone send me some balls...I apparently need some. 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

15 weeks

It's hard to believe we are already 15 weeks.  I am starting to look a tiny bit preggo but no one can really tell but me.  I usually show around 18ish weeks so I have a bit.  Every now and then I think I feel the Canadian squirm a bit.  I usually rent a doppler to check on the heartrate but have been so busy this time that I never got around to it.  Busy?  Why you ask? 

+ The hubster's truck died.  500 dollars later it now works again. 
+ Promptly three days later the hubster's motorcycle died.  500 dollars later it now works again (are you sensing a theme here?)
+ A week ago my car started leaking coolant.  It goes to the shop tomorrow.  I fully expect it to cost 500 dollars which means it will cost a grand.  Oh well.  I am SO joyful that I get to drive the truck to work next week.  The truck has no a/c.  Joy. 

Work you ask?  You mean like the job I quit?  Well there's that.  I put my notice in and got a complete guilt trip about how if I quit they could not hire anyone else to replace me as there is a hiring freeze due to the horrible economics in the ethanol industry.  That whole drought thing is not any better for us than it is for farmers.  Anywho I agreed to work for an undertermined amount of time, which basically means I will go in some day, get really cranky, and quit.  Until that undertermined date, I am still working there.  Most weeks it's fine but did I mention we are in the midst of a drought?  Well we are.  And drought and heat cause mycotoxins in the corn.  And I am the one at work that tests for mycotxins (what started as a cunning move toward job security has backfired horribly).  We have mycotoxin contamination.  A lot of it.  So I am working A LOT to test for it.  In fact this week I've worked 52 hours.  Egads.  This too shall pass...that's my mantra right now.  I feel really bad for my co-worker and I'm trying to stick it out for her sake but yeah...not having much fun right now.  On a positive note, every month that I delay quitting is one less month I have to pay 900 a month for COBRA health insurance benefits.  When I do finally quit we will buy the COBRA through the duration of the pregnancy and then get a private policy for all of us.  Until then....

Still typing too which is actually pretty relaxing and entertaining.  I'm still astounded by how many people feel discriminated against.  It's very eye opening. 

Younger two kids started high school.  Now if that statement doesn't make you feel old I don't know what will.  Two of older three are in college, the third is working. 

And that's about it.  I just got home from 8 hours at work and need to figure out dinner and then type a bit.  Life is good.  The Canadian dads will be down for the 20 week ultrasound which should be cool as I've never had the parents come for that ultrasound.  Will post a belly pick when there is a belly to get a pic of. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Good news all around

First and most importantly: 

Bernadette is home.  I cried when I read this post.  I am thrilled for her.  What a trooper she was through her whole Indian adventure.


After being falsely diagnosed with a somewhat horrible disease, I have found out that that diagnosis was wrong and that I will not be:
  1.  Dying of liver cancer.
  2.  Sick as a dog for weeks.
  3.  A danger to the baby I am carrying. 

Can we get a thank heavens on that one? 

This has honestly been the most stressful, worry filled pregnancy I have ever had.  Sick and tired of worrying.  I will have no trouble or issues hanging up the uterus after this adventure because frankly I am DONE being pregnant.  This is majorly sucking and I hate to say that because this is the guys' dream but the all day, every day sickness, the fatigue, the "oh by the way you have a horrible disease" misdiagnosis, the bleeding, the three transfers to get to here.  Stick a fork in me.  The uterus is singing. 

Friday, August 3, 2012

Vaginal birth after 85(ish) c-sections? U crazy lady.

So with my own kids I was a natural birth freak.  Loved labor.  Never took a med.  Delivered at home once before the midwife got there...yadda, yadda, yadda. 

Along comes the first set of surro-twins....placenta previa (undiagnosed), lots of bleeding, hey how about a c-section so you don't die right now.  Yes please. 

Twin set number two.  VBAC...sure...but we don't really mean it we are just telling you that.  When you are in labor in the hospital we will section you unless you want to argue with us in front of your IFs.  Section please. 

Surro singleton number 1:  VBAC...yes please.  Labor for hours.  No progress.  Labor some more.  No progress....oops baby is breech and sunny side up and not pushing on cervix and besides cervix is still pissed off about being called incompetent last time so he's not giving up an inch of dilation.  Fast forward 12ish hours.  No dilation.  No meds.  C-section...yes please.

So you can understand my skepticism today when VBAC was brought up.  I wanted to say, "Lady there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I am ending up with a vaginal birth and you know it but if you want to play modern in touch OB, knock your socks off.  Sure I'll take a VBA3C because you and I both know the hospital will be so supportive of that."  If it were my own kid I would fight for it but not thinking my IF who is an ER and ICU physician will be considering this.  So I will say VBAC please while in my heart I know it will be another section. 

Honestly at this point it's whatever.  If the guys get a healthy baby and I don't die, we'll call it all good, retire the severely overused uterus and ride off into the sunset where all good surrogates go. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Hoping and wishing and praying?

Well all that finger crossing and praying for a good outcome seems to have worked.  Yesterday we saw a nice sized baby and as far as I could tell, no sign of the sch.  I can't swear it wasn't there but if it was they sure didn't measure it like they have done in the past.  I am thrilled.  The guys are thrilled.  We have a high level of thrillage.
Introducing the Canadian...minus the SCH

My co-worker's dad died this morning.  He had a stroke 26 months ago and has been sliding downhill for quite some time.  The last three weeks she has been called numerous times to come sit with him because they thought it was time for him to pass.  She is wrung out physically and emotionally and while it's horrible that she lost her parent, I'm glad that he's out of pain and that she can finally get some closure. 

Maternity is it possible I need to buy them?  I've been pregnant 85 times.  But alas I gave all of my clothes to my step-daughter when she was pregnant last year.  I got a few things back from her but not enough to last a pregnancy.  I'm not worried about it yet as I'm not showing but might pick up a few things this weekend when we take the boys back to school shopping.  These boys are growing like weeds...they both have outgrown everything, including their socks and underwear.  New clothes are in order and in honor of that we finally bought a real 220V dryer.  After 2 years of hanging clothes and then a year of using a crappy 110V dryer, we can finally do laundry like normal people again.  So all the old clothes are out and the new ones will all be fresh and dried.  Yay. 

On a completely unrelated note, one of my favorite blogs to read, Rasta Less Traveled by Bernadette has become private.  This poor woman has been in India something like 120 days waiting for her son's lungs to develop enough to make the trip home.  Poor lady.  I feel so bad for her and will miss reading her updates. 

And that's it for now.  I have given up hoping that the heat wave will break or the drought will get better.  Neither is going to happen anytime soon.  We even took a walk tonight in the 104 degree heat (yes it is still 104 at 6 pm).  Bring it on mother nature.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Big boobed? Who me?

Ok so here's a random bit of information that no one wants to hear.  I have always bought 36A bras when not pregnant and 36B bras when pregnant and 36C bras when pumping or nursing.  I hate underwires so I always buy Victoria's Secret IPEX wireless bras.  Today, while the hubster and the kidlet  wandered through GameStop, a place I refuse to set foot in, I wandered into Victoria's Secret.  An incredibly chipper woman lunged toward me with a tape measure.  Our conversation went as follows:

Would you like me to measure you?

For what?

A bra (said in an impossibly sunny way.  Who could enjoy a job that involves boob measuring?) 

Ummm...sure.  Why not?


Ummm I don't think so lady.  I have tiny boobs and my chest is way bigger than a 34.  I don't like my clothes to touch me.

Bras are supposed to touch you.

I don't like my clothes to touch me.

Well if you want perky, then you have to have the proper band size. 

Did I mention perky?  What makes you think I want perky?

(She then looks pointedly at my apprently non perky breasts).  Let's just try one on. 

So I try on a 34D.  And it fits.  And I have boobs.  And they are not small.  When did this happen?  Have I always had boobs and just not known it?  Wow. 

Alas I did not buy the bra...I don't like my clothes to touch me and I could feel the band...and it was touching me.  But it's good to know that if I ever get over the whole "clothes can't touch me" thing then I could actually fill out a t-shirt quite nicely. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

Well there's that

Today I woke to the news that last night in Aurora, Colorado a man walked into a movie theatre and opened fire.  The mayor of the town says the man is "obviously deranged".  Really?  Because to me that is such a cop out.  He's not deranged or mentally ill...he's evil.  Pure and simple.  He planned an attack and executed it.  He put a bomb in his apartment in hopes of killing police that would surely go there after.  I understand that mental illness is a real thing.  I understand that some people are mentally ill.  But I also firmly believe that many people use the excuse of mental illness to do bad things and and then just say, oh you can't hold me illness made me do it.  Bullshit.  You chose to do it.  You are evil.  God will deal with you in the end. 

On another crappy note, a local soldier died in Afghanistan.  His body was flown home and there to greet him were the quacks from the Westboro Baptist Church.  Surely you've heard of these jerks...if not look them up.  Real winners.  They protest at military funerals.  Who does that?  They are promoting hate and using "religion" to do it.  Once again I say, you are evil and God will deal with you in the end. 

As you can tell I'm in quite the mood today.  It's been 100+ degrees daily for weeks on end.  If it's 100+ degrees outside you can surely imagine how hot it is in a metal building housing an ethanol plant which include two huge ring dryers that run at over 500 degrees.  I worked for 2 hours on the seventh level of distillation was 158 degrees.  I have been there five years and never have I felt it so hot.  It is unbearable.  Luckily most of my day is in the air conditioned lab and even more luckily, my last day there is in sight. 

I have no pregnancy news.  I think I'm still pregnant but at that stage when you don't show so you never really know.  Hoping to see the Canadian again in a few days to confirm his continued alien status. 

And that's all.  No sunshine from me today.  I have a crazy friend (everyone wave at Sara) who claims it's not hot here yet.  She is 34 weeks pregnant.  She has obviously succumbed to pregnancy delerium because IT'S HOT. 

Missing all the good friends from Cobblestone but glad to be back into the at home routine.  The next post will hopefully show an updated ultrasound pic with a much bigger baby and a much smaller SCH.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

2 things

Back from vacation.

 Nausea sucks.

That is all.  :)

Monday, July 2, 2012

Good news

Today we once again saw one baby, measuring 7w2d.  It had a measurable heartbeat so yay.  The SCH is still there and they did not say if it had shrunk or grown.  They said to expect more bleeding but at this point I don't care.  I cannot continue to stress so much so I'm going to say I'm pregnant until proven otherwise and leave it at that. 

They weighed me today (they always do that at this RE when you progress from trying to get pregnant to pregnant).  I weighed 7 pounds less today than at my first appointment when I was pregnant with Aurora in April 2010.  So that's another yay. 

The guys are thrilled and so am I.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Ultrasound tomorrow

So what will we see:

(1) Absolutely nothing you moron.  You've been bleeding steadily and continuously for 6 days.  You have passed clots half the size of a rhinocerous.  There's no baby.  Get it through your thick head.

(2)  One baby.  This sucker is a tough little bubba and since it's Canada day we have to be positive on the chances of the Canadian making it. 

(3) A pomeranian. 

I am still unsure what to guess.  I did get the supermondo pregnancy test and it showed lines at every level so I guess that's something. 

Have I mentioned how sick I am of bleeding.  I had an 18 hour period with no bleeding and got excited but today the bleeding is back.  Frankly I'm pretty pissed about it.  I don't have this blood to lose.  I am exhausted and sick of worrying.  Come on body.  Stop it. 

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Continuing Along in my TMI vein

Yesterday I passed a large clot.  After dissection (hey I said in the title TMI...if you are still reading, that's on you) I decided there was no baby in it.  Bleeding remained heavy for awhile but has slowed significantly now and is just brown blood not red.  This is the first slowing since Tuesday.  I am hopeful that we are going to catch a break here.  Maybe....

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.  You know how I said that I had quit my job.  Well not 3 days after giving my notice, my coworker got very ill and they asked me to stay on for a bit longer.  Of course I agreed.  I have no issues there, I just have a way to work at home.  So I've still been doing two jobs, while pregnant, and now bleeding.  I am TIRED.  Things are calming down now though.  I finally have an "ABSOLUTELY THE LAST DAY I WILL WORK" day for my lab job and it's in less than a month.  I am finally getting some more sleep.  The bleeding is slowing down (for now...from reading it seems like most SCH's bleed for many weeks, on an off).  And best of all, we are going on vacation in less than a week. 

Looking forward to the very near future when I will wake up, take a leisurely walk, type for a bit, clean house, type for a bit, etc.  Hubster is settled back into his job and is content to work there full time forever so my options are definitely opening up.  I see my little bakery in the very near future, with typing to pay the bills while I wait to get famous off my cupcakes.  :)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

A positive spin on things?

In general  I try to be a positive person.  No matter what life throws my way I try to see it in a positive light.  So this whole bleeding thing...I'm trying.  This time I started bleeding on Tuesday I think and I've bled steadily since. Sometimes heavy, sometimes light.  Sometimes horrible cramps, sometimes light.  Always bright red blood.  I no longer assume that this means there's a baby falling out of me but no matter how many people tell me their stories about SCH, my brain just keeps screaming...


I have no restrictions, in fact the clinic acts as if nothing is wrong. Hmmm. They were very upbeat and positive with the guys so I will be too. No one seems to even want to hear that I'm bleeding so I won't tell them anymore (or still).

In the pic below the small sac is the baby and the large sac is the bleed.  Yeah, that totally looks normal and positive and upbeat. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The fat lady is in a holding pattern

We have a baby.  We also have a sch which is larger than the gestational sac.  The larger the SCH, the more dangerous it is to the pregnancy.  So for right now there's a baby but we were told to be cautiously optimistic.  I am still bleeding but looking at the size of the sch I guess I can expect that.  Now another 3 week wait for the next ultrasound but at least we are reassured that things are ok for this moment. 

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Fat Lady Auditions in Aisle 3

So today brought more cramping and more bleeding.  We have managed to talk our way into an emergency ultrasound sooner than Monday so at least we will know something.  I am tired of bleeding to death.  My guys are tired of waiting and wondering.  Tomorrow we will know something, maybe. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Good news?

Well the swiss army knife of pregnancy tests (as my IFs refer to it) has not arrived yet...probably because I ordered it yesterday.  But I did take another FRER and the test line is so dark that it stole almost all the dye and there's hardly a control light at all.  So I'm hoping that's a good sign.  It seems noticeably darker to me than the one I took a week ago right after the bleed but I guess we'll see.

On to the really good news. 
Hubster got a full time job.  With benefits.  And it's a job he likes and we know he can do and keep.  Hallelujah. 

Saturday, June 23, 2012


This whole not knowing if there is a baby or two or none or a pomeranian or a hedge hog residing in me is intolerable.  This whole continuing on with shots and meds when more likely than not I miscarried six days ago is intolerable.  This whole wait until seven weeks for an ultrasound when we all know that at 5 weeks we could see a gestational sac and get some reassurance and at 5w6d we might even see a fetal pole is intolerable. 

And if it's this intolerable for me, I can't imagine how it must be for the guys.  This is their child we're talking about here.  I have never thought CFA to be insensitive but in this situation, I think they are being insensitve to my guys.  For some reason they seem to be thinking spotting while I am talking murder scene/blood trail bleeding. 

Oh well.  11 days to go.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Well that can't be a good sign

So last night as I was sitting in bed getting ready to lay down I started getting menstrual cramps.  Sort of on auto pilot I headed to the bathroom to get a pad when it struck me, "Hey are supposed to be pregnant.  This is not good."  Neither was the ensuing bleeding and cramping.  These were not "meh" cramps either, these were "oh God now how does that Lamaze stuff go" cramps.  So I get up this morning and I'm still bleeding though nowhere near as heavily.  I e-mailed my IFs (I was going to wait if the bleeding had stopped but since it hadn't I felt they should be in the loop) and then went for my already scheduled bloodwork.  While there I tried to finagle an ultrasound but no go since the clinic had not ordered one.  Bummer.  So for the next two weeks we get to wonder if:

(1) I have had a miscarriage and there's nothing in there at all
(2) I was preggo with twins and one miscarried, leaving me preggo with one
(3) I have a sch

Two weeks.  Two weeks.  My IFs are pulling their hair out.  I'm going to go drown myself in a vat of boiling oil. 

So what do I think?  I don't know what to think.  It was a lot of blood.  And clots.  And (TMI...sorry) slimy stuff.  I don't see how there could still be a baby in there. 

Beta was 5033 at 18dp5dt.  But if i just miscarried last night it would still be high. 

I am exhausted by this process this time and feel horrible for my guys. 

Monday, June 18, 2012

And I thought KKK girl was bad

So do you remember a year or so ago when the girl who had ties to the KKK and other white supremacy groups wanted to be a surrogate?  Yeah sorry hun you can't be a member of a hate group and be a surrogate.  Well today we have a new one.  This girl could not stay away from drugs even long enough to go to her medical screening and yet really thinks the agency and her IPs should just ignore that pesky positive and let her carry on.  She seems pretty upset that her current plan for a paycheck is going up in smoke. 

1.  You cannot be a surrogate is you use drugs.  I would go so far as to say if you have EVER used drugs you can't be a surrogate but then I hate all drugs and alcohol and cigarettes for that matter so I may be a bit strict on that.  But you sure can't have used recently. 

2.  Surrogacy is no guarantee of money.  I don't know how many times I have said this and yet people always come back to the money.  Let me give an example.  I have been matched with my current IFs for 16 months.  I have given myself approximately 320 shots in that 16 months, some subcutaneous, some intramuscularly.  I have traveled to the east coast four times, missing work and using my vacation each time.  I have made...wait for it...$0.  Because you see, until there's proof there's a baby (and the only proof is an ultrasound) then you don't get any money.  It's the way it should be.  I like it that way.  But if you are in surrogacy for the money, you will learn very very quickly that that is not a good reason to be in surrogacy. 

3.  The best surrogates are those that have a life outside of surrogacy.  If you are existing only for surrogacy, then when the ups and downs come along (and trust me...every surrogacy has ups and downs) you will be less able to deal with them.  That's not to say that surrogacy should not be your main focus at  certain times, you should just make sure you don't lose the "you" while making a family for others. 

That's all I have.  Surrogacy is pretty simple actually.  If you want to help someone, and you have a good heart, and you can handle disappointment, and you don't need the money, and you aren't crazy or an addict or a member of the KKK, you will be a great surrogate.  Simple huh? 

Saturday, June 16, 2012


My grandfather passed away this morning.  We were not very close but I feel badly for my mother and aunts, who lost their last parent and for my sister, who was much closer to him.  He was a great guy, very mechanically inclined, who could fix anything.  He played guitar by sound and picked up and learned to play the violin at age 90.  He lost his wife of 60 years three years ago and fell apart and put himself back together.  He was an amzing man.  He was my last grandparent.  I am glad he's not in pain and has been set free from the body that was failing him. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

2nd beta

Is 840.  Yay.  That's right in line with my singleton betas with Aurora.  Third beta will be next week and then the ultrasound and some future, as yet determined date. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Pre-second beta FRER

Because you know that once you start testing you can't stop.  Yes the line is darker than the control line.  Squee.  The Canadian is settling in. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

First beta

At 10dp5dt was 296.  For me that's a nice sane singleton number.  Saying a prayer of thanks.  :)

Sunday, June 10, 2012


Those cricket noises in surrogacy land?  They have been replaced by this. 

The hubster found a's just temporary but who cares.

Boy #2 is traveling with the varsity team and although he doesn't get a lot of minutes, he does get to play which as an incoming freshman is all you can expect.  He also grew another inch or so and can actually dunk the ball now. 

So to sum is good right now.  After a year of being matched, three transfers, four trips east, numerous airport fiascos, and enough Lupron to stun a wildabeast...the Candian's are going to have baby. 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Very exciting

Very exciting news on several fronts is headed to the blogoshpere.  Stay tuned. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Too much time

When I have that rare aligning of the stars that allows me to have too much time on my hands, I'm a horrible internet browser.  I'll click on anything (well not is not my thing and neither is torture or anything to do with spiders or child abuse) but other than that, I'm game.  So today I started at one blog, clicked on another, linked to another, and somehow found myself far from where I started, reading the blog of a mother who has lost her twins at 20 weeks.  The entire blog is wonderful (well not wonderful but real and painful) and she gets what losing a child is like but I wish she didn't, I wish no one else knew what that felt like.  The post below has me in tears.  It makes me sad for all the pain she has endured and the pain she will endure.  It makes me sad for me and all other mothers who will lose a child.  Samantha would be 17 next month.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Air shows, travel plans and changes of plans

Hubster and I went to an airshow yesterday for Memorial Day.  It was 95 degrees and the sun was blazing.  Needless to say, we did not stay as long as planned but did spend 3 hours on the tarmac looking at planes and enjoying the show.  The air show turned out to be a joint venture between the Canadians and the Americans which I found pretty cool in light of my current joint venture with two Canadians. 

Speaking of which:  I have a flight plan.  I have a motel booked and a rental car booked.  Before I know it I will be on the east coast again, my third trip there in less than a year.  Enough already with the travel, let's move on to the pregnancy part.  Every time someone says that surrogacy is a "get rich quick scheme" I just laugh.  More like a "go crazy slowly" scheme.  The guys and I have been matched and cycling for over a year now and they still have no baby which really really sucks for them.  Hopefully third times the charm. 

Once again there have been a ton of changes in our lives in the last month (or actually the last week).  To sum it up, Joe is a stay at home dad again for awhile.  We'll leave it at that.  I'm happy about it, he's happy about it and so it's all good.  Change number two is that the back house is now empty again.  I miss Thomas but he's out on his own and that's how 19 year old's should be.  He moved into his own place and we are thrilled for him.  The back house is really just too old and run down to live in and I'm sure he was happy to get a better place. 

I guess that's it.  I'm hoping my next update in a month or so will be a postive pregnancy test.  Fingers and all other appendages crossed. 

Monday, May 14, 2012

4 years

4 years ago today I gave birth to the ESB's.  It was a momentous day at the end of a pretty crappy pregnancy and four years later those babies have grown into little men that can swim and ski and speak two languages.  Their dad's have grown into great parents.  A family was born four years ago today.  Happy Birthday Georg & Adrian.  May your lives be long and happy and full 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Bad blogger, bad bad blogger

Has it really been a month since I posted?  How is that possible? 

The Swedish guys have found a surrogate.  I am thrilled for them.  Because of laws regarding insurance they had to use a surrogate in either Massachusetts or California and they found a wonderful one in Mass.  She is a first time surrogate who has never had a c-section so I'm hoping they will get to experience a vaginal birth for the first time since we ended up with c-sections for their three kids that I carried.  I would LOVE for them to get to experience a more natural birth. 

The Canadian guys and I are still here, still cycling.  Hopefully the third time will be the charm.  We are contemplating putting in two embryos this time since the SET (single embryo transfer)s have such a low success rate (less than 40%).  Not sure what the final decision will be.  I know I'm sick to death of flying to the east coast but I'm sure they're even more sick of footing the bill for me to fly to the east coast so I figure if they want to stick with SETs that is fine with me.  What's another cycle of cancer causing meds followed by a cross country jaunt, right? 

Boy #1 is still working.  I think he has a new apartment to move in to...a two bedroom this time.  He's paying all his bills and doing well.  He's still a 19 year old boy so he does dumb things sometimes but at least right now he's doing typical 19 year old dumb things.  He's still planning to go to college at night this fall.

Girl #1 has moved down south.  She is job hunting and is enrolled in school.  We miss her already. 

Girl #2 has finished her finals.  She is working overnights and likes it but misses her baby a lot.  I told her when she figures out how to balance working and motherhood to let me know because 20 years later I haven't figured it out yet.

Boy #2 graduated from 8th grade.  He gave the commencement speech and was really good.  He had us laughing and then crying.  He also won an award for an essay he wrote (clueless mom alert...I didn't even know he wrote the essay) and gets 100 dollars and a plaque.  His latest coup is he made the traveling varsity basketball team for the high school.  36 games in the month of June.  Can we say EGADS. 

Boy #1 graduates from 8th grade in about 2 weeks.  He's decided to do summer school for PE so he won't have to take it in the fall and get all sweaty and have to sit around stinky all day.  I was actually shocked he signed up for summer school but it's fine.  Probably better to be doing something in the summer anyway. 

Joe asked me the other day where all our money goes (not in a mean way...he was just curious).  As a demonstration I sent him to the grocery store.  He came home knowing exactly where our money goes.  The 7 gallons of milk the boys drink a week...that's 25 bucks right there.  Thank goodness we don't buy juice or soda.  Milk or water is it.  Can't imagine how much more we would spend it we bought juice and soda.

And that's about it.  I still go into the lab about once a week to finish stuff up.  I am still typing (FML note...I typed about 120 pages of affidavits on Wed/Thurs and then a power surge fried my computer and I lost all of them.  I am currently in the process of retyping...and I bought a surge protector.  Lesson learned.)

Joe still loves his new job.  He gets to be an IT geek, get paid to do it, and the kids can go to college for free.  Win/win.  He rides the motorcyle whenever he can and that saves us a ton on gas. 

Nothing else new. Until next time....

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A surrogacy story...on NPR?

Not a NPR fan usually since I don't think our tax dollars should be paying for radio programs (or a lot of other programs for that matter) but this article is pretty good.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Did you blink....if you did you missed alot.

We bought a motorcycle today. What you say? Well I told you the hubster was paying way too much in gas to drive the gas guzzling 1978 Ford truck to work every day. Like 100 plus bucks a week for gas. So we were looking for an inexpensive 4 door car. Naturally we ended up with a motorcycle, right? It's gorgeous and we got a great deal. And can I just say how nice it is to have a 754 credit score so that we can buy basically anything we want in one day. In fact we've perfected the art of the one day vehicle sighting, vehicle salivating, vehicle loan acquisition, and vehicle purchase. Protect those credit scores ladies and germs and keep your debt mom taught me that years ago and she was so right.

What else is going on?

Not much typing this week so I did a ton of cleaning and ate my weight in chocolate cake. Had the three older kids over for dinner. Took out the radiators in the house and found a nice wood floor in the hallway (first nice floor we've found so far...every other wood floor has had to be covered up due to damage). Do you know how you take radiators out of a house? Big radiators? I didn't but I learned. You smash them with a sledgehammer. They then leak, ruining the carpet, thus requiring you to pull up the carpet (which was going to be pulled up anyway eventually) and thus discovering beautiful hardwood floors.

Crickets are chirping in surrogacy land again. The Swedish guys are still wanting me to carry another sibling for them. Very hard to say no but they need a surrogate from Colorado or Massachusetts due to new insurance laws so it couldn't be me anyway. A lot of my surro friends are preggo right now so I'm living vicariously through them.

Oldest boy is still working and now his girlfriend also has a job. They are not only paying their own bills, they are upgrading and getting cable and internet. Let the living begin.

Hubster loves, loves, loves his new job. Yay.

Granddaughter is too cute and is crawling. Grandson is adorable. I think I will forgive the kids for making me a grandma at 40.

Oldest daughter is 21. How the heck did that happen?

Two youngest are a month or so from graduating from 8th grade and being high schoolers. How did that happen?

Summer vacation is booked and paid for. Summer basketball and other activities for the kids are reserved.

And that's about it. Like I said, if you blinked you missed a lot.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The plunge has been taken


You know how I was working two jobs, right? Well I did that because the boy couldn't find a job and the hubster's job sucked. Then, in the space of a week, the hubster got a good job with benefits and the boy got a job. We also sold my cute red car during this time and used that money to pay off a loan.

Add all of that together, and all of the sudden we had a financial swing (shockingly in our favor for the first time in ages). A big financial swing. And suddenly I had a decision to make. Do I keep working both jobs? Or do I go back to a normal life of just working one job.

Um...that's an easy choice. One job please. So now the harder decision, which job? Time to weigh things. I love my lab job but don't love the corporate atmosphere. My typing job can be done in my PJs but it is not guaranteed. There will be ups and downs and some times of no work.

So what should I choose? Needless to say, it wasn't a hard choice. The notice was given and I am on my way to being a typist. If I go broke and hungry, at least I will be broke and hungry in my pj's, right?

Monday, April 2, 2012

Our experiment with hanging clothes

This is a cautionary tale:

So our house is 100+ years old and has NO 220 outlets. When we moved in we had a gas dryer on the back porch but the gas line broke and we had to shut if off. Not a big deal since we have a 220 outlet in the back house. So for a few years we had a dryer in teh back house. Then the oldest daughter moved in back there and we started hanging our clothes on lines in the basement. (Can you see where this going?). For awhile things worked fine but then some of the clothes started to smell, especially anything that had been sweated in. Yuck. So finally, a few weeks ago, we found an answer...a 110 dryer. Didn't even know they made them. So slowly we are making the clothes smell good again although some of them still stink after being worn. My next project will be buying a bunch of new clothes for the kids I guess since we don't want them to smell. Note to self: dryers are a necessity.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Tiny updates

Tiny as in short, but wow are they massive:

1. The hubster got a new job. Doing IT. For a college. With benefits. What benefits you ask? Health insurance (but I already carry that through my job). 401K. Short and long term disability, life insurance. Oh and this tiny college for our dependents and us. Um....yeah. I said free college. Score.

2. The boy got a job. Small pause here for a hallelujah. The boy got a job. We went and opened him a checking account and in a few short weeks he will be paying all his own bills. He is very proud of himself and we are very proud of him. He has really turned over a new leaf.

That's it for now. More massive, huge changes are in store but those two will do for now. :)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Whole lotta changin going on

Nothing surrogacy related but just in life in general, the next few weeks involve changes in almost every aspect of our life. Hang on for the ride. Will give details if we survive. :)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Quote of the day

From the very wise Norma

"There is nothing easy about holding another person's dreams in your hands."

Yep. It's nice when there are people out there that get you and your feelings. Even on a bad day, I love the family that I have in real life and the family I have created through surrogacy.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Well that's that

So by the way my I went to CT for five days, transferred a single hatching blast, came back home, worked, worked, worked some more, and then got a negative beta. Yeah.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Where have I been?

Working. And when I get done working I go to work. When that is over, I do some work. Working, working, working.

Quick update though...before I do some work. ;)

I am down a consistent 9 pounds. Some day I'm down as many as 12 but I go by the highest number I see on the scale so I will go with 9 pounds. All of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit and I feel wonderful. I gave up chocolate for Lent (yes, I had given it up for the diet but I cheated now and again, but now I can't cheat) and that has helped the weight stay off I think. Still on a few meds that would normally make me gain weight so I'm thrilled. We've been going to the YMCA a lot lately and I think that's also helped. The Y is a great way to spend time together as a family and still get some exercise in.

I got my review at work today and I am very pleased. A nice raise and I found out that I am nowhere near my salary cap (not even to the midpoint of the range actually). So I should have a long career ahead of me where I am. Awesome because I love my job but I also really love those I work with.

Booked the family summer vacation. Squee.
Boys are signed up for high school. How is that possible?
Surrogate kids now range from 5 to 1. How is that possible?
The Swedish guys are talking with a new surrogate and I'm so happy for them. I hope they get that last baby that they long for.

No surrogacy news for me. Crickets can be heard chirping throughout the land.


Friday, February 17, 2012

Or not

No job. Oh well. Someone has to hire him eventually, right?

On another front, I have been offered another job consulting. So I would have one full time job and two part time jobs. Hmmm. Not sure. I told them I will think about it. I love my lab job and I love my typing job so I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize either of those. Like I said, we'll see.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A job perhaps?

I think that the oldest boy has a job. Everything is crossed. He so desperately wants to work. Finally. I think that if he can get a job then everything will be ok with him. Like I said, everything is crossed. Feel free to cross things for us.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Say what?

Well I have mostly recovered from the flu of doom as we like to call it. I am no longer so dehydrated that my lips stick together. I can now look at food without vomiting and just a few seconds ago I actually ate food without vomiting. Go me. In total I lost about 7 pounds but when I began to eat and drink I of course gained some of it back but I'm excited to say that my weight is still below 130. Woo hoo. Now to get enough energy back to start working out again.

Oh and by the way, remember the 18 week Lupron fiasco from the fall of 2011? Which led to the transfer fiasco (and the pursuant airport fiasco) of 2011? Yeah well there won't be a repeat of that. I am suppressed and moving on. Thank heavens.

That's all for now. :)

Monday, February 6, 2012

Puking a lung out?

Now I've heard of coughing a lung up but had never heard of puking a lung out. I didn't think it was possible. But last night, I'm pretty sure I puked a lung out. It all started Saturday with the boy puking. Luckily the other boy was at his mom's and so hopefullly has been saved from puking his lung out. So the boy pukes all day Saturday and by Saturday evening he's trying chicken broth. I felt fine. The hubster felt fine. We lysoled every inch of the house, got new toothbrushes, washed all the sheets and blankets, and thought we were good to go.

Alas, no.

Yesterday about 5pmish I was finishing the last of my weekend work (and can I just say that I got no new work today and it feels WEIRD). Anywho, just as I was finishing up the last 3 min of transcription my stomach started to gurgle. Ruh roh. This can't be good. The next six hours passed in a blur of diarhea, moaning, cold sweats, moaning, hot sweats, moaning, vomiting, moaning, lamaze breathing (for the love of God....the stomach cramps were awful), and did I mention moaning? Somewhere around 10pm I'm sure I puked my lung out.

Fell asleep, got up this morning went to work just fine and within two hours there was that ominous gurgling noise again. I fled work and made it home and here I lay. The boy has not eaten in two days and has lost 14 pounds. I have not eaten in one day and have lost 5. I think we are both starting to feel a smidge better finally and I will be ready to do both jobs again tomorrow but for tonight, I'm not moving from this bed.

The hubster just texted me that he is now contaminated too. Poor him. Let's hope the other boy can stay healthy. Urgh.

I wonder if puking a lung out lowers blood estrogen levels?

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Catching up

Whew. What a crazy busy week I've had.
We have a kid in quiz bowl and a kid in basketball both of whom need rides to and from those events and practices.

We have three jobs between the two of us.

We have three older kids who drop by a lot (and I just have to say that if my oldest son locks himself out of his house one more time requiring me to get out my spare key and put it in the mailbox for him to get at midnight, I might kill him). Luckily he lives within a mile of us so it's a quick trip for him but come on. I'm proud that he's doing so well. He goes to AA or NA every day. He job hunts incessantly. He lives independently and takes care of himself and his house. That is so much better than we ever hoped for but he really must learn to stop locking himself out of his house.

I feel like I meet myself coming and going half the time but life is good. So what updates do I have?

I drove to Kansas City two weeks ago and met with a few other surrogates. It was a fun day and not only did I talk with other women who get the whole "surrogacy thing", I actually bought myself clothes (or as the boys say, girl clothes) for the first time in years. I am wearing some of those girl clothes as we speak and I feel re-born. Cheesy I know but after years and years of t-shirts and jeans (or ocassionally maternity t-shirts and maternity jeans), it is nice to finally have some girl clothes.

My new second job which is part time is really neat. I like the work and I can stop and start it as much as I need to. My first check was a whole whopping 27 dollars (jealous aren't you?) but the next one is already over 400 and still going up. Wow. My fingers feel the strain but at least for the first time in forever the budget is not groaning.

Speaking of which, the hubster was finally, after 18 months, made full time permanent at his job. Wow. It is wonderful to be able to put his income in the budget for the first time in almost a year. It can't come at a better time since boy number 3 already needs new glasses even though he just got some in August. His head has grown and his glasses just don't fit right anymore. That will have to happen sooner rather than later.

I have bloodwork next week but after the fiasco of last time, I'm not holding my breath. I have gone on a clean eating and exercise kick and I'm hoping that that has lowered my blood estrogen levels. We'll see. If nothing else, it's lowered my weight. My skinny jeans fit and I am less than 3 pounds from the 120's for the first time since I got pregnant with the first set of twins in 2005.

Everything else is good. I guess I need to get off of here. We are headed to a basketball game. :)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Raise your hand:

Raise your hand if you got a new second part time job doing transcription at night. ME ME ME. It's really neat. I find myself caught up in the stories and my brain gets way ahead of my fingers because I can't wait to find out what happens next. I'll be devoting a few hours a night to this and a few hours on weekends. I'm SLOW right now but hope to get faster and I love that I can take it with me and do it when I travel, etc.

Speaking of travel, raise your hand if you got a calendar. ME ME ME.

Raise your hand if you've now lost 5.8 pounds and your skinny jeans fit. ME ME ME.

Life is good. Back to transcribing. I'm in the middle of a saga and need to know what happens next. :)

Tuesday, January 17, 2012





on bcps



Ever tried to diet on bcps? Don't. It feels as if your belly button is being sucked through the back of your body. Every morning I wake up hungry and i'm just sure that I will look at the scale and weigh 20 pounds less. Surely if you're this hungry and running like a maniac for cardio you can drop 20 pounds in a week. Right? RIGHT? Yeah not so much. Week one is done. Down 4 pounds. Minimum of 11 to go. Would like to lose 16 more. We'll see.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

My latest addiction

So I have discovered a new addiction. It's a website called


I exercise enough, I just eat too much. This website has a way to track what you eat and let me tell you, it's database has every darn thing you can even think of eating. I LOVE IT. When I have to actually type in 3 pieces of chocolate cake with chocolate icing at 200 calories a piece, it is a really good motivation to not eat those 3 pieces of cake. I started tracking my meals on this site on Wednesday of this week and that has really cleaned up my eating. I never realized how many calories I was eating before....I estimate I was easily consuming 3000 calories a day, if not more. No wonder my weight stalled at 135 and then crept up to 140. Here I was blaming it on the years of infertility hormones and in truth, it was just my fat butt eating too much.

Hoping to lose ten pounds or so. I am still on birth control pills to control my cycles and those mess with my weight a bit but I'm not going to let that be an excuse any longer.

So if you're looking for weightloss motivation, mosey on over to and read the success stories. Awesome.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Peace? Tranquility? Sign me up for some of that.

So the boy has moved into a place of his own. Let me repeat that with a bit more emphasis:


Now don't get me wrong. We love the boy. And we're very proud of the progress he's made. But I think we all like it better having our own space. After first months rent, deposit, groceries (to the tune of 169 bucks at aldi's...he eats like I can't even comprehend), etc., we are out something like 1000 dollars but he has his own place and we have our house back. Yay for forward progress.

Saturday, January 7, 2012


I opened my email yesterday and there was a picture of Dylan and Ella at their fifth birthday party. They now look so much like their father, especially Dylan. Love those little tykes. Their next adventure is kindergarten.

Then today, I went to my mailbox and there was a package from the Swedes. It was a photo calendar with pictures of the ESBs and the ESS. What a wonderful gift.



Life has been so full of change lately and I must confess...I don't always handle change well. For many years, our life was calm. The girls had chosen to live with their mom and the oldest boy had been sent to live with relatives in hope that a new environment might change his ways (by the way...don't try that ever. It just made him feel like we didn't want him around and he found the same thug friends and did the same thug things wherever he went).

Anywho, for several years it was just Joe and I and the two younger boys. We took a lot of trips and just hung out and had a good time. Then, in the last year, everything has changed again. Not changed in a bad way, just changed so that life now is so incredibly FULL all the time.

Girl number one works full time and goes to college full time. She is married and has a step son. They live less than a mile away so we see them frequently.

Girl number two lives in the house directly behind ours (literally ten steps from our back door) . She has a boyfriend and a baby. The boyfriend just lost his job a week ago but is job hunting. She is in college full time. We see them a lot too.

Boy number one is out of prison. The transformation is amazing. He is polite, considerate and even better....job hunting. He will have a hard time finding a job because he has no work history but he's out there looking and I think someone will give him a chance. He rented his very first apartment yesterday and will be living on his own as soon as he gets the water and electric turned on. Until then he's camped out in our basement, eating me out of house and home.

The husband is still laid off, though they do call him in to work sometimes. He never did apply for unemployment and now it's too late.

So are you adding this all up? I am working about 50 hours a week. Some weeks the husband works 20, some weeks none at all. So basically, I, and I alone, am supporting three households. It is neat to see all the kids more. It's neat to see them all growing up and taking responsibility for their lives. It's neat to have grandkids around and kids coming out of every corner again. But sometimes I miss those nice quiet years. However, those years are gone and not coming back. The two younger boys head to high school next year and life will only get busier. Like I said, I don't always do well with change but I'm learning to let go and just enjoy the ride. So many positive things have taken place in the last few months.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

Do you make them?
Do you keep them?

In the past I have made a few and never kept them. But I tended to make all encompassing ones such as, "I will never eat chocolate again". Not likely to happen. This year feels like a watershed moment in my life. I am hanging on to a few pounds from the last pregnancy and I know that the older I get the harder it will be to lose it. I'm going to be 40 this year. The kids are all teens or older and I need to have more energy to keep up with them. So, without further prelude, I present my New Year's Resolutions, 2012 version. Feel free to make fun of me in a few months if I fail at them (or better yet don't even remember what they were).

1. No eating out except for special occassions.

Money is tight this year and since son-in-law #2 lost his job we are essentially supporting him and girl #2 and grandbaby #2. And eating out is such a waste of money and so bad for us. So there's the reasoning....let's see if we can stick with it.

2. Get a better handle on our spending and debt.

With Joe out of work for so long, our once debt free life is debt heavy again. I hate making debt payments. I hate owing people money. From here on out, if we don't need it we aren't buying it.

3. Embrace a positive attitude.

When I get tired at work or at home, I tend to get negative. I am trying to embrace a positive mindset.

4. Work out, in some way, even if it's just a short walk, every single day.

I don't seem to be able to stick with a workout plan if I give myself any out. And for me, saying I'll only do it 4 or 5 days a week gives me an out. We took a 7.4 mile walk yesterday and today I can barely move so that should tell you how out of shape I am. I have a treadmill and an exercise bike at home. There's never an excuse for not working out. I will do it daily. Period.

So that's it. I'm not going to try to control my chocolate habit. I know that if I keep resolution number four the last few stubborn pounds will fall off. It might take a year or two but who cares. It's not like I need to drop a few pounds quickly because I'm getting pregnant again. It's so strange to realize that in all likelihood I will never be pregnant again. Here's to embracing a new year with a positive outlook.

P.S. The hubster and I will have been married for nine years tomorrow. I was married to my first husband for 12 years. So out of the last 22 years of my life, I've been married for 21 years. I am lucky to have my husband as he's a good man. Here's to another nine years.