Wednesday, June 16, 2010


So tonight DH and I ran to the grocery store. We buy for our family (4 of us), my son and his girlfriend who live in the coach house behind us and for a friend with kids that is down on his luck right now. So yeah....350 dollars later we have food for a week for us and a village. You've heard that it takes a village....well we feed a village. But no matter how "tough love" I can be with my wayward son, that does not extend to letting him go hungry at age to me again when he is 18 or older and my views might have changed. Who knows.

Anywho, as we were driving home for some reason I started thinking of how unfair life can be. Not to me....I feel like my life has been really good. I could not help thinking of all of my friends who are infertile. They long for a baby. They would be good moms. And yet they can't have kids. How is that fair. I get the whole "God always answers every question...he just sometimes says no." I get that whole idea. But my question would be, if he's going to say no then why can't he remove the desire from their hearts? Why must they hurt every day? Why must they yearn for something that is not to be? And then why do so many people who don't want kids and who won't be good moms conceive so easily? I will never understand this. Sometimes there seems to be so much pain in this world surrounding this issue. I just really don't understand.

My sick IF is having the typical reaction to chemo now. He is sick as a dog. He cannot do much of anything, including enjoy his time with his babies. That make me angry and sad and makes me want to scream WHY? So many people don't spend any time with their kids. This man devotes all his free time to his and now he is too ill to.

I know I just sound like a whiny brat. I am really trying to understand. But I really just don't understand.

My daughter Samantha would be 15 next month. She died the day after she was born. I wanted that baby. She was the only daughter I would ever have. I do have two step daughters but they are their mothers and though they do allow me access to their lives, it is just not the same. I love being the mom of boys but I wonder what it would be like to have a girl. Someone who I could take to gymnastics meets and give advice to (not that she would listen). I miss her. I know it's stupid and it has been forever but I miss her. I would love to have gotten to watch her grow up.

My first husband has been dead for six year as of last month. He missed the last six years of his kids' lives. There has been good and bad and he has missed it all. All because of a stupid choice and a stupid craving he could not/would not resist. Why?

As you can see, I have not thrown off my moodiness and my funk. I will find my happy place again. I will. We are going to an outdoor water park this weekend. Perhaps some steep slides and some uninhibited laughter from the boys will fill the hole that has opened in my heart. I wish I could go five minutes without think of Lars, sick as a dog and fighting for life. I wish I could sleep and not dream of the babies crying for their father. I wish that this whole situation did not bring back memories of my own boys crying for their father.

1 comment:

  1. Reading your post, I want to comment on a lot of it, but I think the only one that matters is to remind you that missing your daughter and what could have been is not silly or stupid and it never will be.