Saturday, April 9, 2011

What retirement feels like

I have to admit that all the times before when I said I was going to retire I did it with my fingers crossed behind my back. I knew I was probably done but a part of me still hoped to have one more journey. Now I know that that won't happen. I could carry again for my Swedish guys if they ever wanted it and I could carry again for another couple that would be okay with a one embryo transfer. But there are not many couples seeking a one embryo transfer and my Swedish guys are mostly sure they are done. Every now and then they get a baby craving but I think as time goes on they will decide once and for all that they are DONE. So I am done. I thought I would have mixed emotions about retirement. After each surrogacy I would get an almost frantic feeling when I thought about never being pregnant again. I'm glad to say that I don't feel that way now. What has made me come to this wonderful, zen-like location? Three events in the last week or so:

  1. I was at work and went to put away a tote full of DDGS. It weighed about 50 pounds and was an awkward shape. I had to climb a set of movable stairs with it and lift it straight up over my head and put it on a shelf. I have never been able to put them away before and always had to get one of the guys to help me. On Friday I thought I would give it a try and I got it put away by myself. I realized that I had p90x to thank for that and almost simultaneously realized that if I were to ever get pregnant again, I would lose this level of fitness. I don't want to get out of shape again. I don't want to miss the kids activities because I'm tired. I want to do more than be a bystander in my own life. I want to LIVE it and I don't think I can any longer if I'm pregnant.

  2. We went to Devils Icebox today. It is an underground cave and stream system that also has a ton of trails. I could keep up with the boys every step of the way. We jogged up stairs, down trails, and around sinkholes and they were sweating and complaining before I was.

  3. I tried on my itsy bitsy teeny weeny pink bikini that I have had for years. I will always have my c-section scar and "shelf". I will always have some stretch marks (thanks alot ESBs). But I didn't look half bad. In another six months I will look even less half bad. On the scale from yucky to hot I want to keep heading in the hot direction. I am tired of torturing my body and expecting it to grow children, work 40+ hours a week, lactate, and chase my own kids. I want to take care of and baby my body from here on out.

So there you have it. I am, once and for all, retired. I feel good about it. I can't wait to see what adventures life has in store for me now. My five surrogate babies now range in age from 4.5 to 4 months old. My own children range from 20 to 12. I would definitely say it is time to leave behind the time in my life when pregnancy and breastfeeding take center stage and move on to other things. I can't wait to see what those other things are.

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