Sunday, October 23, 2011


Please pray for my friend Holly. She's been a surrogate three times and for the last six years has been trying to have one final child of her own. She has done IUI's and three rounds of IVF. It has not worked. I have felt strongly for awhile now that she needs to just stop and enjoy the blessings she has been given but would never say that to her. Who am I to say that? While I occassionaly might have a tiny baby craving, I certainly don't yearn for a baby and can't even begin to comprehend what it's like to yearn for that and be denied over and over again. I can't imagine how hard it must be to get your hopes up month after month, year after year, only to have them dashed repeatedly. I pray for her peace of mind and ask that you do the same. I am reminded of these words of wisdom:

God answers every prayer. But sometimes the answer is no.

We have all asked for things, prayed for things, and had the answer be no. But it is hard every time it happens.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Just because

we all love babies

Which would you choose

If you were going to go back to school which would you do?

1. Get a masters degree in your field that would open up more job opportunities for you?

2. Get a second bachelors degree in a neighboring field that would make advancement opportunities at work possible?

3. Get a completely unrelated degree in a field you have always been interested in?

See #3 really appeals to me. The problem with going that route is that I'm the breadwinner and have been for many years and the degree I would like to get would take 16 months (it's another bachelor's degree but I can piggyback it onto the one I have and get it faster than four years). So we would have to take out student loans and I hate debt. Hate it.

If I go with #2 then I can move up in my company. I love my company but moving up in it means moving and that is not an option until the kids are grown. I would never take the kids away from their friends or family. Also, my company is makes ethanol and we all know how everyone and their brother hates ethanol now because it raises food prices supposedly (it doesn't by the way).

#1 is the most logical. I already took my GRE and got accepted into the masters program at Mizzou. The problem with this is it the one I least want to do. I love chemistry but don't adore chemistry classes. To do this I could work at the university though in research and this route would put me in the right town for boy #2 to go to Catholic high school which he is considering.

Decisions, decisions.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Where have I gone?

Years and years ago, when I was a young pup (aka a teenager) I used to look in the mirror and wonder who I was. Things in my life were changing so quickly and some days I couldn't seem to find myself. Other days I knew exactly where I was but just didn't much like what I was seeing. I think that everyone feels that way as a teenager and that discombobulated feeling is just part of growing up. It stunk but I always believed that I would find myself and my way and end up where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be.

Now, as an surrogate at the end of my surrogacy road, I feel some of those same feelings. Surrogacy has consumed my free time for years. It's been an integral part of my life and still is in some ways. I still receive updates on the five children that I helped bring into the world. I still help other surrogates out by mentoring and giving advice and just being an ear. But I find my role in the surrogacy community changing and while that's great, it's also uncomfortable in the same way that any change is uncomfortable. I find myself feeling the same way that I feel when a surrogacy first ends....wondering, "what's next" and wondering what the next phase of my life will bring. For so many years now the answer to that question has been, "another surrogacy after getting back into shape." I don't think that is the answer anymore and so I find myself at a bit of a loss.

In the past, I used this blog to pour out my feelings and emotions regarding surrogacy. In the past I would have been writing about this emotional journey I am on in the same way I wrote about my previous surrogacy journies. Now I just don't feel comfortable doing that. Bear with me while I find my way in this strange new world.

So what's up with my life other than soul searching and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up (other than a mad scientist)?

I am going to teach a chemistry class at my sons' school soon. I have been a substitute teacher at the middle school and the local Catholic school before but this will be the first time that I am planning the class, building the lesson, and teaching it. It's very hands on and designed to show the kids how cool chemistry can be. I tend to get nervous in front of groups but I love chemistry so I'm thinking that I won't be this time. We shall see.

I took a business trip recently. Drove 600 miles in one day. It was a LONG day but I had a good time and learned alot and gave a presentation without stumbling over my words and getting nervous. Could it be that I'm finally growing comfortable in my own skin?

Kids are all doing well. Boy #2 got invited to a tryout for an AAU traveling basketball team. He's very excited since this has been his dream for awhile. Not sure he'll make the team but he might. He has been working out with the high schoolers for awhile and this summer he has been asked to play with the high school traveling team which is a pretty big deal since it will be the summer before his freshman year and freshmen very rarely travel with this team. Just to not seem completely like a sports mom, he also has straight A's at Catholic school.

Boy #3 also continues to do well. He got his grades up and is ungrounded again. He is such a happy kid and a real ray of sunshine. He's definitely our most helpful kid too, always willing to lend a hand.

Girl #1 has had her job for three years. She works with mentally disabled adults and is basically a caretaker. One of the residents in the home she works in passed away yesterday. She has been caring for him for her entire three years so she is pretty upset.

Girl #2 is turning into a great mother. We are really proud of the way she has turned her life around. She has done alot of hard work on herself in the last six months and really grown up. She went back to college less than a week after having the baby and continues to get good grades there, even while taking care of a newborn. Speaking of newborns, the grandbaby is doing well. She is on soy formula and cranky alot but she is so adorable. I think she is wearing her mom and dad out but we have fun with her. The two boys just adore her.

Boy #1 seems to be on a better road finally. I pray for him and write to him but this truly is a journey he has to make on his own. I love him and don't want him to think that I don't support him but as I've told him repeatedly, I don't condone drugs or drinking and simply won't tolerate it in our lives. This has been such a long hard road for all of us and I pray for the day that we can all be together again as a family. Hoping and praying and being there to listen is all I can do. He has to do the hard work.

Hubby is still not working. We are broke but the house is clean and the kids are happy so all is well. Hopefully he'll be called back to his original job soon. He's been laid off from there since the end of May though so who knows. He never filed for unemployment because he thought that he would be called back quickly so we have truly been living on my income only since late May. The positive is that we've learned to live very frugally. I know we will both feel better when he finds a part time job of some sort. Ideally he could work four hours a day or so and still be here for the kids. We'll see what he finds.

That is it for me. Prayers are going out for several friends who are transferring in the next week. May their uteri (plural of uterus?) be welcoming and their betas be high.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Glass half full/glass half empty

Remember my utter joy at DH getting a full time job? He got laid off again.

Glass half empty: we will be belt tightening again

Glass half full: kids have a full time stay at home parent again which is how we like it.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

There is nothing better

Than holding your grandchild as they sleep. Than helping your daughter learn to breastfeed. Than watching your daughter become a mother. Than watching your sons embrace their role as uncle. My heart is happy. Life is good.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Just call me grandma

So I get that I'm supposed to not like the grandma term. I'm only 39. But heck yeah. Call me grandma.

From this date forward

You know how when you go to Walmart and you hear a kid say "Mom" you turn around and look. Even though you know you didn't bring your kids or you recognize that that isn't their voice, you turn around. It's instinct. Someone says mom and your heart jumps. From this date forward, I will have that same reaction when someone says grandma.

I am a grandmother. Maybe that's supposed to make me feel old but it doesn't. Sarah did a wonderful job and pushed her first baby out in 7 min. Wow. The baby is a bit early and is in the NICU but is doing great. I ran to work at 8pm on Wednesday night since there's a few tests that I do that no one else at work knows how to do. Then I headed for the hospital and stayed for the long haul. Got home last night late and am headed back to work today. I am tired but not nearly as tired as the new parents. Hopefully the baby will be home soon with her mom and dad. A new family has been born. :)

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Yeah I know, I know

It's been awhile. I go through phases of being a bad blogger and I guess I'm in one now. Life is just so busy. In the last week we have:

*played tennis twice. We are horrible at tennis but we keep making the effort and today I could see a bit of improvement. What is one step above horrible?

*gone to watch 2 girls volleyball games. Do we know someone on the team? Nope. Are we fans of volleyball? I guess a bit but not super fans. We just enjoy going and watching things and for the first time in five years I'm not pregnant, recovering from being pregnant, or trying to get pregnant. Perhaps this is what normal life feels like? If so I like it.

*driven 300 miles (150 each way) to watch friends from Cobblestone play softball. It was a nice break and I actually (gasp) took a whole day off of work. Shocking I know.

*I worked 38 hours this week (even though I took a full day off I still worked this much) and Joe worked 46. Egads.

*Boy #3 has discovered girls and in doing so has decided to talk in class instead of doing his work. This has resulted in two bad mid-term grades (his first bad grades ever I might add) and his first instance ever of being grounded. Homework is now being done and at the parent-teacher conference they said he's a great kid and involved in class...he just has started to talk to others a bit much. Just normal kid stuff but still frustrating to try to figure out the best way to deal with it.

Also going on in our life:

*Boy #2 needs a suit. I have never purchased a suit. This should be amusing.

*Girl #2 is still pregnant though her water is leaking so she won't be pregnant long. She continues to go to her college classes though and has great grades. What a turn around she has made in the last few months.

*My grandpa is in town from Arkansas. He's 90 and still doing great.

That's it. See why I haven't blogged? My life is boring and uninteresting....which I'm coming to find out is just how I like it. I will have to mine my friends for some good surrogacy stories to tell as I don't have any of my own. :)