Sunday, June 16, 2013

I said no

A few days ago the Canadians asked if I would be interested in carrying a sibling for Ben.  My first instinctive, knee jerk reaction was to say "sure, when?" but instead I made myself wait a few days before responding.  I love being pregnant.  I love being a surrogate.  So while my heart is all "oh sure when do we transfer, woohoo pregnancy, woohoo more babies for these guys I adore" my mind is more like "hold the phone, haven't you been pregnant eleventy times now and haven't you had four C-sections and aren't you 85?" 

I want to but then I don't.  I am tired of making ground at work, having things going great, and then doing a surrogacy and losing all of that.  It gets old.  I don't regret any of my surrogacies and I love the men that are now fathers and the kids that are here in part because of me.  And then I think of another C-section and another recovery. 

After a day of mind wrestling (oh the recovery...but you recover easily) (oh the guys at work treating me bad...who cares what they think) (oh the stress on my body...who needs abs or teeth anyway) I told the guys no.  Well actually I told them to check back with me in a year when they actually want to cycle but in the meantime to definitely keep their feelers out for a surrogate because my answer will likely be no and I don't want them to miss out on a perfect surrogate.  It feels weird and yet it feels right. 

Saying no allowed me to actually consider, once and for all, leaving my lab job.  I have mostly been holding on to it for the insurance, which sucks for most things (did I mention that the hand shut in the door fiasco by boy #3 is now up to 3800 dollars?  I hate our local hospital and their stupid overcharging for doing so little) but is wonderful for childbirth expenses.  So while I had pushed the idea of leaving to the back of my mind, it is now in the forefront again.  They have started to be a bit grouchy about my pumping at work which I think is crazy.  I only pump on my breaks, twice a day for ten minutes.  The problem is that the only time I have ever taken breaks is when I am pumping and they don't like it.  The more they hint, the more I am tempted to pump for 15 years.  They have no issues with someone taking 10 cigarette breaks a day but grumble when I pump twice a day for ten minutes?  Yeah...that's ridiculous.  I spoke with the mom of the baby I pump for and have verbally committed to pump for another two months and then we will reassess.  The pumping has the added benefit of curbing the surrogacy cravings.  I pump about 40ish ounces a day.  I give 30 of that to my local donor baby and then donate the rest to a milk bank.  I have a friend who pumps 80 ounces a day (egads) but she pumps at night and I am just not going to do that.  Sleep is my friend. 

Kids are good.  I have given up on the concept that there will ever be an end to basketball.  There appears to be no season once they hit high school...just perpetual basketball.  The team this year will be pretty awful.  The lost four of their five starters and all of the seniors.  No one is taller than 6'1".  Can we say rebuilding year?  They are actually at a shootout this weekend.  Eight games in two days.  I am a bad mom and did not go.  Watching my kid get pushed around in the post is not my idea of a good weekend.  He has gained 19 pounds since school got out but he desperately needs another four or five inches.  I am thinking of buying one of those torture devices to stretch him with. 

Our annual vacation to Cobblestone Lodge is approaching and then boy #2 is going to Chicago to stay with family for a week.  Boy #2 and I are going to Canada in September or October to see the Canadians too.  The hubster and boy #3 can't go because getting a passport for boy #3 would be difficult.  Also in September or October the Swedes are coming for a two week visit.  I am so excited to see all of them and meet their new baby.  They say Aurora asks about me a lot and can't wait to meet me which is cool.  I have a very unique role in their life.  L&L call me mama Susan to the kids and the egg donor is mama Savannah.  It is really nice. 

So that's our life.  We got the loan for the roof and the if it would just stop raining so we could actually fix them.  Not much else.  :) 

I leave you with this...Ben at four months.  His dad is a ER doc, his other dad is an engineer, his grandma is a nurse and his uncle is a pediatrician.  He has no worries so he is chillin. 

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