Sunday, September 11, 2011

Frank Sinatra....ramblings on regrets

When I was a kid, my mom was big time in to Frank Sinatra. I can remember our Saturday ritual. We would all get up and clean the house. We had a record player in the family room. Mom would put on records and as a family, we would clean, room by room. When Mom would put on Frank Sinatra, I would know that we were almost done. I am not a big Frank Sinatra fan, but I do love the song My Way. We would all sing it together. Now, as I get older, I find the words of that song coming back to me. Here's a section of the lyrics.

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

The ideas that this represent are how I want to live my life. I want to have as few regrets as I can. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Who doesn't? But when I look back on my life so far, I have few regrets.

I married young and I married to wrong man. But from that marriage I have my children.

I married again and he is truly all that anyone could ask for. He has sacrificed so many times for the kids and I. He gave up his career and worked part time for the last six years so that I could pursue my career. He was perfectly okay with six years of living frugally so that the kids could have one of us here. Now that the kids are older, he never says a word about having to start over in the work force. We literally do everything together. He is up for any adventure, be it a road trip or simply a trip to the grocery store.

Between the two of us, we have five children. None of them are perfect. Our parenting of them has not been perfect. We sit down together and make the best decision we can at the time. We have a good relationship with all five of the kids and that is what matters. There have been some rough patches and some misunderstandings but in the end, in the last 20 years there have been more smiles than tears, more laughter than anguish. That is all anyone can hope for.

Some people would like me to regret surrogacy, but I do not. I do not like to say that I grew five children through surrogacy. Rather I say that I helped make two families through surrogacy. When I get a picture of the family together, or better yet, a letter from the grandparent thanking me for the grandchild they never thought they would have, that to me is the truth of surrogacy.
There have been some rough moments, but in the end, surrogacy was such a huge part of me for the past five years. Surrogacy allowed me to give a gift that you cannot set a price on...for what is the price of family? I used to be a much more vocal advocate of surrogacy. When I got that rare negative comment, I felt a strong need to enlighten the person. Now I couldn't be bothered. As I get older, I realize that as long as I know in my heart who I am and those that love me know who I am, I don't care what others think.

So where will my life go now that surrogacy is not a part of it? I will continue to write, both in this blog and in other places. I simply love to write. I know that I'm not a great writer. I know that this blog opens me up to the criticism of others. But writing is an outlet for me, a way to express myself. So I will continue to blog, though I can't say for sure what I will blog about. While I ponder where life will lead me next, I will leave you with more from the great Frank Sinatra.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes it was my way

1 comment:

  1. I am glad you are who you are and I am also glad that you are continuing your blogging as it inspires me to know that you are such a strong individual with such a big heart. They say to surround yourself with positive people especially when going through our journeys and you my dear are one of the positive people on my list.