Friday, December 31, 2010

T minus 5 days until


Well that may be just a smidge melodramatic. Actually it is T-minus 5 days until the expected arrival of P90X. I have some massive tonnage to lose if I'm going to convince Dr. D and Circle to let my geriatric uterus carry again.....I mean I have some massive tonnage to lose to get down to my prepregnancy weight so I can go about my normal, non-pregnant life. But wait......normal is no longer not-pregnant for me is it? Normal is pregnant with gay mens babies. And for those of you that say I should get a hobby....what the heck would you say if I confessed that helping make families is my hobby. Egads. I have truly become one of those women who don't know how to give up surrogacy.

All kidding aside, however, I do think I am done being a surrogate and I am looking forward to regaining my upper abs. I have always somewhat known that the lower abs are beyond the point of redemption and kind of thought I might instead like to take the pansy way out and get a tummy tuck. That is until a cyber friend had a tummy tuck and had MAJOR complications. No thanks. I will stick with exercise, less chocolate (don't even try to say no chocolate to me people), and a four pack with my c-section shelf conveniently below it. But I digress. I was waxing poetic about my imminent death.

Let me tell you what I know about p90x. Another cyberfriend tells me that p90x makes her incredibly sore. This statement does not sound so scary until you know that this same friend runs marathons as her hobby. Hmmm. I may be in a bit of trouble here. In fact, I may be on the verge of death. See, I am not in shape AT ALL. I thought I remained active throughout the pregnancy with the ESS but it turns out I did a heck of alot of sitting upon my ever expanding arse. Great. Turns out walking slowly does not keep you in shape. Neither does working alot of hours. Ixnay on the whining (which I think should count as cardio personally). So I have four days to get instantly fit. I thought of ordering some "fit in a bottle" magic formula but decided that would take too much effort so I settled for walking daily on my treadmill. I tried running (aka plodding in a slothlike manner) one day but almost put an eye out with the "boobs of death".

What, I haven't mentioned the boobs of death yet? Well let me just say that when you get fat and old and then have a shit load of babies, you develop boobs of death. Immediately postpartum they are even more dangerous because they are full of milk. They hang down (when not full of milk, think tube sock.....I could probably roll these puppies up) and just keep getting longer instead of bigger. Sexy, huh? I have my husband convinced they are HOT. How did I manage to convince him of this? Well once a year I buy him the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and then photshop tube socks in in place of all the women's breasts. He thinks he's sleeping with an up and coming swimsuit model and is the luckiest man on Earth. And yes, I photo-shop in some cellulite also. I can use any help I can get. After all, I have delivered 8 babies now.

So this is my last weekend of being able to sit down without screaming in pain from sore leg muscles. I am celebrating by eating my weight in chocolate on a daily basis. I will keep the cyber world updated on my progress through p90x. If nothing else you can help me pick out a coffin fit for a swimsuit model.

Thursday, December 30, 2010


Found out today while tooling around the internet that my agency does not accept surros who have had more than two c-sections. Guess that means I am retired, huh? Part of me says boo hoo but most of me says yay. I'm done. I can get skinny and stay that way. Longer post coming soon. Off to work right now.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

What a difference a week makes

**Emotionally I am 100% fine now. I have seen and held Aurora at least ten times and I am okay with it every time I see her. Joe, on the other hand, cries every time he sees Aurora. Very strange. I think we both bonded with this baby alot more than with any of the previous surrogate babies. I also think Joe also really wants another baby like I do. We are not going to have another baby...that time in our life is over. But it is something we both would do if we were younger.

**Physically i am feeling alot better. I would say that I'm at about 85%. I still have that horrible burning sensation at times but it is getting less frequent. I have lost 20 pounds and the weight is now coming off VERY slowly. I have 13 pounds to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I am hoping to continue to lose a pound a week and thus be back to "normal" in 3 months or so. We shall see if that happens or not. Last time it took me over a year to lose all the weight. Working out will help and it's something I need to do but I'm having trouble finding the motivation.

**Getting really annoyed with having to constantly do paperwork for Aurora. First I had to go to court (missing a day of work). Then I had to go apply for her SS# (missing half a day of work). Now on Monday I have to go to get her passport (missing half a day of work if not more). It's really flipping annoying but it has to be done since Lars-Ove is her biological father and he is not here. Hopefully after tomorrow all the paperwork is done because they are going home Thursday after having to change their flight from Wednesday.

**Feeling the desire to carry again but when I think of the logistics, the desire goes away very quickly. I DO NOT want to think of finding another family and I DO NOT want to think of starting the process over again. So yeah, as of right now, I am done. Ask me again in six months.

**6 days until Xmas and I finally finished shopping and wrapping and such.

**Boy #2 had an awesome basketball game a week or so ago. Scored 27 points. Hit a 3 pointer to tie the game and send it into overtime with 17 seconds left. Wow.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Working out

Yeah....I think I'm ready for a bit of working out. I will start with walking and then progress from there depending on how I feel. I am hoping I feel great.

My steri=strips came off yesterday and the skin underneath looks burned. Guess I am allergic to the adhesive in the steri strips. So now it itches and is bright red and bumpy. Glorious. If that is my only c-section complaint then I guess I got off lucky though.

We had a wonderful lunch today with Lennart and Aurora. When we got back to the car after, Joe cried. He finally "gets" surrogacy. It is so nice to be married to someone who can understand why I feel so drawn to being a surrogate. It has never had anything to do with the has always been about helping others to have the joy of children and a family. I wondered sometimes if Joe would ever really understand that part of me and it is so nice that he finally does.

So I continue to move onward from the sadness of this surrogacy. I am going to start stretching my pumping out so that insted of pumping every 3 hours I will go to every 4 and then every 5. I should be done pumping in two weeks or so if I do that which would be the goal. Lennart will only pick up milk one more time, next Saturday, and then not again so it would be ideal if I could be dried up by Saturday but I don't think that is likely. I will miss the pumping because of the amount I get to eat when I pump but it will be nice to have my body back completely to myself for the first time in a long time.

Am I done being a surrogate? I don't honestly know. I will see how my body heals and see what my heart says. If you were to ask me right now, I would say yes, I am done being a surrogate. But who knows what tomorrow holds.

Friday, December 10, 2010

8 days postpartum

And I am not sad. Tired, yes. Exhausted, check. But not sad. Thank heavens.

I survived my first week back at work and though I'm tired, I know that I can survive another. I think in another week, if the horrible burning/stabbing feeling is gone, I can start walking and ease back into working out.

I weighed this morning and I weigh 150 pounds. I started out at 135 and was 168 when I went into labor so 18 pounds down, 15 to go. I look best at 125 but I feel best at 135 so 135 is the goal. The belly is shrinking and I now look only about 5 months preggo. And my wedding rings fit again...yay. I can't wait to tone things up a bit but I need to take it slow since I'm already asking my body to heal from pregnancy, heal from surgery, make milk, and work 40 hours a week. Abs of steel will have to wait.

I am still working my way through the "what now". Part of me says "surrogacy" is the next step since I know my RE will approve you with 3 c-sections. But another part of me says surrogacy is not the answer and that I will never be ready to retire so I should just stop now while I'm ahead. There are five babies and two new families in this world because of my desire to be a surrogate and I should be happy with that. I knew the surrogacy cravings would come on as soon as the sadness went away but I have committed to making no decisions for the near future.

So for right now I am just riding each day out. I fall into an exhausted sleep each night and only wake at 5am when my boobs tell me it is time to pump. I am babying myself as much as I can...taking my vitamins, drinking a ton of water, and eating healthy.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A work in progress

So I am actually off of work today. Had to go to court this morning to sign the adoption paperwork for Aurora and had to be off this afternoon so we could finally take delivery of our new couch (after 2 weeks of having nothing to sit on in the living room). So I took the whole day off after only working 2 days. I'm a bum. I'm laying here and I should get up and clean or bake or something but the house is quiet and I am snuggled in a warm cocoon of blankets and I just can't seem to make myself move. I find that my mornings are very good emotionally. As the day wears on and I get tired, I get sad but I realize that it is just a result of being so tired. Going back to work so soon was probably not my brightest idea but now that I've done it, I'm stuck. I see a nap in my future this afternoon once the furniture comes and the boys get home from school.

So how am I? That is the big question right? How am I? I am about as good as can be expected.

Physically: my c-section scar burn horribly on one side. It is a burning/stabbing pain that comes and goes throughout the day. It sucks but at least it is just one section of the scar, right? I am hoping the pain subsides over time but so far it is just as painful as it was the first day. I take about 4 200mg ibuprofen a day to deal with the pain which, in the grand scheme of things, is not much. I still tire easily and can't wait for another week or so to go by so that I can feel alot better physically.

Emotionally: I feel great about this journey but I do miss the baby sometimes. I knew that if it was a daughter I would miss her more since I never had a daughter of my own (yes I have two step-daughters but their loyalty is to their it should be. I would love to have had a daughter all my own). And no, that does not mean I want Aurora...she just represents something that I have always longed for. I am still pumping every 3 hours (not at night though) for her and I know that the final emotional "healing" will not happen until she goes home and I stop pumping. That will happen in 2 weeks.

I am working my way through the "what now" emotions that come after surrogacy. I don't ever know if I'm supposed to go back to who I was before I got pregnant (do I even remember who I was before I got pregnant?) or become a new me. If I am supposed to be a new me then who is the new me? If I'm supposed to be the old me, then who is the old me? It is just a very confusing time and though I recognize these feelings and emotions, they are the part I like least about surrogacy. Oh how much easier it would be if I could simply be the "uterine whore" that others think surrogates are. Wouldn't it be nice to simply pop out a baby and go back to life as usual. Yeah....I could get used to that. But alas it does not work that way. These emotions and physical adjustments are all a part of the process and must be worked through. Yuck.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Back to work

I went back to work today and I feel so much better. Laying around is so not me. It gives me too much time to think and mope and be sad. I was really tired by the end of the day (not to mention that I had to then run the scorebook at boy #2's basketball game) and am very ready to go to bed now but I felt more like myself today.

Our court date has already been set for this week if you can believe it. It is a painless process of signing papers in front of the judge and in return I get to see Aurora and Lennart so yay.

I'm off to soak in the bath (yes, I take tub baths right after a c-section....I know, I know) before putting the kids to bed. Tomorrow is another day of work and then another basketball game. Joy.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Just wrote an incredibly long post which blogger ate. Let me sum it up for ya:

1. Have gotten past sad and am now mired in "what now?"
2. Have a strong desire to be a surrogate again and am screaming NO NO NO to myself.
3. Want to quit my job but I am trying to be mature and am screaming NO NO NO to myself.
4. Pumping. Ouch.
5. Need to learn patience. Not good at patience.


Hormones have calmed down. I have slept a bit. And here come those damn cravings to do it again. For the love of GOD, NO!!!!! I don't want to do this again. I don't want the emotional pain or the physical pain. But how do you tell your heart no? Well darn it I'm going to learn this time.

I was awake 2 hours last night trying to decide how on Earth to get rid of these cravings? I am out of sorts. I don't want to return to my mindless job. But I realize that every job is mindless and hey, at least I make 15 dollars an hour at my mindless job as opposed to the average 9 dollars an hour that most people make at their mindless jobs around here.

So as you can tell, we've hit the "What now" phase of surrogacy "recovery". It's been over a year since this journey started and I can't remember who I was and what I did before I got pregnant. It takes time to either remember who I was back then or to find the new me. I am anxious to work out and start to not feel like a fat dumpling but there's the minor issue that I just had major abdominal surgery. I never lose a ton of weight at delivery and so I still weigh 154 pounds. Ugh. That means I have at least 20 pounds left to lose. I was 168 when I went in for delivery so yeah, I have lost a whole whopping 14 pounds in 3 days. I hate those women who lose all the weight in a week.

So I will leave you before my mindless drivel drives us all to slit our wrists. I am sure I will figure out the "what now?" and that the answer won't be another surrogacy or unemployment. I just need to give myself time. Did I mention that patience is not one of my strong suits?

Friday, December 3, 2010


Came home 27 hours post c-section. Emotions are running wild as are the hormones. I hate this part of surrogacy and know from experience that the next two weeks will suck and the only way to get through is to get through it.

In addition to the normal hormones, there's the fact that I know I will never be preggo again and never be a surrogate again and those things make me sad. I wish I had discovered surrogacy years ago when I was younger and I wish I had not had 3 c-sections. But it is what it is.

Not sure what life holds for me now. I would really like to quit my job but I will hold off on making that decision for a few weeks....I never make decisions too quickly post surrogacy because it is the hormones talking and not me.

I feel strange and out of sorts and cranky and sad and proud and 100 other things all rolled into one. I kept Aurora in the room with me last night and it was really neat to snuggle her and change her diaper and nurse her. It helped me immensely to have that time alone with her and on the other hand, bonded me even more to her and made it incredibly hard to walk away today without crying.

Anxious to get back to work and get back into my new normal but my body is tired and only one day post surgery so I will have to take it slow. I have not had any pain meds since the surgery and I am feeling that.

Off to bed to get some sleep. Have not slept in 42 hours and that is part of the emotions I am sure.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


is now known as Aurora. She was born on 12/2/10 weighing 7lb11oz. I will do a birth story later but for now I will say that after 10 hours of hard labor, contractions 3 minutes apart, back labor, and a hell of alot of pain, I was still dilated to a, wait for it, 0. Yikes. Those last few hours of labor were unbearable. My longest labor before this one had been 5 hours or so, so I was completely unprepared to labor so hard and so long and to make no progress. I am proud that I survived all of those hours without any pain meds. The end result was a c-section due to failure to dilate. Baby is healthy and so am I. I just got up and walked a bit and I am 11 hours post surgery. Will probably go home tomorrow and back to work on Monday if I feel well.