Hormones have calmed down. I have slept a bit. And here come those damn cravings to do it again. For the love of GOD, NO!!!!! I don't want to do this again. I don't want the emotional pain or the physical pain. But how do you tell your heart no? Well darn it I'm going to learn this time.
I was awake 2 hours last night trying to decide how on Earth to get rid of these cravings? I am out of sorts. I don't want to return to my mindless job. But I realize that every job is mindless and hey, at least I make 15 dollars an hour at my mindless job as opposed to the average 9 dollars an hour that most people make at their mindless jobs around here.
So as you can tell, we've hit the "What now" phase of surrogacy "recovery". It's been over a year since this journey started and I can't remember who I was and what I did before I got pregnant. It takes time to either remember who I was back then or to find the new me. I am anxious to work out and start to not feel like a fat dumpling but there's the minor issue that I just had major abdominal surgery. I never lose a ton of weight at delivery and so I still weigh 154 pounds. Ugh. That means I have at least 20 pounds left to lose. I was 168 when I went in for delivery so yeah, I have lost a whole whopping 14 pounds in 3 days. I hate those women who lose all the weight in a week.
So I will leave you before my mindless drivel drives us all to slit our wrists. I am sure I will figure out the "what now?" and that the answer won't be another surrogacy or unemployment. I just need to give myself time. Did I mention that patience is not one of my strong suits?