Bullet points

* Still kid - free...until tomorrow evening.
* Worked 22 hours in 2 days.
* Leaving for an awesome trip soon. Can't wait.
* The fetus is hungry all the time....thus so am I. Fatness is the new hotness.
* The boys' grandpa in Chicago (their dads dad) passed away Sunday evening.
* Funeral will probably be tomorrow or the next day but since no one has told me the date, I am clueless.
* Can't get off to go to funeral because he is not related to me. Thus the family up there will think I don't care.
* Exhausted, cranky, and tired.
* IF is back in hospital tomorrow for round 2 of chemo.
* The dads never ask about this baby. I know they are busy and I know they are scared but it is strange to have no one asking after how involved they were last time. Some of that has to do with having twins to take care of also I'm sure.
* DH bought me a wedding band today. It is gorgeous and delicate and just what I was wanting. My original died many years ago. This set cost a grand and he bought it with his own money. Awesome.

Kid Free

So the kids are all gone...either to camp or to their moms or just old enough to be out on their own. We rarely get any time alone, much less the three days we are going to have now. Right now I am just sitting here soaking up the quiet. In a bit I plan to clean a room and then marvel at how it stays clean when I leave it and come back. This coming weekend we are going to a resort with the two youngest boys that I think will be a blast. Rafting and family games and swimming. Yay.

The fetus continues to grow well. I check on him once a day with my doppler and he is always there and doing well. I took my first belly pics today at 18w2d. I just look fat. I got a new bra yesterday. I had been buying a 36B and was measured and it turns out I'm a 34D. Me. Mrs. A cup. Egads how big will these things become when my milk comes in? Needless to say my husband has been walking around with a huge smile on his face for days.

Below are the first belly pics. Lots of growing going on.....lots of growing left to do.

Doppler arrives

Yay. I got my doppler. And the fetus is alive and well thank heavens. I can hear him/her kick on the doppler but I don't feel it. Definitely an anterior placenta. Maybe when he/she gets bigger I will feel him/her.

Okay...enough with the him/her he/she stuff. From this moment forward the baby shall be called.........to be continued.

The cat....kid free....FATIGUE

We have an evil cat which we stole from my step daughter. We actually didn't steal it.....well maybe we did. See she didn't really feed it well and refused to get rid of its fleas so one day my DH told her how much I wanted the cat and she gave it to us. (There is a running theme here....DH always uses me as the excuse or the bad guy). Anywho, we get the cat and we bring it in the house and give it a ton of flea baths and bomb the house and two weeks later, no fleas. Yay. We are a nick name household so the cat quickly becomes a oujabouja (OH JAH BOH JAH). Which morphs into a smojkoj (SMOJE KOJE). My sons both have an application on their ipod called speak it. You type a phrase in and speaks it for you. So they typed in smojkoj and the ipod pronounced it SMOY COCK. So that is house our household cat, whose name is squash, became known as squash the smoycock not squash the cat. Both boys say that living in our house is like living in a veggie tales episode. I am a complete and total idiot/goofball and they love every minute of it.

On Thursday one son goes to his moms house for a week. On Sunday we take the other son to camp until Wednesday. So if you are counting, that gives us 3 whole days kid free. Of course I have to work and so does DH but hey, kid free is kid free. Not that I don't love the kids....I do. But we have five of the buggers and we rarely get a complete break. We are doing Red Lobster with a gift card I got from work and then shopping for a birthday gift at the mall. I can't wait.

I go back and see the midwife in about 2 weeks. I still rarely feel this baby move....maybe once every two weeks. I ordered a doppler to try to calm my worries but they haven't even shipped it yet so who knows when it is coming. My only actual pregnancy symptom continues to be fatigue. I am so tired I could cry most days. But I have no other complaints so I guess all is well. I just really, really wish this baby would get active already. I am almost 18 weeks and I am tired of stressing.

Equilibrium restored

Well things have settled a bit here thankfully. My cold is gone and I just have a touch of the sniffles now. Unfortunately my poor hubby has now caught it but he will recover quickly I hope. We went to a water park about an hour away today and had a good time. The boys did the water slides and the wave pool and everything else. I did one water slide but could not talk hubby into it. He did do the wave pool and the lazy river with me. I am burned to a crisp on my legs but nowhere else. Hmmmm.

I think I was able to "recover" in the last few days because I didn't hear from anyone. As sad as it is, in a way it is easier for me to not hear from the guys now. The news is rarely good and it makes me worried and stressed for them when I get it. I email them frequently but usually only talk about the fetus and about our family. I will tell them that we are praying for all of them (which we are) but make no inquiries really. I almost don't want to know. Nothing like burying my head in the sand, huh? I also didn't hear from the wayward stepdaughter, the son, or the brother in law. It was a very peaceful few days.

I realize that the older I get, the more I like just having it be me and hubby and the boys. I know 100% for sure that I won't do another surrogacy after this (unless the guys ever want another sibling that is). I do have another friend that I would help in an instant for no comp but I think she's decided she is staying with just two kids and not going for the trifecta. It feels weird for things to be coming to a close in this area of my life but I guess all good things have to end, right?

Why?

So tonight DH and I ran to the grocery store. We buy for our family (4 of us), my son and his girlfriend who live in the coach house behind us and for a friend with kids that is down on his luck right now. So yeah....350 dollars later we have food for a week for us and a village. You've heard that it takes a village....well we feed a village. But no matter how "tough love" I can be with my wayward son, that does not extend to letting him go hungry at age 17.....talk to me again when he is 18 or older and my views might have changed. Who knows.

Anywho, as we were driving home for some reason I started thinking of how unfair life can be. Not to me....I feel like my life has been really good. I could not help thinking of all of my friends who are infertile. They long for a baby. They would be good moms. And yet they can't have kids. How is that fair. I get the whole "God always answers every question...he just sometimes says no." I get that whole idea. But my question would be, if he's going to say no then why can't he remove the desire from their hearts? Why must they hurt every day? Why must they yearn for something that is not to be? And then why do so many people who don't want kids and who won't be good moms conceive so easily? I will never understand this. Sometimes there seems to be so much pain in this world surrounding this issue. I just really don't understand.

My sick IF is having the typical reaction to chemo now. He is sick as a dog. He cannot do much of anything, including enjoy his time with his babies. That make me angry and sad and makes me want to scream WHY? So many people don't spend any time with their kids. This man devotes all his free time to his and now he is too ill to.

I know I just sound like a whiny brat. I am really trying to understand. But I really just don't understand.

My daughter Samantha would be 15 next month. She died the day after she was born. I wanted that baby. She was the only daughter I would ever have. I do have two step daughters but they are their mothers and though they do allow me access to their lives, it is just not the same. I love being the mom of boys but I wonder what it would be like to have a girl. Someone who I could take to gymnastics meets and give advice to (not that she would listen). I miss her. I know it's stupid and it has been forever but I miss her. I would love to have gotten to watch her grow up.

My first husband has been dead for six year as of last month. He missed the last six years of his kids' lives. There has been good and bad and he has missed it all. All because of a stupid choice and a stupid craving he could not/would not resist. Why?

As you can see, I have not thrown off my moodiness and my funk. I will find my happy place again. I will. We are going to an outdoor water park this weekend. Perhaps some steep slides and some uninhibited laughter from the boys will fill the hole that has opened in my heart. I wish I could go five minutes without think of Lars, sick as a dog and fighting for life. I wish I could sleep and not dream of the babies crying for their father. I wish that this whole situation did not bring back memories of my own boys crying for their father.

Sick

I have been battling a cold which has morphed into a sinus infection. Joy. I can't take anything because of the baby so I muddle through each day in a snot infused haze. Today we have a new symptom....shortness of breath and feeling as if a cow is sitting on my chest (I checked....there is not one). So I am now even more miserable. I think illness while pregnant should be illegal. I think kids should not expect to be fed or parented while I am sick. I think I should get to call in sick to work when I am sick. But alas it does not work that way. Colds do happen to preggos like me. The kids do still demand meals on a daily basis (sometimes multiples time a day....the little monsters) and I can't ever use my sick time or my vacation time for illness because I'm constantly saving it to use for maternity leave. I think I need a new hobby that doesn't involve shooting drugs into my hind end, getting fat for the benefit of others, and joy mixed with sorrow. Maybe I'll take up stamp collecting.

On the edge of tears

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I seem to cry at the drop of the hat lately. I cried today watching the Karate Kid. I cried reading a birth story on a blog about a homebirth. Then I cried reading a post on SMO about a lady whose surrogate baby died in utero at 30 weeks. I feel like my emotions are so close to the surface. I love to feel this baby move but every time it does I think of his/her dads and then I get sad thinking of the battle they are waging. I get sad thinking about all the what ifs. I know it is just hormones combined with several truly sucky things going on to those around me. But I've never been much of a crier so it feels very out of character for me. I'm trying to just let the tears come....hoping that things will get better with a little release. I have much to be thankful for and happy about and I try to remember that also. I am mostly a positive person so I know that this too shall pass.

So much to write about but nothing to say

Have you ever had that problem? I mean it seems like a million things are happening and I don't even know how to capture any of them into words. Let me try though. I will warn you ahead of time that this will be a very disjointed entry though.

The pregnancy:
I can feel the baby wiggling now. I am thoroughly enjoying only being pregnant with one but a part of me missing the mystique of carrying two. I love my midwife and I know I will be tremendously disappointed when the guys tell me that I can't have a homebirth. I have decided that I will do a hospital birth if they want one (and I know they will) but that I will wait until I definitely know that I'm in labor before heading to the hospital. I am hoping to convince my midwife to go to the hospital with me since I am paying her for a home delivery. She can be my back up "hell no you can't cut me open" person. Because my husband and the guys believe every word that the doctors say and don't ask any questions. Overall it is a great pregnancy so far. Hopefully it continues that way.

The wayward stepdaughter:
Stepdaughter number 2 moved to her moms house when she was 14 because we had "gasp" RULES. She lived there until last Christmas eve when her mom kicked her out. We went to retrieve her and she ran away. We tracked her down and retrieved her and she ran away. We called the police and they told her and us that she had to stay with a parent until she was 17 and then she was an adult. The day she turned 17 she was gone. She told us that it was nothing personal, she just wanted to be an adult. Alrighty then. So we stopped giving her an allowance (adults don't get one of those), stopped buying her clothes and contact lenses and set her free. By this point it was a definite "WHATEVER" situation. So we tried to keep in contact but she wanted her freedom and independence and nothing to do with us. Whatever. She resurfaced the other day. To prove her independence she stopped taking her birth control pills. And is of course now pregnant. She really showed us, huh? So she went to the OB and it is twins. I would think this was a story but I saw the ultrasound photo. She is having identical twins. Great. She lives in her boyfriends moms living room. She has no job. She quit school and did not get her GED. I do not see this ending well. We told her we are here for her but don't really know what we can do. We have an empty apartment upstairs (our house is huge) but she doesn't want to live here because her boyfriend is on house arrest in his hometow. (facepalm). What a mess. How bad is it of me that I'm glad it's her mess and not mine.

The job:
See, I love my job. It is exactly what I've always wanted to do. But I love my kids too. And I don't see my kids because of my job. But if I quit my job I would probably never get another job like it. What to do, what to do? So I'm pondering for now. Wish I could have my job, but in my town so no commute and only 30 hours a week instead of 50.

The DH:
DH's parents both died. There is supposed to be an inheritance but his brother (the executor) will not really say how much or when. I can't ask because I just seem money hungry if I do. So we wait. Not really a problem, just me being anal and praying for a bit of money so I can quit my job (yes I know the last paragraph was about keeping my job).

The End.

Love the midwives

I had forgotten how wonderful midwives are. They trust a womans body to be pregnant. They don't see pregnancy as a crisis or an illness.

We discussed VBA2C risks and uterine rupture and they knew the studies as well as I did. When I try to discuss this with an OB they dismiss me as if I can't read a study. It is so nice to be listened to.

I have decided to see the midwives. I am paying out of pocket for my prenatal care and homebirth because I don't think the guys should hav to pay for something they are not "in to". When the guys arrive in the US I will take them to meet the midwives. If they are not comfortable with home birth the midwives will hook me up with an OB at 38 weeks or so that will do a hospital birth that the guys will be comfortable with. I can honestly say that that will upset me a bit but it is their baby and so their decision also.

I am so thrilled to find this option in this area. I had midwives for 2 of my 3 deliveries and they were wonderful. I mean it is still labor and it still hurts but midwives leave you alone and let you labor. No interventions other than doppler heartbeat checks of the baby.

For those non crunchy types, rest assured that if anything seems out of place during pregnancy, labor, or delivery, midwives are quick to transfer your care. They don't want a bad outcome anymore than an OB does. The c-section rate with these midwives is around 9% whereas the c-section rate at the local hospitals runs around 38%. Hmmm.

The great practictioner hunt

The following is a true account of my current search for someone to deliver the bloodsucking alien currently residing in my uterus. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the stupid....but for clarity I will keep my name the same even though I am, in fact, stupid).

Day 1: woo hoo. I'm pregnant.
Day 2: I guess I should find an OB. I'll just use the one I used last time.
Day 3: Oh wait.....the one I used last time was a spineless wimp who did whatever the maternal fetal medicine specialist recommended. And she monitored my cervix as if I was attached to a nuclear warhead. And because of said monitoring she allowed said MFM specialist to put me in the hospital for 31 days. And on home bedrest for 12 weeks. And when I delivered at term she said she was sorry and that she now though that nothing had been wrong with my cervix all along and that I was perhaps just "cervically challenged". Do I really want a repeat of that? HELL no. Plus she does not "allow" VBA2C.
Day 4: I will go to the birthing center in Columbia. Yeah....that's the ticket.
Day 5: Birthing center is closed. Bummer.
Day 6: Midwives have gone out on their own and are doing only homebirths. SWEET. I am all over this.
Day 7: Email guys to test the waters regarding home birth. They are not receptive because said OB from above convinced them Baby B almost died at the last delivery. In fact Baby B had fluid in his lungs because he did not pass through the birth canal and thus had to be on CPAP for an hour. Yep an hour. Guess an hour of CPAP with Apgars of 7 and 9 equals almost death. Hmmmm.
Days 8-10: Immature poutingon my part. Don't want the guys to feel uncomfortable with my birth choice (but I guess the don't give a darn if I am uncomfortable with their birth choice).
Day 11: Start hunting for OB.
Day 12: Find OB....She allows VBA2C with no mandatory epidural if all is well. She is natural. She is awesome.
Day 13: Go see OBs nurse for paperwork and bloodwork. Schedule appointment for a week later.
Day 19: OB calls to cancel appointment. Says she will not be in the office that day. Reschedules for a week later.
Day 25: see day 19. Yep cancelled again and rescheduled again.
Day 31: see day 25. The newly scheduled appointment will make me 18w3d preggo before I see the OB for the first time.
Day 32: contact midwives via email.
Day 33: midwives respond. I will be meeting with them tomorrow. They will be doing my prenatal care. It is not covered by my insurance so I will be paying out of pocket so my guys don't have to pay for this. When the guys get here I will discuss homebirth with them.

I will not try to "convince" them of a home birth. If they are hesitant or non-receptive I will simply show up at a hospital in labor and let the on call OB have at it. I know I may end up with a c-section that way and that is a risk I am willing to take to have good prenatal care.

Stage 4

I found out a week or so ago that my younger IF has lymphoma. Today we received the devastating news that it is stage 4 and has metastisized to several spots in his body. He is in good spirits and fighting. His partner told me he banked sperm yesterday in hopes of baby number four some day. I am currently carrying baby number 3. They are hoping it is his biological child. We put in one embryo from each dad so we don't know which one stuck. For my sick IF I hope that this is his child. For the logistics of the situation, however, I hope it is the child of the other. How would his partner get the baby back to Sweden if he is too ill, or worse, to retrieve it? I have so many "what if" type questions that I can't ask because if I do I will reveal that while I have hope, I am a realist. I have degrees in chemistry and biology and took many the pre-med class. I have also lost many friends and family to cancer. Please help me to maintain hope and possitivity when all I can see are reality and sadness.

The perfect job?

Do you have your perfect job? I always thought I did. Until I looked up one day and realized that I hadn't seen my kids in three years. I work ALOT. And I drive an hour each day (30 min each way) to do that work. So I end up being gone from home a minimum of 50 hours a week. Sometimes it's more like 60. Now don't get me wrong. The money is great. I live in an area of the country where you can live on 9 bucks an hour and I make 15. I know that 15 would not go anywhere in a larger town but around here.....we are not rich but we are more comfortable than we have ever been. And I get that I should just simmer down, go to work, and enjoy the money. Who cares if I only see my kids on the weekend. Who cares? I care. So today I am applying for a part time job in my town. It is 20 hours a week. It is a block from my house. It is not in my field and I'm sure it's somewhere around 8 bucks an hour. And I don't care. I miss my kids. I miss being in town when things are open. I miss my husband. So I will give up the things that have suddenly appeared in my life (the new car, etc) in exchange for having my life. I really hope I get it. The hardest part will be telling my current job that I'm leaving. I am a bad quitter. Very bad.

The wet t-shirt contest

Ok....so I'm what is referred to as a geriatric surrogate. Granted, I'm only 38, but in the surrogacy world, that is OLD. And I find that each pregnancy makes me more and more tired. Now this could be due to the fact that I work about 45 to 50 hours a week. Or it could be due to the fact that I'm OLD. Take your pick. Anywho, last night I turned the sprinkler on in my garden at around 8:30 pm. I meant to turn it off around 9. Instead I fell into the dreamless sleep of and old person that has spent ten hours on her feet at work, cooked, cleaned, done laundry, parented 85 million (give or take a million) kids, and grown a fetus. I awoke at 1:15 to the sound of thunder and realized I had left the sprinkler on. So I go outside in my white t-shirt and my hubby's boxers to turn it off. It was raining and the clothes on the line were soaked so I retrieved them also. I stumbled back into the house, stripped off the wet clothes, put on a t-shirt and fell back into bed. That is how my day started. So now it is 5:30 pm and I should be cooking and cleaning and all I can do is sit here and type. I'm exhausted from another day on my feet (for those of you that think lab techs get a lab stool to sit on....you are wrong. We stand all day every day) and just want to go to bed. Oh well. In seven more months I won't be old and pregnant, I'll just be old. And wishing I could be pregnant.