Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A work in progress

So I am actually off of work today. Had to go to court this morning to sign the adoption paperwork for Aurora and had to be off this afternoon so we could finally take delivery of our new couch (after 2 weeks of having nothing to sit on in the living room). So I took the whole day off after only working 2 days. I'm a bum. I'm laying here and I should get up and clean or bake or something but the house is quiet and I am snuggled in a warm cocoon of blankets and I just can't seem to make myself move. I find that my mornings are very good emotionally. As the day wears on and I get tired, I get sad but I realize that it is just a result of being so tired. Going back to work so soon was probably not my brightest idea but now that I've done it, I'm stuck. I see a nap in my future this afternoon once the furniture comes and the boys get home from school.

So how am I? That is the big question right? How am I? I am about as good as can be expected.

Physically: my c-section scar burn horribly on one side. It is a burning/stabbing pain that comes and goes throughout the day. It sucks but at least it is just one section of the scar, right? I am hoping the pain subsides over time but so far it is just as painful as it was the first day. I take about 4 200mg ibuprofen a day to deal with the pain which, in the grand scheme of things, is not much. I still tire easily and can't wait for another week or so to go by so that I can feel alot better physically.

Emotionally: I feel great about this journey but I do miss the baby sometimes. I knew that if it was a daughter I would miss her more since I never had a daughter of my own (yes I have two step-daughters but their loyalty is to their it should be. I would love to have had a daughter all my own). And no, that does not mean I want Aurora...she just represents something that I have always longed for. I am still pumping every 3 hours (not at night though) for her and I know that the final emotional "healing" will not happen until she goes home and I stop pumping. That will happen in 2 weeks.

I am working my way through the "what now" emotions that come after surrogacy. I don't ever know if I'm supposed to go back to who I was before I got pregnant (do I even remember who I was before I got pregnant?) or become a new me. If I am supposed to be a new me then who is the new me? If I'm supposed to be the old me, then who is the old me? It is just a very confusing time and though I recognize these feelings and emotions, they are the part I like least about surrogacy. Oh how much easier it would be if I could simply be the "uterine whore" that others think surrogates are. Wouldn't it be nice to simply pop out a baby and go back to life as usual. Yeah....I could get used to that. But alas it does not work that way. These emotions and physical adjustments are all a part of the process and must be worked through. Yuck.


  1. I can tell you what I've discovered over the past 15+ months -- I'm definitely a new me, but I'm still not altogether sure I know who the new me time goes by the direction I'm headed in is becoming clearer, but its been a year of transition, which means its been tough. I hope to have a lot more of it figured out by halfway through 2011. Don't jump into anything, just sit and listen to and observe the things around you and at some point where you're headed will become clear, just don't rush it, and always listen to your gut.

  2. You will never be the old you. I don't know how anyone who has done surrogacy can be. You will be a new you and you will love it. Eventually.

  3. I wish you would take a week or two off of work. You deserve it, dammit! I have never seen anyone work as hard as you while pregnant. Tell them you aren't well and need a week or two of your maternity leave. Don't be afraid to be home with your emotions. You will get through them. Big hugs. Please be gentle and patient with yourself, physically and emotionally.

  4. Hugs sweetie. Whatever path is meant for you to take, it will find you, and you will find your way. Bless you, today... and every day.